Bar-bar-bar-bar... racks! House@Dempsey

TGIF! HEEHEE its friday! Finally and sl and I went on our long awaited date. Haha. At House @ dempsey! The place was... Hard to find, it was pretty remote, definitely more convenient to travel there with a vehicle. So we ended up going there by cab as we couldn't find the place to take the shuttle bus! Good thing is, the taxi uncle was so nice :D anyway anyway it was an awesome time spent today, we totally made full use of the 2.5hours eating and catching up! The food was not bad and there's quite a lot of variety for high tea, well at least it filled our tum tums. :)But there wasn't any favourite one which I love the most thou!

we left feeling really full, didn't even want to walk. Haha, even their toilets were nice! So nice. The place is rather big too! I should let the photos do the talking, here goes!! :D :D :D

Tried almost all of them except for the cheeses! Not a fan of those >< Quote "The pain you're feeling can't compare to the joy that's coming" :)

bits and pieces of memories remained

When I was 13 in 2007, I hung out with a bunch of girls. They were like the prettier and slim kinds and well, I was petite all the time since young so it didn't matter much. I didn't pay attention to my diet at all! I just ate whatever I felt like, whenever I felt like, how much I felt like. I'd go for lunch with my parents at some chinese restaurants that we used to love and order two bowls of ramen and finish it all up! It wasn't a problem. And I'd have lunch with my friends too, all that we ever ate was KFC. I'd always go for my usual Shrooms burger with cheese fries and Iced milo. It carried on for about half a year, basically every weekdays when we had lunch together. That was when I started piling on the pounds. I have no idea how much weight I've gained and tbh, even though I knew that I gained some weight but I did not focus on it. But the people around did. Those friends. Remembering once when we were in class and since it was a free period, a movie was screened. And there was a scene, whereby a few girls dancing and there was this particular one. Who was fat, with big boobs, fat thighs and everything you can imagine. They started to say that that girl was like me, a resemblance of me. I took it in really hard obviously... They said it in front of the entire class. And I was so embarrassed. I left them and was with another clique from another class, so I wasn't close with anyone from my own class that time. Other than feeling like a loner and being bullied, I feel like I've no one to turn to since I'm always with them in class. Lessons and all. And I hate times whereby we have to partner someone. That always gets me anxious. After being insulted so badly, my self esteem was at rock bottom. I started to put myself on a diet. From someone who didn't mind how I look to someone who became so self conscious about myself, my appearance. I won't have breakfast, and all I ate was Han's Tuna salad with no dressing. I did not weigh myself at that time. I just ate the same foods every single day. And the weight starting dropping and at the start of 2008, when I was getting my new year clothes with mom, I lost quite a lot of weight that clothes can't fit as they were hanging off me. People told me that I lost weight too and ofcourse, it felt good. Though I ended up with constipation, gastric and loss of menses but I felt like it was all worth it to be able to be skinny. And since I was already looking good, I felt good too. I didn't see a need to continue restricting myself to salads with no dressings it was like rabbit food so I started to eat very little, but allow myself other varieties of food which I used to love. But at the age of 14, I started to weigh myself. I would eat really little on weekdays and have no lunch and on weekends I'd eat a lot of everything that I missed out. I weigh myself only on Fridays and Mondays. On fridays, my weight would be lighter around 40kg and on Mondays it'd go up to be 42kg or so. I'd make sure that by Friday the weight would decrease again and indeed, it did. This made me feel like the "plan" kinda work out and I just have to eat lesser on weekdays and I'd be able to indulge on weekends without gaining weight. It carried on for quite some time but still within the year of 2008 until one day, my parents were pissed at me for weighing myself and my dad threw the scale away. So, without a scale, I did not weigh myself anymore. And it became hard to maintain my intake as I can't know my weight either. Around nov-dec holidays of 2008, I was always out with my friends and we'd watch movies and all, eating popcorns and nachos. How I loved them. Since I did not know my weight anymore, I just ate a lot during the holidays. And it was really a lot. I was happy while enjoying my meals, It did not struck me that I'll get fat like before eating all those foods. And yes, when I was 15 in 2009, it was horrible. When I went back to school, my classmates asked me "what have you done during the holidays?" "why did you gain so much weight?" I couldn't really answer, all I said was "cause I ate a lot, too much" I only knew my weight when we had Physical Education and had to have our height and weight taken. And when I stood on the scale, the teacher read out my weight to be 52kg. I got a shock, and was embarrassed, yet again. I was so afraid that my classmates would hear my weight and laugh at me (given the previous experience though I'm in a diff class alr) Oh and by