Body Image and Eating Disorders

So that's the title of the chapter, Body Image and Eating Disorders - Linda S. Mintle, PH.D.

"Do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body" - 1 Corinthians 6:19-20:)

Eating disorders, along with negative body Image, are serious problems affecting millions of people especially women. hundreds worry about their weight and use food to cope with emotional and relationship issues. Have you ever made statements like, "i hate my body", "if only i was ten pounds thinner", "when i'm thin i will be happy", "i can't get control", " i eat when i am not hungry", "tomorrow I'll go on a diet", " i have to be thinner than everybody else", "i feel like throwing up".
Or maybe you feel the need to be perfect or to always please others. any mistakes means you've failed, and failure is not acceptable. when you fail, you struggle with self-hate. Unfortunately, the way you cope with these feelings is with food: binge and purge or compulsive overeating, or eating all day & watch the pounds add up. Life just feels out of control. but you are NOT alone. So lets try to understand more about eating disorders and food obsession.

*Food can be abused
Food is easy to abuse because it is cheap, available, tastes good, is physically satisfying, and emotionally comforting. And unlike true addictions, you can't abstain from the abused substance. because eating is a part of everyday life, avoiding it is difficult. In addition, food abuse does not have the stigma attached to it that alcohol and drug abuse has. You might say food is the acceptable overindulgence used to numb interpersonal and emotional pain. Food can even second an idol and source of obsession. So how do one move from an occasional overindulgence to becoming obsessed with thoughts of food? There are many factors that play into the development of food problems.

What are EDs?
Even though they are called eating disorders, they are not just about food. Focusing on dieting and weight may be an obvious beginning to an ED but much more is involved. Eating habits are disturbed and weight takes on a heightened focus, but the roots of these problems aren't really about food and all.
Most eating disorders emerge around the time of puberty and when a young adult prepares to leave home. These are developmental times of stress because:
The body is changing
Sexuality emerges
Dating relationships begin
Identity id forming
Independence increases

Helpful facts to know about EDs:
-Affects men and women of all ages but especially seen in young women.
-Affect a wide segment of population, including all social classes, ethnic groups and races.
-People DIE
-Early intervention is best
-Best treated with a multi disciplinary team

Causes:
The media influences people about their bodies we see bodies sculptured to perfection. There is tremendous pressure to look beautiful and thin, but food and weight obsession involves more than these. While we know that media influences our thoughts and feelings about our bodies, the obvious question is how do people go from somewhat being concerned about body and weight to developing eating disorders?
The answer is complex. No one factor causes an ED. A combination of factors is involved. Following factors contribute to the making of an ED:
-Dieting (happened for mine)
-history of mood disorders or family history
-odd family eating habits
-strong family concern about appearance and weight
-dissatisfaction with your body and a strong desire to be thin
-normal developmental events
-repeated negative comments on appearance
-emphasis on thinness
-positive family history of eating disorders coupled with dieting
-personality traits eg anorexics tendvto be rigid and perfectionistic. Bulimics often back impulse control and struggle with unstable moods
-family environment
-possible genetic predisposition

Types of Eating Disorders
1- Anorexia Nervosa involves severe weight loss (15% or more), excessive exercise, food avoidance, distorted body image, fear of weight gain, absence of menses(3 consecutive cycles in women). Medical symptoms such as irritability & depression, gastrointestinal problems, headaches, sensitivity to cold, low pulse and temperature, hair loss, weakness and anxiety, low blood sugar, fainting and reduced ability to concentrate can result.
2- Bulimia is characterized by self induced purging following a binge or compulsive overeating. purging can take the fornication of vomiting, laxatives abuse, use of diuretics and diet pills, fasting to control weight, or use of ipecac syrup or enemas to rid the body of food. this behavior occurs at least twice a week for 3months. serious medical problems can develop from the binge and purge cycle. they include large weight fluctuations, gastric distress, headaches, skin irritations, electrolyte disturbances, tooth loss and gum diseases, depression, and heart failure.
3- Binge Eating usually involves impulsive, poorly controlled episodes of binge Eating in which high calorie foods are insured in excessive quantities multiple times a day. You eat to the point of feeling uncomfortable and feel disgusted by the way you eat. you may experience chronic and sporadic dieting or fasting, social withdrawal, depression, anxiety and manic attacks, avoidance of school or work, low self esteem. because thus behaviour typically causes weight gain, one may develop medical problems associated with obesity.

