day 3!

Create a Mascot~

-mine's in a animal form! :)
Eagle.
Well, cause even though eagles look fierce and daring and intimidating on the outside, but its not really as it seems. It has it struggles too! I don't exactly remember everything, just a vague idea but it does apply to my daily life and motivation. (if i remember xD) After a couple of years, the eagle have to make a choice which is really really crucial. For its survival. It can choose to undergo 40days(i think) of pain, lonliness and all and knock out its own beak which is going to be so so so painful and wait for it to grow or it can choose to not go through the painful process and as the beak grows day by day, the life of the eagle will get shorter and shorter. Ofcourse, some may choose to undergo the painful process and some may not. But what I'm trying to get at for recovery is that it is going to be a long tedious painful upsetting process. You know it, I know it, We all know it! But we do know that as we let go for Ed slowly, and endure the pain in the meantime, one day, we will be free from the bondages of the Eating Disorder and eventually be freee, becoming who we really are. The true identity of ourselves instead of being an "unknown", who's all lost. So, your choice is important it has an impact on your life<3 hang in there!

PS idk if it makes any sense, this day3 challenge is not an easy one :P

#day 2

Top Ten reasons to Fight for/Stay Recovered.

1. Parents- their never ending love and effort trying their utmost best to help me to recover, always being there esp my mom to support me in all ways that I need made me see that I'm more important and loved and that I do not deserve a life with Ed.
2. Be free- No longer want to be tied down by the bondages of Ed, obeying its "rules" and being controlled..
3. Self acceptance- One day to be able to accept myself for who I am, appreciate myself which includes my flaws and have a healthy self esteem and that can only happen without Ed (cause its the one telling me all the negatives stuffs)
4. Normal Eater- To be able to eat freely, whatever I want without restricting, without counting calories without feeling horribly guilty and dwelling on it. Oh, and eating desserts, drinking starbucks as and when I want:D
5. Help other sufferers- Got to be fully recovered first before I can really help others right?:D
6. Exercise!- This is normal.. But what I'm trying to get at is about not being obsessed about exercising excessively, but exercising because I waant to and have the time to do so. In other words, enjoying my exercise instead of being "forced".
7. Be Healthy- Want to be able to live a life free from the hospital. Hahaha. And having organs which are functioning properly to keep me alive and healthy so I can do lots of stuffs!!!
8. School- Attend school! Yes, school. Without having to skip school or being on long MCs to be warded in hospital because of Ed.
9. God!!!:D- I want to be a living testimony to show God's works in my life. How amazing he is:D How perfect and wonderful awesome he is oh how much I love him. Everything's to His Glory:D
10.... MYFUTURE:D This's very berry important don't ya think so? Ahhas. Yeah, I wanna study in an overseas university, perferably NYC (no idea why just like it) and have work in the forensics department! To reach there, I need food to fuel my body and give me the energy to write and study. Boohoo. END.
:D

THOSE ARE REASONS. K.

QUOTE!
"Don't worry about hard times because some of the most beautiful things we have in life come from changes and mistakes"

HFC challenge:)

Hey so someone commented and suggested that I should try out this 31 day challenge, for the whole of may and I think it sounds good so here I am! Gonna start:) Also I think its good cause I must then update daily... Well yes. Its only for MAY. Today's the 2nd, so I'll actually start with day 1 and day 2. :)

Day 1: I write about eating disorders because...
Personally for me, I do blog about Ed because I am recovering from Anorexia and I know how hard the process is.. How tedious and tiring it can get and how strong the urges are to slip back to how I was when I was sick to be "thin". Like and I hope it'd actually help people who have Ed too! To let them know that support and help is always available, recovery will be possible. And it makes me happy sort of, to share my thoughts, struggles, victories with anyone and everyone. Just wanna let you guys know that you aren't alone, never. Hope my blog actually helps:)

Just a little more.

