I'll not give up

Hey guys:) Saw Tina yesterday morning and it was good. Overshot an hour. Sometimes, an hour is not enough for an update of a week or so? Heh. She's really got me thinking and I'm really glad that I've her help in recovery other than my family and friends. She really gave me the comfort I needed by telling me that she's gonna help me find out who am I really. Without Ed. Honestly, I'm scared. But I know that it'd be better. :) Therapy's gonna start on Friday and well... I think it might get emotional! I cry really easily nowadays... GGGGGG.com:( But still, I have to face it. Yesterday wasn't a really good day, @ night. Felt really useless suddenly and lonely. Really empty like there's a void inside of me. Ugh. Talked to Jolynn and I'm really happy she was there:) Her advices did help, and especially this quote- "Don't do something for someone because you want them to care about you. Do something for someone because you care about them".Its a good quote, right? It hit me really hard inside and I was thinking, reflecting about what have I been doing. Say, just in terms of recovery since its taking up a big part of my life. A part of me still holds on to recovery, is still really afraid of letting go of Ed. But the bigger part of me is fine living a life without Ed. Why am I holding on to Ed? All along, I always thought that I didn't dare let go completely of Ed was because of the fear that I'd be back at the size when I was once fat. That was the greatest fear that was holding on to Ed. But then, there's no 100% guarantee that I'd be back like that size right? In fact, I've been told by the dietitian that I won't. But why is it just so hard to trust them? Only to realise that there are also a couple of reasons that I'm still not letting go of Ed completely. I fear that no one would care about me anymore, I fear that I'd be all alone and that if I'm declared healthy and free from Ed, no one would actually show concern for me and bother about my health. Turns out to be attention seeking. Well, sort of. Ed made me that way. Attention especially from the people I love most. Other than that, it doesn't really bother me. But by holding on to it, I'd just be torturing the ones I love most. And its really upsetting. To do what I know is wrong and continue doing it. The quote struck me in the sense that I should change my way of thinking. If I really cared for the people that matters so much to me, I wouldn't be hurting them. Especially with the threat of Ed. I'd be sharing their burden with them instead of adding on to it. So, I'm really extremely glad that I spoke to Jolynn last night! Of all people, why her? Heh. I guess God had planned it already and yay. Awesomeeee. Thanks Jolynn sis!:) So so so much. And YSL! Remember that time you told me to tell you that I still wanted to get well, that sentence before I left? And you remember my answer don't you! I said, "I do, well @ least for now I think I do". But now, I do. I really do. Not saying that I lied to you that time but aiya you get what I mean la! And I hope to continue to want to get well forever. I really hope that one day, I'd have done something that'd show that I did something to show that I really care for them and not trying to get them to care for me. And the first thing I can actually think of was to really let go of Ed and not holding on to it. Not even a tiny bit. It'll be tough, I know. I've said it like super a lot of times already but this time I think it really struck me the hardest. From that single quote alone. Which could actually make a difference:) Hopefully. Ahhh. Maybe one day, just one day I'd really be free and be happy from the bottom of my heart, not living life aimlessly. Oh, and I watched a movie on the plane that day- lovesick. Its a romance and comedy chinese movie. The main actress, Ariel Lin(real name), was once hurt by her ex. They were really a lovely couple @ the start of the show, but then, the ex entered the music industry and got famous. His name's aaron in the show. Ariel Lin gave him support and attended all his concerts and all, only to find out that Aaron was having some sort of affair with this woman who approached him and bought him to the industry. Yes obviously AL was super upset and her life was really screwed, she was at absolute pit bottom. But one day, she decided to get over him and live once again. It was tough, the journey of trying to forget him and to guard her heart, fearing of gettting hurt again. She then joined ADW, an organisations run by 3 of her aunts. They taught her about guys, bla bla how unworthy they are and all sorts of nonsense. Only till one day, she met this guy, Bolin Chen(real name). She did stupid things in between thou she was obviously into him. Yet she was just trying to prove that he was no different from other jerks. (but that's not tha main thing I'm saying) And a friend of AL, told her that there's true love, that it exsists. She was brainwashed by the aunts so she didn't really buy it, so she asked her friend why does she say so. Her friend said something that- not meeting him now doesn't mean that he's not there, just keep believing that there is one out there. And the movie carried on.... Till one day, Bolin Chen left for Beijing with another colleague which liked him. AL went after him, yet she felt that she should let him go after hom dreams which was in BeiJing, as she did not want to be so selfish. So she told BC to go and never come back again. She was really hurt, but she faked as thou she was happy that he left her. Then, her ex, Aaron, met her. She was really mad when she saw him duh, and punched him HAhaha, Not the point. And she then said to the crew alongside Aaron that she loved BC, a lot that she really loved him. BC, on the other hand in BJ, saw the news and went back for her. And tada, happy ending la. Its really messed up so sorry x But I learnt from the movie. That being hurt once, doesnt mean that I have to fear living that same life again cause things actually change. And its a risk, but that doesn't mean that it'd change for the worse. It might change for the better if I do put in the effort:) Also taught me to be courageous, to take that step of faith even if I do not know what lies ahead. But its better than avoiding it and end up regretting why I didn't try it at that time, right? Well, it applies a lot on my recovery. :) And I do hope to be like AL in the show, (not about guys!) to have the courage to face the uncertain even though she was hurt before and also to let go of all the nonsensical stuffs she heard. And that things will eventually get better. K, I don't know if it makes any sense but I hope it did! Its tough to type it out like that haahhahas. And I'm not gonna say that I'd totally do very well in recovery tho I got really encouraged but I will continue trying. Now, to let go of Ed, completely. Doing something for myself, and for the ones I care for. It'd be tough, but worth it. :') Anyway I'll be having dinner with dad later! @ Parkway probably, before picking Mom from cell group. Gonna dine @ some restaurant apparently, dad did mention Fish&Co. So yayyyy. I'll take pictures heee. :)