Recovery or Freedom
With the knowledge of signs and medical complications of eating disorders, how do you recover or better yet, find freedom from such bondage? get help. trying to solve it alone is difficult because you have to learn to connect your eating behaviour to the underlying emotions and interpersonal difficulties you experience. For example, do you restrict when you're socially uncomfortable? do you binge after a fight with someone? do you swallow rejection and hurt by comforting yourself with food? making the connection between these situations, their accompanying emotions, @,and your eating behaviour is a starting point towards freedom!!:) Eventually you'll realize that food is used to cope, numb and soothe.
Don't deny the truth. Denial is very common when struggling with an eating disorder. No one likes to admit she has lostensibly control over eating. It signals weakness(though in cases of Anorexia, over control of eating can feel powerful). Denial of the disorder is what stops most people from getting better. In order to be free, you must first admit you have a problem. This means letting go of your pride and trusting people won't hate you or be turned off by your abnormal eating habits. Facing the truth and acknowledging emotional answer spiritual pain is essential. Denial bliss your intimacy with God. Getting better requires that you take a step of faith. (learning this now:))
Some other areas of your life to consider when it comes to letting go of the eating symptoms.
-Pride. Usually you need help from God and others around you. Most often a trained therapist and team needs to be involved. put down your pride and get help!
-Control. An eating disorder is a false sense of control. Whether you are out of control or trying to over control your food intake, you've lost control of a healthy eating pattern.
-Deception. Spiritually, don't be deceived by the enemy who wants to destroy you; he can use your eating disorder to destroy your life. Take off the spiritual veil and allow God to work. Your body image will be distorted, so you can't trust what you see in the mirror until you are better. That's why finding a trusted therapist, friends and family members is important. No one wants you fat. Think about it. No one benefits from you getting fat. God and those who care about you want you well.
-Time. Breaking free from ed takes time and work. Don't give up when you feel bad or make mistakes!

continue here!!

Still, commit to the process. Rarely does someone go from struggle to freedom without taking steps forward and backwards. In the end, you will be successful if you don't allow discouragement to overtake you. (hard!! but learning too) Give yourself time to make necessary changes.

Questions to ask yourself:
*Will you trust someone to help you?
*Will you share your thoughts no matter how stupid or embarrassing they seem?
*Will you face the painful hurts in your life?
*Will you deal with relationship problems and feelings of worthiness?
*Will you face the deception that you have embraced? (such as you are fat, no good, and lovely)?
*Will you allow God to help you let go of the false control you have and ultimately depend on Him?
*Will you agree to feel uncomfortable in order to get well?
*Will you stop trying to act in your own power?
*Will you tolerate failure?

Hope your answers will be 'YES' to the above!!

To be honest, some of my answers are 'not really'. Like i don't dare to say yes to some which i find it really hard to like accept.. But hopefully some day all the above will be answered with 'YYEEEESSSSS"!:)

What needs to change?
Your eating habits obviously. In addition, you must stop dieting, fasting, and compulsive exercising. Stop avoiding certain foods and classifying them into good and bad categories. You will also need to work on your thinking, emotions, identity, sexuality, acceptance, drive for perfection, relaxation, spiritual intimacy, resolution of past hurts, and family and interpersonal relationships.
Weight. Needs to be stale and appropriate for your height and body frame. Important to work towards this no matter how you feel.
Renewed thinking. Your thoughts are powerful influences of your feelings and behaviour. Most people with ed/body.image have very negative thoughts about themselves. Replace negative lies from satan with gods words!!!:)
Regulate your emotions. Learn to identify what you feel and regulate those feelings. People with Ed often react in extreme ways either too emotional or not emotional at all. A more moderate response is to allow your emotions to surface and not constrict them, or to learn to manage them and not let them manage you. All has to learn to contend with and tolerate bad feelings when they come, not avoid them. Learn to identify and express instead of swallowing them. Then confront the negatives in new assertive ways that incorporate problem solving methods.
True identity. EDs create false identities. YOU ARE NOT WHAT YOU EAT OR DEFINED BY YOUR WEIGHT. Find your identity in Christ! God made you in his image, you are wonderfully made! Its scary to assert the real you, but eventually you will be comfortable with this. God loves you unconditionally and accepts you:):):)
Embrace your sexuality. Its a beautiful thing created but God.
Pleasing others. stop giving power to others to determine your worth. Doing and sacrificing for others does not make them love you more. There is a balanced between self care and caring for others that must be learnt. Just please God and follow his guidelines for living:)
Stop trying to be perfect. No one is, except Jesus. Its just a losing battle filled with anxiety. Perfection is unattainable. God still loves us:)
Relax. The more you can relax your body without using food, the better you will feel.
Tackle past hurts and relationship issues. (won't go into detail for this)

Freedom and transformation
Recovery is desirable, but Freedom is the ultimate goal. You don't have to go through life struggling with food and weight problems. You can be free. Allow God to do and move the hard work of repair and grieving loss. Nothing is impossible with God:)

Lastly, all of our identities are not dependent on what we do, how much we weigh, or how we look. We are all children of God because of what Christ has done for you and I.

"The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in Him, and I am helped:)

Anyway hope you would have read till the end! I know its s really long post hehehe. But I really hope it helps if this is what you are struggling with! I don't deny that's a really tough extremely tough process. I wanted to give up on the route for lots of times already. But don't. Pick yourself up after you fall and move forward! Its not going to be easy but it will be worth it:) if you read, comment or email me if you wish!!:)

wide awake.