then, I was hanging out with this clique from my class that time and we're still in contact till today. Thank God for that. But who'd have thought that life was actually not any better than in 2007? I was still teased by this girl, who is actually fatter than me. She has really huge boobs but she just teased me. She started calling me fatty, and saying that I'm fat and stuffs, telling the guys that I wear a skirt of size 30 while she wears a 28 which was so tight on her tummy. I didn't care about her, well rather, I tried not to care about her cause I know that she was fatter. My clique was on my side too. But deep inside, it hurt. Obviously it did. My self esteem once again hit rock bottom and I have no idea why I just continued eating... Maybe I found comfort in food or perhaps cause she's eating as well. I don't know. Life went on as usual with school, being teased by her. Once, duuring biology lesson, the teacher asked "who can't swim". Mainly of us raised our hands but she just had to pinpoint me, saying "cause you're too fat so you can't swim as you'll sink" It didn't make sense, I know but It hit inside me, yet another time. My other friends not from school also said that I have big boobs as well and that made me feel fat. Everything was basically fat. And in 2010, my weight went up again... to 54kg. At that time, I was seeing a doctor in kkh for my constipation and gastric issues. She referred me to a dietitian at the same time. OMG the dietitian was so strict with me. Remembering once when I went for the appt at the dietitian's, I gained 0.5kg and she was so mad at me. "Why did you gain 0.5kg?!" It was sooo humiliating. And I think that they wanted me to lose weight though they did not tell me directly. And at another follow up, this other dietitian gave me a diet plan and a whole list of reasons to lose weight stuffs and list of calories for the different groups of foods. WOW never would I have imagined I'd have received that. But with school and esp O levels that year, I still ate. Just maybe a little lesser like a wedge or two papaya for dinner. But I'd always have a bakery sandwich for breakfast and rice with dishes etc for lunch. So I didn't look much different. But after O's, I focused more on my diet and weighed myself once a week or so. I was still eating and it was still fine but I managed to lose some baby fats. Just a kg or so. In 2011, things got worse and that was when my anorexia became deadly. At Feb, I was about 50kg and was living on oats and yong tau foo soup and Xndo diet foods. Once, While I was preparing my Xndo meals, I kinda lost vision for a couple of seconds and lost my voice for that few seconds as well. It scared me. I felt faint too. But that did not stop me from dieting. I was just so determined that nothing could stop me. I will go running twice a week or so with my parents at Macritchie and have ytf for dinner. With no lunch. And by March, I was 45.5kg. My weight dropped 1.5kg every 2weeks and I developed issues with food and eating. So the doctor in kkh diagnosed me with EDNOS (Eating Disorders Not Otherwise Specified). It made me slightly happy that I lost weight again and even thought the doctor kept going on about how my system will slow down without enough food and energy, I didn't bother about it at all. What occupied my mind that time was just to be skinny. Plus, I was already reading up on anorexia at the same time. I was then admitted in march after that weigh in and stayed in there for two weeks against my will. It was a horrible two weeks. And I was weighed backwards, that made me really anxious as I wanted and needed to know my weight. I would cheat during meals time, not finish my food, wrap the food up in tissues and hide it in my pockets/drawer and pour the supplements top up into my water bottle. I would also exercise in the shower. And do leg lifts on my bed. But it just happened that one day, the nurse left my case notes on my bed table and I took the chance to peep and saw my weight. It gone up by 1.5kg, I weighed 47kgs and I had an anxiety attack. I cried so badly and hated the doc so much for admitting me and ruining my diet plan, and started to self harm by scratching myself so badly. And was suicidal at the same time. The doctor then decided to refer me to sgh, which treats Eating Disorders and the following day after I was discharged, I had to go to Sgh for an appointment with the psychiatrist there. She weighed me, and my weight went down by 0.3kg in a day. She said that it wasn't a good sign but all I could think of was how to lose back all the weight and more that I've gained. So my restriction cycle repeated. Plus seeing the girls over there at the clinic really made me envious. They were mostly suffering from anorexia and were so skinny, it triggered that part of me. I had to go back every two weeks to sgh for a follow up and my weight drops during every weigh in. I felt weak all the time as well and I've not much energy to do anything. Until around April, I went underweight and since I have also missed my menses for more than 3 months, I was diagnosed with Anorexia. It became a weekly appointment to monitor my weight more closely and at the same time, I was put on the waiting list to get admitted. I was supposed to started school that year in May, and I did go to school for two weeks before getting a text from my mom saying that there's a bed available and that I'm to get admitted the next day. I teared, I didn't want it but I've no choice. I didn't