Reflect, and think.

Just viewed a friend's tumblr and surprisingly, my mood is a teeny bit better. I have no idea why so but I guessed it made me think. And reflect. Well, apparently my life's a screw up due to Ed. Most likely, it caused me to defer my studies, withdraw myself and blah. Ofcourse I admit, some positive things happened in the process too. But the atmosphere was so so tense. And now, I'm still alive and well, living. The life God gave me. But why is it just so hard? Its madly tough. Insane. What is life? I guess its how I'd picture it to be. How'd I want my life to be? And what am I doing to achieve that? Probably nothing, cos all I feel like doing is rot away. Honestly, I know its against God's will. He did not give me a life to rot. And waste. I actually have stuffs that I'd wanna do now and in the future. -Travel around the world, hang out with friends, visit museums, get a degree in forensics science first, grade1-8piano exams done, recovered from Ed, help the less fortunate, baking, give talks about Ed bla...- Yet, I am just stuck here. Doing nothing like hey then how am I ever gonna achieve all those stuffs? That'd be impossible. No one can succeed by doing nothing... I need to do something. I need to be happy, I need to live my life the way I want it to be. It can't be screwed up just like that... Ofcourse not, but why is it so hard? So hard to take that step? The first step. What happens next? Its a mystery, the future is uncertain. Just have to walk in Faith and Trust in God, He will Provide For Me. I should just stop walling in self pity (sometimes), thinking so negatively about myself and stuff. It stresses me out, a lot in fact. All brain cells died from foolish thoughts LOL. I want to be someone, a friend whom my friends would think of when they need help, support and comfort. I want to be remembered as a friend who's always there, bringing smiles on others faces instead of sadness. I don't want to worry others, and I want to be me. What's so bad about being myself? But now I don't even know who I am anymore... ): Ughhhh. All I want is to be perfect. I want perfection I want to see perfection in me. Logically, its impossible cos no one is perfect and no one can ever be. What's so good about being perfect? How will that make me happy? Maybe not, not at all. I will just be wearing a mask and hiding the real me to live up to the expections of man, society. Does size actually matters? Will people remember me based on my sized? Whether am I anorexic skinny or obesely fat? Nah, they won't. Logical. But the world puts so much emphasis on the being "skinny", "skinny is perfect" and stuff, more and more girls are heading on to the destructive route. All just wanting to be perfect, overachievers. Need to THINK LOGICALLY. I have to stop condemning myself, it doesn't help at all. In fact just makes things worse, makes me feel worse. Spiritually, emotionally, mentally, physically. No point as LJ said, so trueee. I want to be happy, I truly want so. I don't want to live the life that I'm living now, it's not fulfilling. I want to do something, I want to change something, someone. I want to be the person who can make things better thou it seems so hard. ughhhhhh:( I want to influence and inspire people in a positive way! So I have to be positive myself:) How can I help others when I can't help myself? C'mon Weilin, buck up. Change. Make changes, for the better:) My thoughts really do have to change, in all sorts of forms. Seriously... Its the most ridiculous thinking one could actually have ahhaha. K, its quite messed up, so yeahh. Whooops. Anyway I'm glad Tina'll be helping me on my self-esteem yay.





If you read, thanks for reading:)