Its like 3am or so yrt i am awake. from my sleep. the feeling of wanting to vomit overwhelmed so i got woken up by it. not a good experience i'd say.. so i thought would help and it did help just that teeny winny little bit! hahah i had a coffee bakery bun and biscuits. biscuits again. yes zomg. oh anyway i realised that the fridge has no fruits! :( sad face. and its like suddenly i felt like its so hard to let go of my own diet anf hand the responsibility to my mum. its like all of a sudden i am not controlling MY diet. its NOT in my hands. ohwell i guess it might be better that way though i feel insecure. so ok i think i can do it :) hehehe. and anyway its pretty much like a good way to like stop me from thinking about food all the time and what to eat etc... everything will be placed for me muhahaha. I should actually be grateful right? honestly. anyway i read through the part on eating disorders and stuffs from the book "Praying through Life's problems". will be reading it in detail now since cant get back to sleep tet.. so i will type out that whole chunk so you guys can read them too if you're at the stage i'm going through now. hope it helps anyone who needs it:)

Last night of calorie cramming eating

Ok, so you see from the title, today is going to be the last night of my night calorie eating to compensate for all the restrictions throughout the day. I mean i know its unhealthy to like suddenly cram all the calories at night so yeah making a new change now! Mommy told me to start afresh from tomorrow onwards and she is going to help me. Hehe love love her so so much:) So yeap! Gave the diet plan to Mommy and we kinda like set what I am going to have for tomorrow. Ok, she will prepare all my meals for me in case I restrict or take lesser than a normal portion. So I'll just have to let go of the "control" and just eat whatever she gives. It will be a reasonable portion i know:) HEHEHE. K, so here's what I am going to have;
Breakfast- 1 1/2 cup of cereal, milk, fruit
Lunch- Homecooked Fried Bee Hoon
Afternoon Tea- regular mixed berries yogurt+granola bar
Dinner- 1Bowl rice+dishes (homecooked too i think)
Supper- Either milk+ 3biscuits OR milk+granola bar+fruit:)
(it's the portions from the dietitian so should be ok)
Then maybe on tuesday will try different snacks from the list hehe

Hopefully it will turn out good cause I really hate cramming all the calories in at night with chocolates and all. Like what I just did so yeah.

Oh anyway, was @ IMM just now and got myself a christian book. Haha will start reading it once I finish with "Life without Limits":) So prolly will cut down the time watching dramas and all! OHOHOH new fridge coming tomorrow, can't wait. Nice fridge with pretty patterns. GREAT.

And tomorrow I'll be posting all the Malaysia photos! Its been a delay. Hahaha okay that's it!:)

Is this the end for me?

Is it so? like i don't know if i want to continue on this route. is it the end point here? sigh. ok, yesterday night went rather well though only had plain congee for dinner. but had supper. It was a big one! and i was glad that it didn't end up in a binge as i stopped once i felt that it was enough. then went to bed. but that's yesterday. as for today, from morning till now it wasn't good. like my mom got me to have large cup yoguru and i had that with cranberry and granola toppings. but i didn't finish. i mean i could have finished it if i wanted to but the guilt from ed made me stop. not even a mouthful more. fullstop. lips zipped. that's it. ed won. i wasn't full at all since that was the first meal of the day but still i did not get anything else. only had lunch at like 3.30pm. ok it was also a spoiler.. i ordered economic rice wurh dishes. sounds absolutely fine right? but wait. that's not it. apparently i requested for less rice, resulting in 1/3 of rice for lunch along with 2veg 1steamed tofu. one was curry veg and the other was some Chinese cabbage with tanghoon . didn't finish the tanghoon though and left bits and pieces of the tofu meat behind. such a fail. i even regretted ordering them cause it was like oily. :( Idk i really don't know. wanted to get a wedge of papaya actually cause wasn't full but i didn't cause i didn't dare. like theres calories. omg this is like insane.. like just yesterday i didn't mind all the cal when i even the supper cal that was a breaking 4000. But did not care. yet today everything is spiraling down... i just don't really want to recover anymore. like i am so gross looking now so fat, fatso . i keep tthinking from morning that i don't deserve to eat i can't afford to. ed is so strong that its pretty much in control again but i don't have the energy and the mood to do so. ok anyway the end. i feel extra. i feel like no one cares and bother whether i eat a not since i can afford to lose weight anyway. bye.

Yay I did it!!!

Yes I did it! -claps- ok so even though I was feeling really horrid like even before lunch, I ordered cottage pie. The one that I was craving as I mentioned earlier. Well partly thanks to sulynn who called also. If not we might really end up @ kopitiam since granny was like not so used to eating western foods. And yeah it comes with a salad buffet.. surprisingly I didnt take much veg. But instead I took more of the penne in cream sauce, lotus root and sausage salad! Had 2 ritz biscuits and coconut jelly and fruits too. Love love fruits!:) ESP chilled ones. Actually wanted to order a milkshake but I didn't. Partly due to Ed and partly it's because I think I won't be able to finish all hehe. And yes was very very filled after lunch. Stuffed but not very stuffed. :) oh! And I also had sone fried fish and fries with tartar sauce!! It's from mom and aunt's fishermen catch:) and a mouth or two of cod fish from granny's:) she's so cute saying it's the biggest fish placed on her plate hahaha. It's been quite some time eating out in restaurants with them. Really thank god that all went well and that I didn't restrict and that granny was fine with her meal. Awesome:)

So, we walked around T3 after the big meal to like aid digestion. Went to Candy Empire with aunt!:) saw like lotsa yummy chocolates k. Haha guess what!! Told mum I wanted to get them and I got them!! Hopefully I won't be tempted to throw it away or not eat!! Since I bought it that means I should eat since my body craved them, right? Makes sense?! Got 5chocolate bars and 4boxes biscuits!! Kitkat's dark choco, cookies and cream and the caramel flavours! And violent crunch and nestle crunch! Haven't had them before so hope all will be nice:) got 2chocolate Sweden(I think) biscuits! One is like the wafer sticks and the other is cookie form with peanut butter filling. Sounds yum? Totally does!!! The other one I got is the caramel ones! Had them before like a couple of years back! Missed them:) these are like some of the snacks I can have... :)