think that I've a problem or was sick enough to be treated. At my admission at sgh, I weighed 39.9kg on 9 may 2011. I felt happy as I was finally below 40kg. But yet at the same time I wanted to get out, I didn't want to be hospitalised any more so I told my mom that I'll finish all my meals and gain the weight. Plus I've really awesome classmates that time too. But no, it wasn't like that. During one morning rounds with the doctor, I asked one of the doc "what'll you do once I reach healthy weight" and she said "we won't worry about it till you reached 60kg or overweight or what". OMG. It was such a silly reply. I was sooo triggered and I took it as they are going to make me really fat, and my whole mindset changed. I didn't want recovery anymore, not even for my parents or to go back to school. All I wanted to was to lose weight, as much as I can and I was very very anti recovery. During my first week of stay, I gained 3kgs with three meals and three resource (supplements). The worse feeling ever, and my mhw was set at 43.3kg. That weekend, I had a meal outing and I kinda restricted my dinner and walked around, and on the next monday during weigh in, my weigh dropped by 0.6kgs and I was on RIB (Rest In Bed). And was increased an additional resource to 4. And was weighed again on Wed. After that, during every single meal outing/home leave, I'll always end up sabotaging myself by restricting and/or self harm. And it took me 6weeks to reach 44.5kg, in the healthy weight range. I was then discharged at that weight. Straight after discharge in end June, I went back to my old ways of restricting my food intake as I did not like the idea of weight gain and felt that it was all fats on my body and a week later I was to return back to school. Upon returning to school, I received many comments and one of which sent me back to the ward. This girl told me, "You really look fatter". I already felt horribly fat from the gain and I didn't need anyone else to rub it in... Yet she did and my mood crashed so badly. I was so suicidal, my parents came down to school and drove me to sgh A&E where I was warded again. And for that admission, I weighed 42.5kgs. I had lost 2kgs in a week. I was warded for another two weeks before I got discharged in mid july and I decided to defer my studies at the same time as I've missed out too much and doubt I'd be able to cope. Plus all my attention was just on my anorexia and weight loss. I was also referred to a psychologist at the same time, who I am still seeing now and has helped me a lot. I went to find a job and got one @ Ion. All I did to occupy my time was by working and that includes hours of standing which further contributed to my weight loss. All I was eating was an eggwhite and porridge every single day. It was like a routine and I was very strict with myself. My weight continued dropping and my health worsened with each passing day. And I bought myself a digital scale and weighed myself every day, 5-6 times a day. During follow ups at the hospital, I'd always waterload to make myself weigh 2kgs or so heavier. Once, as the psychiatrist that I was seeing that time was leaving, my next appt was scheduled to be in 5weeks times as I was going overseas too. So that was the earliest appt for me. &I didn't really meet my friends anymore as food was always involved during meetups and I couldn't bring myself to eat anything more than my usuals. This continued on till before I went to Perth with my mom and relatives. It was during sept and before I left, my weigh already dropped to 33.5kg. At Perth, I did not eat the foods there and walked around in the cold. It was freezing, I had to wear 5 layers of clothings to make me slightly warmer. All I allowed myself was a Special K Bar and canned soup for dinner. Nothing more, nothing less. And I had to supervise my mom when she heats up the soup for me to make sure that she doesn't add anything else in it to increase my calorie intake. This carried on for a week till I was back in Sg. When I was back, I ate the same as before again and when I went for my appt, due to the dangerously low weight, I had to do another ECG and blood test. The ECG showed that my heartbeat was low and there was some irregular wave or smtg. Blood tests wasn't good either as I was really malnourished. Blood pressure was lower than normal as well, nothing was ok. The new psychiatrist (which I am seeing now) wanted to admit me right away but I refused and my mom too refused cause she knows that my mood would be very unstable in the ward. Every week during appt, I was getting sicker and sicker. Things only started getting better when I had a fall from my bed and I didn't really know that I fell as I was kinda unconscious. My head swell and I injured my spine, it hurt so bad that I couldn't bent and I was so afraid I'd be paralyzed. That was on 9 Oct 2011. And it struck me that I should start gaining some weight for myself. And yes, I did. Logically thinking and I made the right choice. And I carried on till today, its been more than a year and I'm so thankful for my MOM especially and my family, and my friends who's been supporting me during this period. It has been a very extremely tough journey but to those who are trying to recovering or in the midst of recovering, DON'T EVER GIVE UP. Cause life will be so much better when you're able to do what you want, eat what you want to. If you need to talk, contact me anytime<3 Quote of the day; "Fall down seven times, Stand up eight times" :D

