Sense.

Hello blog's pretty much not updated so I'm updating it now:) Friday yesterday, so as usual went to see Tina. All was good, like I felt really good after talking to her. Cause I was pretty much venting:/ Like yeah, too much kept inside of me, so just needed a listening ear and a support who could somehow understand since she helps patients with Ed. Heh. Went to meet LJ after that. Was quite a struggle actually. For lunch. Initially, was gonna have lunch @ Subway and yes I'd already know what am I gonna order and stuff, the Ed choice. Was really having a hard time especially when SL kept telling me to get a meal. But a meal was just so hard. So ended up, ate at Food Court instead. I guess its still a better choice than subway for now:) At least had a balanced lunch. Talked and yeah I rant too. Just ugh have so much to get off my chest! But did feel a little better at least it got so things off my mind:) But night time was screwed, super screwed. Sigh. Anyway today, met up with SM! After so so long! Lunched @ Soup Spoon and walked around Vivo City, talking and stuff. Had a good time! And after that, went home. So actually, there's not much to post about for today as well. Heh. But anyway, have something I wanna talk about. I really hate society. How fucked up it is, how much emphasis it is placing on being thin and stuff. Well, I mean girls do want to be thin, but they are like promoting thinness to the extent of "bones and skin", "skeletal". And people develop Eating Disorders be it anorexia, bulimia, BED. It just cause people to have disordered eating. Honestly, it wasn't meant to be like that. What's worse is some are trying to be one. I have one, and it does suck. Having to give up so many things just to hold on to Ed, thinking about Weight loss, calculating calories, being so obsessed with food, constantly weighing yourself and all those exercising, cheating methods, lying. Man, why don't they just see how bad it will get?! Some people want to recover, yet they can't cause they've had it for way too long its like implanted in them and stuff. That makes it way harder to become normal, to get well. I guess those who have eating issues and is really obsessed with weight and stuff do know about eating disorders(whether they had it a not), people do read up on it. And what are they doing about it? I hope they tried to get Ed out of their minds before they actually get diagnosed with an ED. It's unrealistic thinness people with Ed, including myself are going after when we were so sick and attached to Ed. But at that time for me, I didn't see it. I don't think I was skeletal thin. I could still see inches of fats around me. And that made me depress. I wasn't happy at all, life was at absolute pit bottom. Those who went through knows! It makes life so meaningless you won't actually see a point in living cause it simply reflects how screwed up your life is. How bleak the future is if it continues on. Yet its so hard to let go. And being that thin, is at the expense of so many other things. Studies, family, health etc. Which was never meant to be permenant. That thinness was not meant for me, for you. It was not. Accept that fact! That'll never change. Well true, you can be so so skinny, but its only temporary cause one day you'll get so sick of Ed and whatever shit it has been putting you through, you choose life instead. And you just end up struggling to get your life back. Ultimately, you will still be at that set point, where your body weight is supposed to be at for it to function. What do you gain out of it? Perhaps just minutes of happiness. The only thing. After putting yourself through living hell, nothing's changed, other than having some health issues which might be permenant etc. And not even achieving that "perfect" body you were dreaming of. Simply because your body, my body were not meant to be skeletal skinny. We're all just God's creation. Reality's harsh. People's words hurt, comments on one's appearance/shape/size affects one's self-esteem. Which can cause Ed. Mine started partly due to that. But what can we do? We can't control their words, just have to learn to filter it out. Hard cause its already been heard, yes it is hard but I guess it all about giving that little effort to try at least. Just a bit might make a difference. Honestly, no one said it was easy. Life was not meant to be easy, much less recovering from an ED. Don't try to have one if you don't. You'll just end up regretting cos' there's hardly any joy but tons of depression and sadness. I'd say for now, I admit I'm struggling. No point hiding it. Yes in fact quite badly. But I'm still trying to prevent myself from slipping back to how I was before. Ugh. And its just tough. Baby Steps would be fine:)

If only society wasn't so fucked up. If only people didn't strive for perfection. If only people didn't see the need to live up to others' expectations. Sigh.

God help meeeee