Back to gran's place again and she's cooking dinner! If I'm not wrong, it's pork ribs porridge:) love porridge:) it was my super safe food actually. Like when I was restricting I only ate that. So like yeah. But there's you tiao and butterfly and ham chi Peng as well, just that I don't know if I'll have them cause might feel a need to restrict since lunch was pretty much calorie dense to me:( oh and I forgotten to mention earlier that I actually was feeling regretful after eating at swensens esp when I was the one who suggested the place. It's like Ed attacked in that split second. But I went to shop for chocolates and all and totally forgotten about the awful feeling!! So hey a good idea k, you guys can try them too. I'm sure it'll help (or hopefully I hope it does)

There's church again tomorrow. I really hope I can go accordingly with my meal plan but Sunday is really impossible cause of the timings. I'll have to skip a meal.. Hmmm so probably a new start on Monday:) but something I'm happy is I didn't overeat or "binge" during lunch and after though restricted a little from ytd. Full but didn't force down more than I can take. :) yay. And though morning didn't start of well but I'm glad it's getting better as the day progresses! Thanks sulynn for the call and dionne for the email:) really thank god for such support:D like even though things seem better compared to the morning, but I still ain't as motivated to recover already:( well, that said, I hope you all comment!!!

should i?

Ok morning! At grandma's place now. so early right? cause they had some sort of meeting with the construction i think. lol just came with mom since nothing to do:) and might be gg out to shop around later i guess. Ok i kinda restricted for breakfast. actually i didn't even want to have breakfast.. but yeah i still had something though. yesterday night was kinda bad in a sense that i was actally pretty hungry but i refused to have something and went to bed. like i feel i can't have supper since i had 2apples after dinner. ok i know this is like shi like ed is taking control again. sigh. and what's worse? even i myself want to slip back cause i miss being my anorexic size though i looked so Boney and scary to others at that time. tbh, i really can't stand my size now its so gross:( Idk what's wrong with me:( don't know what about lunch later. like Nicole told me to have something just now but i didn't, and her other suggestion was to have a bigger lunch. i don't know.. i kind of want to keep to all the safe foods and eat at kopitiams cause i will know the calories of those safe ones i can order. how? honestly, i feel like having earl's senses' cottage pie. its something like shepherd's pie with potatoes a huge chunk and minced pork and stuffs. but the cottage pies comes with a salad bar. salad buffet!!! its not all veggies there's like bread crumbs, biscuits meat and all too.. so like i don't know if i should tell mom if i want to dine there or go kopitiams for low calorie choices. Aw man i got no appetite sigh. please help!!!

Calories, calories, calories

I am having a bad headache. Gag. Went out early in the morning to accompany Mom to drive sis to work and dad to mount faber before heading to Hougang Mall to get food stuffs etc. Got the ingredients for tomorrow's lunch as Mom will be cooking, yay. Fried bee hoon. Ok it's been the second day but I didn't really exactly follow June's meal plan... I mean ok I know she's a dietitian who specialises in nutrition and all to help Ed patients and all. But Idk why I just didn't follow. Esp early in the morning I tend to skip Breakfast or have a low cal bar or just Brunch.. So yeah bad shit. But anyway, I am so mad by HPB. Apparently if you guys noticed, they started having low-cal choices stating the calories oh shit, seriously, this is so like encouraging Ed the monsterous bastard. Last time it used to be only one or rwo kopitiams but now its like EVERYONE. And oh even Jollibean's soymilk has the nutritional content ok! I am so so so awfully triggered by all this.. Its like the Ed is going to start taking control again. It's getting harder and harder... Idk how long can I sustain choosing those not as safe ones without the calorie content. Omg. Like I just found out yesterday and like I already chose safer food for lunch.. And today it pretty much worse. I ordered Yong tau foo but in the super ultra safe way, a way I'd have done so when restricting. Its like all the cheatings are starting to sink in again. Oh God. And like snack, sigh. Maybe Mom will be gertting me dinner later, I hope. Though downstair's coffeeshops don't habe the calorie count but it's all normal foods so like I know some of the calories.. Ok I intend on getting ban mian without the pork cause I know its like low in calories. GAG. But maybe I know I shouldn't get it. Ok I shouldn't get it cause I don't even want to eat it. It's just because of CALORIES. Sigh. Anyway, parents won't be at home for dinner as they will be heading down to Balestier area, to have dinner @ some restaurant with Granny:) Ain't in the mood to go, won't talk about it here. My headache is so bad:( stopped my med already, but now I guess its due to the weather.. But the Dr wanted me to continue with the medicine so have to take it tonight. Oh and yesterday appointments both went well. I mean yeah, even with the dietitian. It never happened before. Hahaha. She really came up with a reasonable meal plan like 3 meals 2 snacks with all the portioned detailed out and initially I was totally in for it. Just somehow now, don't know what happened. I'll follow it tomorrow esp the morning part instead of sleeping in ok. ok. ok. OH! Somethinggoood!! I changed my phone yay finally to Black Samsunf Galaxy SII:) Was like $300++ so thanks to Mom and Dad:) And managed to get screen protector and casing, hot pink HEHEHE. Ok now the maid is still cleaning the house.. Can't wait for her to leave. I'm so sorry but I am really tired to upload all the pics of the trip, but I will upload it asap k!