Happy Labour Day! Today's a public holiday yay. But also, going out on a public holiday is kinda not so good cause yeah, it tends to be overly crowded, you'd probably just see heads instead of the goods. LOL. So, nothing's planned for me sadly! And I'm still sick its been a few days and I really hate it, I can't have a peaceful sleep because of my flu... Wasted idk how many boxes of tissue papers already hahahas. Hope I get well soooon. Wednesday, tomorrow, school's gonna end @ 5, and I totally would not want a super irritating nose accompanying me throughout lectures and tutorials. :( And that also means I've to go back to school after appointment @ 12pm. And guess what? This is only week 2 of school, and the work is pretty much rather hard to understand, with all the long unheard chemistry words.. That has to be memorized. OMG. Week 2. How about the upcoming weeks? I wonder. Definitely, TOUGHER. I'm gonna be a good girl today, stay home with my books paper pens pencil = STUDY. :D Haven't actually done that for quite some time! Not that motivated bleah but I'll still do it. :D Yay GOGOGO. Oh, and yesterday, lunch was good! I'm glad. We ended school early, 45mins earlier heh. So had lunch outside with my clique. Headed down to Nex and dined @ Ramen Play. Honestly, it posed as a lil challenge with the mass amounts of options before me and the temptation to refuse/not finish it. But I managed to do so, and it felt really awesome. How good is that?:) A sense of satisfaction<3 OHOHOH. I watched mean girls 2 last night with Mom, kinda bimbotic but I guess all shows have moral values? They all teach something out of it. Probably you can go watch it if you haven't. It actually shows how easily influenced people can get, and do things against their conscience to achieve what they want. And how people can change. How conformed they are by society, by the rich and popular. Anyway, I'll just end here!

Quote!
"Never say goodbye if you still want to try.
Never give up if you still feel you can go on"<3

Just a summary:)

Hey peeps. Haven't blogged for quite some time already, been feeling pretty lazy and busy. Heh. So just a summary...
School started last monday! Honestly, when I first went to school, I felt really alone I just want to cry and stuff. Cause everyone went for orientation week 0 except for me. But in times like this, that's when I see the glory of God, how amazing he is. Let's just say that from Day 2, I've a group of friends already. That's amazing right? And they are a group of really awesome people! Which I really really thank God for. :) Hopefully as time pass by, we'll get to know each other betterxxx And for the first week, been packed with school and appointment! Well 3 appointments in one week and since there's no tutorials and lab work on week 1, been having lunch out w Mom before appointments. Like everything's all just in time that sort of stuff. Just on appointment days. Didn't go to school on Friday tho, went home after I saw Tina. Sickkkk. Overnight. No freaking idea what happened, it was like an all of a sudden thing, so yeah. :( Pretty sad.. And today's sunday, now I'm @ home and honestly, it feels really weird and especially very very boring to be home on Sundays. :( Time is like not moving at all:( I wonder when will the day actually end... And then there's school tomorrow, starting off with 3 hours of Organic Chemistry Lab followed by lectures till 3pm. And yay end school! Whooo. Hahaha. Lab workkkk! Been a year since I did lab work, oh and that reminds me to do the elab thing beforehand:) Heee. And yay, I'm happy cause I made another new friend. Hahaa, she's also battling Anorexia. Freaking Ana. Yes I've never actually seen her before, just text and fb and stuff and she seem like a really nice girl:) I'm sure she is anyway. No one is bad by nature:) Besides school, life's not really good. I've been struggling honestly yes yes yes. S-T-R-U-G-G-L-I-N-G. *pronounce it* Meals been much of a disater, restricting, followed by bingeing. Not big in quantity but still, its not normal? Like Idk how to explain its just messed up eating. Only thursay I really ended up bingeing? Yes, that was a binge. To me it is:( With all the guilt and urges to get the food out, it was really hard. I didn't vomit it out, but I just hate it I hate that I have such messed up eating. I hate it that I can't actually eat normally like a noraml person wihout restricting or overeating. I hate having all this weird eating... It seriously makes me feel so shitty lousy. Bleah. I'd really want to get rid of it, who wouldn't? I want to be normal, yet it seems so far. It sounds so easy but reaching that stage is yet another issue that's so hard. So ohmygoodnessssss. Ugh. But still, I believe that its possible and achievable:) So the past few down days are not gonna pull me down I'm back on my feet again. Yay I'll make this work. :D Yay Yay Yay ok it'll succeed one day!! Self assurance, w'ev you think of it as. :) Thank God there's mom with me to make sure that I do eat as well, which really helps a lot too:) But still, I want to be responsible for my own eating. Especially in school. It'll definitely pose as a challenge, but i'll still try. :D Oh and yes! I signed up for skating which is roller blading! Hahaha, it sounds really fun. Pretty interested in it, so yeah, starts on Friday and whooo can't wait to check it out:) And a quote again!
"Surround yourself with positive people who will guide you through your darkest clouds and help you to reach the stars" :)

One day, one day.

I'll wait and stay strong till the day I'm free.
Free from the Eating Disorder.
Free from Calorie counting.
Free from "forced" exercising.
Free from Doctors.

Everything.

One day.

The pain and struggles I'm facing will be worth it,
It'll mold me into a stronger person

Dinner was not good!