break day :-)

Hey guys! No work today as da manager decided to give me a break so I can rest today... But weirdly, I woke up kinda early too. ): Guess its because of the previous days where by I've been waking up at 6am. Bleah. And there's nothing much to do, I rather go to work honestly. Got my school's timetable and Cds yesterday morn. It was... Fine yet not. Like on mondays, school ends at 7pm which sucks big time. I'll probably have to work on weds, thurs and sat as well, doing closing. Hmm. OH! I got pay increase too, to $6.50/hour. Heehee. :D As for my cds, got into psychology and sociology. Tbh, I have no idea what sociology is about at all. Just hope that it'll be interesting and that I'll be interested in it. Heard that psychology is tough, but I'm pretty looking forward to it! Cause i think its interesting HAHA. Esp since I see a psychologist too. xD But quite certain it'll be tons of essyas writting, piles upon piles. :( OH SCHOOL. HOW MUCH I DREAD YOU. On a bright side, gonna collect my pay from T3 later and have dinner there with parents! Like finally. I'm the last to get my pay. Moolah moolah gets me really excited tho! And I've two favourite foods now... Waffle crisps with milk and mango sorbet with blueberries! Its soooo good. My current love. Its all stocked up in the fridge and I'll always get it when I feel like having something ;)Anyway, since I'm so free now, I was thinking of posting about my anorexia journey, how I fell prey to it and walked out of it. In the next post:)

waffle crisps &butter sugar toast

Today was a good day indeed, well proclaming does help. Positivity > negativity:) Work as usual, and as tired from work but had great fun too. Today manager asked me if I'm able to work everyday... And I was okay with it so yes I'll be working every single day this whole week morning shift! Gaaaah. Went to see Tina too, and it was good like always! Never ran out of things to tell her, have been seeing her on a weekly basis for quite a long time already and each week I always feel relieved after telling her what's been going on, :] Came to realise that those negative thoughts have probably been with me since 10years ago and events/words further emphasize on it, making it the "truth". And trying to not believe it is really hard. The hardest challenge. It gets really hard to tell myself how worthy and loved I am, cus I just can't bring myself to believe it... Be it if its the fact or not. (Sigh) On a happier note, went out for dinner with my parents today and I initiated to go to WANG for dinner! For... Mee siam and toast bread. With butter. It was good, tried the butter sugared one after so so long! And yummm. Love it♥ &I went to get Waffle Crisps! What I used to love but didn't alllow myself to have it for Ed reasons and sorts and yay it feels so good! Hahaha. & Other than work, I'll be meeting SL on Friday!!! We'll be going to Barracks house @ Dempsey for the high tea buffet and I AM SO EXCITED. More excited than nervous/scared. Who cares about the darn calories?! Trying not to care and I won't care about it! Its actually my first time going to a dessert kind of buffet ever since Ed and I hope to make it a good one :) Photos will definitely be up on Friday! Hahaha can't contain my excitement ^^ Quote Of the day; "I am beginning to measure myself in strength, not pounds. Sometimes in smiles" -Wintergirls

  Fav Passionfruit Orange Tea & choc cheesecake

                                                                        Mee siam

                                                                  Sugar butter toast

what's this about

Morning lovelies! on my way to work now, really tired. ): don't have through energy to do anything and neither the mood. I guess it's because I didn't have dinner last night cause I really was in a bad mood... and haven't had breakfast today morning either. Probably I'll get a quick bite somewhere:) if not I'm gonna fall asleep standing hahahaha. Having session with Tina later too! After work and I'll be meeting mummy there straight hehe can't wait to see her I usually look forward to the sessions with her cause she seems to understand... I've seen her for like over a year already. Lol. I've no idea what am I blogging about or why even now but anyway have a good day and good breakfast!! :) my day will be good!:)