Back!

Came back from m'sia last night. Ok, so the trip was enjoyable, cause we ate alot. OK i ate alot. Hell lots. I never ate so much in 3 days, it's pretty much insane. HAHAHA. But the food there were gorgeous. Simply delicious! Tried like everything that was ordered but in small portions! Had lotsa chocolate bars and twiggies in between though, esp at night and in the car since the car rides are usually more than an hour. Stayed at 2 different hotels too! On the first night, stayed at Klana Resort at Seremban and had morning breakfast buffet on Tues! NICE. :P Then we cheacked out and headed to KL. Stayed at Furama hotel and yeah, buffet again on Wed morning. Two consecutive buffets! WOAH. But the ain't alot of variety though, maybe cause it's breakfast or something. Took lots of photos too! Zomg. Ok, i will upload the pics once I have the time k. Haha but fyi, the foods won't have any names caus I don't know the names LOL. OH and I have appt later. Gags. Heading out for brunch soon~

Tired day

Woke up @ 10am today but was still really tiredd.. Its just like a day of I-don't-feel-like-eating day. But nevertheless, still had a light breakfast since would be having lunch at around 12pm:) Had a slice of bread with chocolate malt milk. That milk is real nice, it made me stop buying skim milk in fact! Surprisingly good. Ok, so went to shower after that and walked to kovan with mum as she needed to go to the bank. Haha did nothing much and walked to get lunch. So its actually like just 2hours later from breakfast till lunch. Yeap went to Fried Rice again!! Mom ordered Ee Mian while I ordered Black Pepper Fish Roe Fried Rice. YAY so tried 2 different types of fried rice from that stall already. Wanna try all of them hehe. Was really exhausted, had lunch and continued with drama-ing.. Not long after, mum left and I went to nap. Apparently, I slept for a couple of hours, but was still tired after that. No idea why. Also after waking up, the headache was still there. Darn, what's the medicine doing to me:( It's been an eat-and-sleep day. Am totally on a high dosage of laziness. Omg WHY WHY WHY?! So you guess it! Called sis and she got my dinner, pig's stomach soup. OMG nice. First time trying it, will eat it again love love the peppery taste esp:) Really have nothing to talk about.. Just that tomorrow I will be going to church and Idk if I should have breakfast at home first or go for brunch with parents straight due to the timings hmmm. Probably heading home after lunch or snack to start packing my luggage!:) Leaving on Monday early morning yay.

Gasps.

Hola, wasn't feeling really well so yeah I didn't post anything. Apparently, I don't really have appetite to eat after taking the med last night. I don't know why, but it's also giving me headaches:( Not a goood thing though sigh. But anyway I still have to take them. And yeh today started my day off with a better breakfast! Had toast, banana, cereal and milk. Nice. Surprisingly, I didn't get yogurt & muesli from O'Briens.. Was intending to get actually after sesh with Tina. Just didn't want to put anything into my mouth. Ok this is really weird. The new med seems to be making things worse instead though I no longer have the urge to want to overeat or binge. Anyway, I still have my 3 main meals! That's a must cause I don't want to restrict again. Guess didn't have noon snack was because of the bad headache that I went to nap after lunch till like 4pm! Good sleep, but the headache stil don't seem to subside. Ok, lunch I got Imperial XO Fried Rice from FRIED RICE. They have a variety of fried rice. Omg feel like trying everyone of them. Hahaha. I got the Imperial one cause I didn't know what to get.. So got something different. Though it has XO but it's really yummy. Can say is the best fried rice I've ever eaten! Oh and lunch was so ex:( @ &18. Hahaha was actually tempted to throw away but couldn't bear to cause it was so ex! See, a good reason for an ex lunch. Hahaha. And dinner, had Fried Rice again. Sounds like I love Fried rice now eh? Ok don't care about the oil, its pretty oily. Just telling myself that it'll help be poop! Had a different fried rice from different place though. Mom got sambal fried rice for me from the coffeeshop nearby out house:) Not too bad, but lunch's was better. Oh, and I am totally in love with "Life Without Limits" book. If you wanna read it, can borrow from me:) Comment or text me to let me know! Glad to share, it's a really good book. Still halfway through. So, sesh with Tina was good! Yay have seen her for 24times already, but it don't seem to be that long. Well this shows how quickly time goes by. :) Will be seeing her next week too, like every friday. Hah she's really helping, and told me to continue with my food journal so yes I'll be continuing with it. Feel like eating papaya! Esp with its chilled. It helps to quench thrist hehe. Hmmm have no idea what I will be up to tomorrow, but Tina suggested that I should go shopping. Honestly, I am not prepared cause everything is stored @ the central part.. So she gave another suggestion! To go get free-sized clothings! HAHA will do that soon, at least I'll have more clothes to wear LOL. Today is friday.. Ok so 3 more days!

Yes, it's a binge.

