Like a pendulum

Still in the hospital boo. I don't know exactly whats wrong but ohwell. Even on sc. Deferment. Tears. Depression. Meals. Struggle. Fake smile. Madness. Laughter. Misses. Hugs. Encouragement. Triggers. Talks. Doctors. Med team. Therapy. Medicine. This kinda sums up everything that's going on. Shirlyn left a few days back and I miss her so much. Her bed's also taken away by a 20ish lady. Hahaha but still, its so boring cause I don't talk to her. Its still different from the fun I used to share with S. Boo. xx OH and yonghwa is really cool HAHA. Obsession. LOL. K, anyway... Yes I've to defer for another sem. Yet again, it sucks so much so much I cried buckets making that decision or even thinking about it. ): Its still so hard trying to accept the fact that I'd have to graduate a sem later than my friends and who knows what's going to happen next? Will I get admitted again into the ward and have to defer again? And it'll keep dragging on. I don't know what I want to do with my life, I really don't. Its like I'm in a state of confusion, everything in my mind is constantly changing. Thoughts keep kicking in and its those bad ones. I'm tired, so tired of this life. Yes I am, period. :( You know, I wish upon a star for a guardian angel (if there's even one) to help me through it but I know that God is here. Having said that, my faith is ... lost. I lost faith in God, in fact everything. Hardly actually pray already, during meals no before I sleep hardly and I really can't get myself to pray earnestly. And oh recovery, meals are becoming a struggle on upgraded meal. Well it only gets really hard the food is really bad tastes really awful. And I don't actually bother trying, I just get the top up. I'm sick of this too. Darmmit. Everything is moving, changing. Decisions are not firm. Everything, every choice is changing. Contemplating so much about R.