:(

Reached aunt's place. And we're the last family to arrive so yes it's really crowded now and it's so noisy. Honestly I don't like to be here, I just want to get home now. Not even 5mins and I can't take it any longer. Plus dad said since we came late, there's no way we are gonna go home early. So yeah how many hours will I be stuck here dying of boredom really. And he seems to be in a bad mood today... pms lol. With work at 8am tomorrow, I've no idea if I'd be able to wake up okay time I've been really tired just wanna sleep forever. Lol. Oh guess what. I'm so... I don't know what word to use but I feel really awful now for no reason. Just being here makes me feel sick. ): I just feel like crying but I can't there's so many people here I'd just embarrass myself... help !!! There's dinner, like buffet style with 13 different dishes and I don't even have the appetite to eat anything, I don't feel like eating at all... this sucks. When I first stepped in, I felt fat. And self conscious that the two cousins were talking about me, saying how fat I am and it's really hitting on me hard. Makes me want to cry even more. Sigh. Today is a bad day. Morning didn't start off well either. Was too tired to wake up and go to church so I just slept in but the pms dad was literally shouting and said I took his words deafly when I didn't! I told my mom I'm really tired from work but all he said was that I slept too late and stuffs when I did not. I made the effort to sleep and I wasn't watching shows yet he just said I was. Whatever. But he kept going on and said no I have to wake up and go etc I mean ok I have to go to church yes but what's the point if I'm going to fall asleep during sermon? and I've to come here till what time so I won't have much time to sleep. I don't see anything wrong with that seriously. No idea why, I starting crying and kinda hyperventilated. Self harm urges were there but glad I didn't give in to it. :) ok anyway I'm really feeling too fat now I really think they were talking about me:( isolated myself from everyone else, blogging and having a book to read... but all I'm hearing is one of my aunt saying to my cousin "you where got fat" &"you're so boney" ... makes me miss my bones too. And she's that aunt made comments during my Ana period ): anyway end of rant gonna do some reading to calm myself down ><

One year has passed!

Hey guys! Been quite laggy and lazy to update as I've been busy! Workinggg. At Munch after quitting the job at Dunkin Donuts. The people at Munch are really nice, including the manager herself and i can't say how much I like working there though it can get quite stuffy in the kitchen but its still the most enjoyable job so far! ^^ The food there is aweeesome. Haha, yes it is! Basically it sells mainly salads which are already tossed in dressing and eating that started off as a challenge cause of dressing. Havent really had that without guilt for quite some time. But I tried it and it was really good especially with additional dressings even:) It's another step out I'd say. Well, I've to taste the salads too while seasoning it making sure that the taste is right, not too salty and stuff so it helps a lil to get calorie counting off my mind basically don't even bother counting it. Hiak hiak. Ok so one year has passed and it went by so quickly! I started recovery on the 10thoct last year and yay I'm glad to be where I'm today its been amazing I didn't even dream that I'd have progressed so well in such a short time! So many people I want to thank, for being there for me when I was so depressed, weak, moody, pms-ing and always encouraging and putting up with my nonsense even though you guys were tied down by your own problems as well. I'm extremely grateful to my parents, especially my mom, who took a break off her job just to look after me as I've deferred my studies last year and wasn't doing much. She was always there for me, like every minute hahaha making me feel like I'm not alone hence I fought the battle better. She'd make the effort to cook for me if i wanted to eat and get me whatever foods that I wanted as well. And I'm really really grateful for what she's done for me and the sacrifices she had to make to keep me safe:) And i'm thankful for my friends too! Ana and non ana friends, they've also been a huge part in my recovery journey, so thank you guys!! I've received so much help, now I'm better, its my turn to help those who needs help ^^ its an extremely awful feeling to go through all these alone, so always seek help! ♥♥♥ Hehe. Am still feeling full from tonight's dinner and it was a MacDonald's Upsized meal! And its DOUBLE filet o fish. Apparently i was the only one home and the min.order had to be $10... Ohwell at least it was a rather impromptu challenge? Cus when the food arrived, guilt suddenly sank in and I had the urge to dump the entire bag into the trash and simply skip dinner, but it won't do any good. So yup, even though I didn't finish it but at least I did eat till when I was full and satisfied and I think that's good enough :) Ok, tomorrow's a sunday and the family and relatives will be heading down to aunt's place for a buffet delivered dinner and cake. I dont know what would be served and honestly a lil scared and also i'm scared of the comments they will make. Previously two of them did make silly comments but one was pre ana and the other during ana... It still affects me though. I really won't know what to say/react if they even talk to me. Geez I guess I'll just bring a book along to entertain myself for those hours:( I'll update again on tomorrow's progress, nights everyone! xoxo