As seen from my title, yes I have episodes of binging! Zomg. That's weird like really! Was not OVERLLY full and Dr Ng said its a binge. Example; 6tsp, 3swiss roll, 3Mcvities, chocolate and uhm 4 bakery buns. Sometimes with ice cream. Ok, now it really seems alot. Hahaha. But she said I did a good job with my meals. Hehehe. And changed med to Sertraline HCL 50MG. So high the dosage! After eating the med having slight headache, I don't know if it will get worse but hopefully not. So, was referred to the dietitian again. Dr Ng said she's the most important person I need to see now. Hahaha and because of my urges to binge at times, Dr Ng called Dr Lee and they came up with 2 options for me. First, try and control with the med that uhm won't really help. But also need help from my Mom. Second, to get admitted. She said won't be for a long stay though. Will see if I do need to get admitted a not next week. Seeing another Dr and dietitian.. Hope everything goes well before the next appointment! Hehe. Oh, and Mom drove me to SGH today cause I happen to meet her at the lift! Such a coincidence, so she went with me and spoke to the doctor too. But before seeing the doctor, we went to have lunch @ Kopitiam. Decided on having YTF! Last had them a couple of months ago! Ooo so longgg. Though its still YTF, but the ingredients and all are so different compared to the time when I was restricting. Hahaa took 8 ingredients min 7. 2 veg, 4 fried, a hotdog and some yellow skin stuff with kway teow dryyy. Omg i miss kway teow. Andandand 3scoops of sweet sauce, 1scoop chilli sauce! Missed the sauces ohso much too!:) Finally awwwww~ After the appointment, went to get Jollibean Azuki beans with Matcha soy something like that.. Its kinda like icy but yummy! Love love love the red beans esp:) Will get it again, I like this more than the original soymilk. Prefer original soymilk from Mr Bean and Selegie Soymilk:) They just taste better! Then Mom collected my med and we left. Went to Heart Land Mall @ Kovan to go cold storage shoppinggg hahaha sounds stupid. K, then got dinner and rushed home. RUSHED. Apparently Mom has to go to church so yeah. Time was running out. Haha. Had spaghetti for dinner, tomato based. Still don't really dare try the cream based ones, but will challenge myself to it soon! Will talk about that when I have it:) Oh, and Dr advised me to cut down on my supper esp since its likely to be turned into a binge. Usually it happens @ night instead of during the day. Haha no idea why. Ok, so from tomorrow onwards, will be having a hearty and filling breakfast. Trying out and see how it goes cause Mom said I should eat most during the day and not at night so it will be less likely for me to crave anything. But on the other hand, though the doc said that I did binge sometimes but it's because my body is repairing and it's so deprived:( sorry body:( And I miss froyo:( Ok, tomorrow having session with tina again! Yay like to talk to her, she's a really really good psychologist:) Prefer her over the one I saw @ KKH when I was admitted there. Till here, have a good rest:)

P.S. Please comment if you read ok! It feels as though no one is viewing:( :( :(

Be hopeful:)

Good day!:) Woke up pretty early, @ 8am! Hehehe got woken up by the aroma of fried egg from the kitchen! Mom was preparing sister's breakfast. And so, I don't know why, but I couldn't get back to sleep after that:( Once again, was thinking of having my usual fix of cereal, milk and mcvities. So no varietyy! Was craving for tsp again! OMG I can't imagine a life without it, it's like a part of my life now. Gosh never thought possible! Told Mommy about it and it was really nice of her to get them for me before going to work! Thanks Mom:) So, had 6tsp for breakfast! 3 Sweet and 3 Salty. Hehehe satisfied, my body got what it craved. Yay hairpeee.
Ok so for today... I have an appointment @ SGH @ 2.30pm with Dr Ng. I am uhm pretty scared! Dreading it cause of the weigh in. Hopefully I won't get freaked out. I really don't know what's wrong with my body, but I hope she knows. If not I really do not know what to do next:( God bless me. Will be having lunch out, might be getting a wrap or something, easier:) If I am heading down to SGH straight, I might just get it from O'Briens. If not I will have something else from somewhere else:) For now, till here. Will update again once I am back.

Full maxzzz

Just a short post before uhm continuing with my drama LOL. After contemplating for oh-so long, decided to go buy Mac with Mom. Hahaaha, just done eating not long ago! Before 12am. Hahaas. So it was still supper right?! Ok, had Double Mcspicy set upsize, drinks iced milo and shaker fries(shared w Mom), Oreo mcflurry and half an apple pie! Super full now. Ok, forget about the weight. Stupid scale! So..
Now is a new day! It is 12.03am NOW. Full and energetic, hahahaa. Having an appointment with Dr Ng KW tomorrrow @ SGH, idk what time, haven't checked my appt card yet. And I don't even know where I left it. Its not in my wallet!!! Ohno, I only have tina's ones:) Gonna be weighed, something that I absolutely hate. But hopefully I won't go restricting after that cause usually that's what happens when I find myself so heavy and that I need to shed some pounds. But that's Ed. Gonna tell my concerns to Dr Ng as well and see what she'll say. Hope all things go well tomorrow, lifting them all up to God. He will provide for me:) Love God. I Love God. I Love Him.:)

Maybe sleeping after watching an episode or so! Heehee sleeping with a full tummy, how good can that be? Ohio. Hope everyone gets inspired and motivated k!

Stay strong xx

And ONE last thing. I am so unproportional:( Like my legs are pretty thin, but my tummy is HUGE. Not big, but HUGE. ok I feel like those Indians yknow, like big stomach, thin legs. EEE omg so weird!!!!

Ok, bye!:)
Have a good rest!

