Awkward. Redraw. Silence.

Feeling pretty down now, its a little of "all of a sudden" mood crash plus other stuffs I guess. Just feel like I'm a bad person, a person who is not good enough and will never be. How depressing it that? Gasps, very. Sigh. And it feels really lonely too. Well, actually its "I" feel lonely but i dont really like to say "I" so ended up using "it" as a substitute. I hate to know that I feel so empty aand lonely, so alone. It sounds pathetic. :( And I've really closed up quite a lot to others and stopped sharing my innermost thoughts and feelings, plans etc. One event led to another and I ended up with that decision. But after session today with Tina (so glad to see her:)), Perhaps bottling everything up really isn't the best idea. To begin with, I know that is not a good idea and it definitely won't be. Not to me, and maybe not to those closed ones around me. Arghh just feeling so confused, and did something I really shouldn't have done. The doc is probably gonna go about saying that I didn't put in efforts to think of what else to do other than that. But I mean, she doesn't understand I think and its hard to really tell everything I feel to the doc, especially when its more than one, it is soooo awkward. I'd prefer to keep my mouth zipped. And today, this girl came into the ward. She was to be warded, but in the end, her dad decided to AOR her. Its really heartbreaking having to see her begging her parents so hard, to get them to discharge her. And really saw the ED in her... Swearing to her dad, screaming all sorts of stuffs. Its just so... Sad. To even know that I did those to my parents and all too. Sigh. I was really hoping that she'd stay, or at least her parents wouldn't AOR her but well... They can't bear to see her crying and all too. Plus she isn't into recovery when I was talking to her. It totally reminded myself of how I was when I was at my sickest. Like "woah, really. Did I do all that? Ed really ruined it." I really really hope that she'll be well. Though the chances are really low, I mean if I was her, In her shoes, I know what I'd do already. Sigh. Can just pray for her for now. Hope she'll see the light one day and start to realise life is more than what ANA tells her.

46A

Got admitted again just yesterday evening as there was a bed available. Sadly. Wasn't keen to get admitted as well, so yeah, my mood isn't any much better, especially with the weighing. It was like DARNSHIT. ): Meals... Been kinda screwed on my own eating outside so it doesn't get much easier here either. Cried as well, after I saw the dr in the morning today. Gah. I've no idea how am i going to pass the days in here. Its so quiet and boring, there's nothing much to do. Or more like, I've no mood to do anything. ): Hopefully all be well xxx