Motivations & Reasons.

Hello! Nothing to do, so yeap, some pictures here. Hopefully it motivates you guys:) And I'll also be posting the reasons on why I want to recover. Still undiscovering some of them. But maybe won't post all of them? Haha, will see how:) Oh and I had a packet of Orchard Blend Dried Fruits for snack @ 3pm cause just had a simple lunch. Hehe hungry. And now, still hungry:( Will have super early dinner @ 5pm! And Mom helped me trim my fringe. Yay thanks Mommy! But don't know what should I have for dinner. Mhm. And my water retention is so bad, eso after the buffet! But I don't regret going for the buffet though! Hehehe. Water retention sucks! Eeks I totally hate it. Gag guess yesterday's dinner is too high in sodium! Ops. Will be home alone tonight!!! Love it. And surprisingly, I haven't continued watching the korean drama! Instead, I helped out with housework. I vacuumed and mopped the house. Nice to sweat it out:) And decorated my "Journey to Recovery" Motivational Board too! With stickers of food LOL. It's so cute, hahaha.

Ok, so here.
Reasons why I want to recover:
-Being able to eat whatever I want without feelings of guilt and regret
-Loving the way I look
-Not preoccupied with food, calories etc
-Need not stick to foods I deem safe
-Being truly happy
-Finding my old self back, the real me
-Accepting myself for who I am
-Getting a life, Without Ed
-Being able to have meals with friends
-No longer bothered about my weight
-Developing just a LOVE relationship with food
-Having my menses back
-Being able to exercise to stay healthy
-Won't be a worry to friends & family
-So that I can help other anorexics
-No longer under the control of Ed
-No longer counting calories
-No need to keep a food diary
-Eating as and when I want to
-No need to restrict to want to lose weight
-Be a living testimony to glorify God
-Won't be ashamed of myself
-Feelings of anxiety,depression GONE
-Loving my body
-Feeling good in my own skin
-Getting my health back on track
-Hopefully can improve my osteoporosis
-Having high metabolism!
And more! But up till here:)

Some pictures to share!:)











Love yourself for who you are! God loves you and I love you too.
Enjoy life, Enjoy food!

xoxo

Welcome the day:)

Morning to all! The sun is bright today. Seems like a great start! I woke up early today. Exactly @ 9am! WHOO cool. But actually not. Gag. Okay, my day started off with a hearty breakfast again! Awesome, no restriction. Teehee. Here's what I had, Koko Crunch, milk, 4Mcvities and 3 Cranberry Nougats! But honestly, it's not really filling. Maybe something else later:) My tummy! Still popping out from yesterday's dinner. Omg like a baby inside, Hahahahaha. Sounds wrong:/ I will be watching my Korean Drama again! It's really nice and uhm somehow somehow addictive that I can't stop watching. Apparently, its this case. No shows ever got my hooked, dont't know why this one has the power. Haa. I feel like doing so much! But I am so lazy to do them:( Need to stop procrasting. Ok deal. And lunch and dinner... Settle on my own cause Mom has to go to church for a "mama" course and no one will be home. Was thinking of heading down to NEX so I can settle my dinner there and read some books in the library:) I was wanting to find a really good book that have different recipes to make smoothies. Easy steps and gorgeous looking and deliciously tasty! Been to different bookstores, but nah. Found none. Maybe cause I am too fussy! But again, it I ate out, there will be a challenge. What food will I order? Will I cheat? Will I finish the portion? Gag.

Love love my sweeet! So nice, it used to be one of my favourite sweet heehee:) k, nothing exciting happened since I woke up, so will update again later!

Pariss International Buffet Seafood Restaurant!

Just came back from a buffet. Omg so full now, my tummy is protruding out so big now! Gosh, never so big. Hahaha but I am so satisfied with the meal:) Mom and I went to Suntec City at around 4pm! We walked around Suntec and was deciding on what to have for dinner while waiting for dad to come. But we couldn't decide on which restaurant to go! So we continued walking and walking since I didn't want to have dinner at the Food court. Suddenly I had a craving for Pariss International Seafood Buffet! Hehehe. Don't know why, but my body was craving for it I guess? So my mind signalled me ahhaha. So, when dad came, I asked if he was okay with dining there and he agreed almost instantly! YAY love love my parents:) They said as long as I want to eat, they will bring me there. Awww :')
We then walked to Marina Square cause the buffet is there. Paid money first, $143++ then went to try the foods! Yuumm the appearance of the foods is so tantalizing. Whoo. It was an exact 2 hours of eating, NON-STOP. Didn't manage to try all the food though, such a pity! Cause there was so much variety that I can't squeeze them all into my stomach! Hahaha. First time trying Fresh Mussels and it tasted goood. And first time eating beef steak as well:) usually only order sirloin steak, so its good to try something new. Though I didn't try all of the dishes and soups, but I tried most of the dessert! Except 4 I think. HAHAHA. I have a sweet tooth, that's why! Ok, done talking. Let the pictures do the talking now! Oh, and mum got me a pack of Florida Natural's Blueberry Fruit Nugget sweet and NutriSoy! Gonna drink that though I am still full. Feeling thirstyyyyy:(

K, PICTURES!

Choco Lava Cake


Choco Lava Cake with the Melted Choco oozing out!
-Ops pic upside down-












Beef Steak


Kailan with Mushrooms & Hong Kong Steamed Fish


Egg Mayo Toast, Tuna Toast & Sour Plum Juice


Shark Fin Soup with Crab Meat


Char Siew Bao, Ebiko Fishball, Chicken Siew Mai, Prawn Dumpling & Steamed Dumpling


Cheese Scallop


Chicken Satay


Thai style Fish Cakes, Sotong Balls,Cajun Chicken Wing &Chilli Crab(at the back:))


Durian Puff


Fresh Mussels! (first time trying)


Breaded Scallop, Pizza, Spring Roll, Garlic Bread


Fried Golden Buns & Ebi Tempura


Chilli Bamboo Clams

Let today be a good day:)

Morning sushines! Yeap, let today be a good day. And that means no restricting, and having good proper meals today. Sounds like a good idea to me! Let it apply to your lives too ok? So, let's talk about yesterday! Day started off with a bowl of hearty cereal, milk and 2 Mcvities biscuits! Love love Mcvities esp when dipped in milk. Hehe. Not long after, I was tempted to have more, so I had 2 nore Mcvities and a Crunchie Chocolate Bar which my sister got for me 2days back:) Nice oh how I missed it. Hehe though it gets sticky and the caramel sticks to my teeth, but nevertheless it's still one of my favourite chocolate bars. I love the "crunch" sounds, it makes it all the more delicious! And it was only when I started recovery that I realised I am a chocolate lover! Well, basically when I was restricting, I didn't allow myself to any those treats so it's been hidden and buried. Maybe more will be discovered during my recovery phase! Sounds like some treasure hunting. OH and I had sweet and sour fish for dinner! One of my fav food. Yum. Used to be my fear food alongside with sweet and sour pork. But hey now they are no longer my fear foods! Its like once I started trying, I realised how much I missed them and I never want them to be termed "unsafe" foods anymore. :)) But struggled a lil yesterday as I was contemplating whether I should have my fav Tau sar piah for supper! But good news is here! I went to have 5 of them and with no regrets went to bed:) It's another accomplishment done, another note to be pinned onto my board:) Gorgeous. Will be having lunch at home today. And yes there's a challenge: I am going to get my lunch on my own, which means the temptation to cheat is oh-so big. Esp when there is bread at home, and I can just prepare one sandwich. Gag. :( Hmm, maybe I should be firm on what I wanna eat first, then just go buy it without thinking and head home straight! GOOD IDEA~ Maybe I should get... Fried bee hoon if they sell. If they don't, second alternative would be... Fried rice! Okay. good. set. this. is. it. Either. this. or. That.
Oh and will be heading out for dinner with mom after the insurance lady leave at idk what time all I know is she'll be coming after 2.30pm. We haven't decided on where to go yet! Hahaha. Will update once I'm home at night! With pictures too!:)
And before I forget, when I was reading "Life without limits", some quotes strucked me. Will share it with you guys if you happen to see:)

"You' can't control what happens to you. There are some occurences in life that are not your fault or within your power to stop. The choice is either to give up or to keep on striving for a better life."

"Everything happens for a reason and in the end good will come of it"

"You will face moments of doubt and fear. Feeling down is natural, its a part of being perfectly human. Such feelings pose as a danger only if you allow negative thoughts to stick around instead of letting them wash over you"

"-The if I just had X, I would be happy- syndrome is a mass delusion. When you look for happiness in mere objects, they are never enough.
Look around. Look within."

"God does not make mistakes, but he does make miracles. I am one. You are too."

Hope this Quotes will be helpful to many of you:)

No excuses please!

Went to Kallang Leisure Park again to have meals. Haha but since I already had breakfast, I had froyo w cran and straw berries instead. Yumm it was fan-ta-bu-lous! Love love love it. Hehe. Then we went to church. But not long after, my stomach was growling. Darn it. And no food. So I drank water till I wanna vomit. Eeks! Ok, so.. We headed to Plaza Sing after that and dined at Pastamania! Well the Prawns risotto was good. Know why I didn't include "mussels"? Cause I didn't eat them! Hahaha gave them to dad. And tried a spoon of Mom's mushroom baked rice, was good too:) Mom said I am restricting again. Gag. Then we bought tickets to watch Tower Heist. OMG it was hilarious. Go watch it:) ANDANDAND i was so sleepy. Been yawning since morning! ): sleep deprived? Hahaha so impossible! And after the show we went home. Got takeways and I ordered Seafood Mui fan, extra rice ok! And helped Mom ate some of her Hor Fun. She's full from all the popcorn. Ahhaha. And I snacked on Nougats and some peanut stuff. Pretty full now. HeHeHe. No plans for tomorrow, boring day again. Watching another korean drama, at least it helps to kill time. GREAT. Oh and I am so constipated again. Damn. Always liddat when I restrict during the day!!! k, update again tomorrow? BYE.
EAT MORE RECOVERING ONES!:)


Prawn and mussels risotto


A look of how my lunch should look like


Garlic Bread & Mushroom soup

Over-dued!

Pictures first!

Ala-carte; Fried White Fish


Mom's Cha Sho Ramen


Mabo Tofu Ramen @ Ajisen; yesterday's lunch


Chicken Tikka wrap @ Soup Spoon

Had the wrap with pumpkin soup too, but forgotten to take a photo of that. Sorry guys!