Not in the best of mood now, yeah. Cause dinner was not good. Ed attack. And yes, I gave it. Not totally, but still, I did gave in. Even the slightest would be considered, right? Had dinner @ Magic Wok with parents and grandma! And yet... It wasn't bad but just wasn't good:( Anyway, had therapy today! On self-esteem. How to work towards a positive self esteem, the middle ground. :) For most Ed patients, I suppose our self esteem tend to be at the self-defeating shame? For me, it is. And for some egoistic ones, they tend to have self-defeating pride. Both are unhealthy! Self esteem should be healthy, appreciative etc. Not on either ends. So I'll work towards that! It'd be good to feel comfortable with myself, in all aspects. :) Don't you think so? Oh. And although dinner wasn't good, there's still something good everyday! I had MacD's Sausage& Egg McGriddles SET for breakfast! I wanted it, muahaha. As it was a set, it included hashbrown and a drink. For me, Iced Milo! It was a filling and satisfying breakfast. GREAT. I'd be better if I had maple syrup to go along with the hashbrown! Something I like about hotcakes, it has maple syrup. That makes me happy:) Going back to dinner. No, going back to "giving in" to Ed. I was quite pissed @ myself after that, and pretty much regretted cause I think I made my parents start thinking... About Ed and slipping and "what's gonna happen when school starts" etc. Which I really hate it I hate worrying them about Ed issues. It makes them upset too. Which ugh makes me mad. Not mad, just at a loss. But came up with something! Mom said she's gonna cook dinner everyday. Weekdays! It'd be good, at least there's a decent meal that I would have for sure. Without any Ed inference. I can't imagine being left on my own to settle all of my meals now. It's really not gonna work when I haven't really tried. So yeah. Will try. :) Definitely, I have to be responsible for my meals and my body toooo. So yeap. School's on MONDAY. Time is passing by so quickly now. OMG WHYYYYY. ): but yay saturday tomorrow! As I said, going Cedele for Brunch. And guess what? I'm gonna cook my own dinner tomorrow! Watch out for pictures which will leave you drooling heeheehee. Provided if its a success!- You know I suck @ cooking sadly. But @ least I can bake! :D

To end this, QUOTE TIME!
"You can never quit.
Winners never quit,
and quitters never win"

New look!

How's the new blogskin? Hahaha it actually took me hours to do it, which was extremely time consuming. But I like it :P Hahaha, I chose tons of blogskin and copy paste but ended up changing and changing. Imagine that-.- Seriously. Ohwell @ least its all done. Now, school. SCHOOL. I can't log in to the student portal. Not even now and school's starting on Monday. Ugh even the asa people couldn't help... Well, deferement case really that complicated? Anyway, went to the wet market with Mom today morning! She was gonna prepare lunch and dinner since sist's friend was coming over. It was like some fashion show just now. Lol. Ahhh love home cooked food, it makes me happy and I feel good eating that. But the Ed is also definitely stronger when Mom cookes. Pretty much like that for me. But it was good. And you know what? I love onions. stirfried ones. LOVE. Mad good!:D Didn't do much today also. Was just glued to my laptop since morning till dinner, and now. Hahaha. Which is not a really good way to spend the day. Yes it's not. Oh, tomorrow's friday! That means appointment with Tina. Yaaaaayyy. :D I always look forward to it, just that tomorrow's therapy I wonder how will it turn out. Perhaps I'll get emotional or something. Looking forward to it and I'll talk about that tomorrow! And then there's physio after. Wow haven't really stretched my muscles for quite some time, so I am absolutely looking forward to that. My Friday routine is pretty much the same, appointments and either out or home. Tomorrow would be- Home:) And I can't wait for saturday I'm going to GreenWich to meet LJ for brunch/lunch @ Cedele! Whooosoundssogoooodheavens! Haven't met up with her for 3 weeks already I think. Or 2? So yay I'll see her on Saturday. No concrete plans after that so anyone wanna go out? Hahaha tell me ok!

And to end this, a beautiful quote!!
"You must try to generate happiness within yourself. If you aren't happy in one place, chances are you won't be happy anyplace"

Random dinner!

Good evening! Had appointment with the dietitian today, and phew it was good. Well, yes it was. She saw my food diary after so long say three weeks hahaha and at least I was having regular meals which was good. Just have to work further on my meals choices that I eat most of the time cause some its dominated by Ed. Well and I'm glad to say dinner I had what I actually wanted. And yay made another improvement in 3weeks! By completing tasks that I was supposed to:) *pats on shoulder* calorie counting has also decreased! Whooo. Thank God. I mean, there still is, but I'll work towards that. Breakfast was great, mom prepared it, and it was good. Hahahaha bananas! :P Yum. And guess what? I saw the dietitian for an hour... That's super long, I know but it didn't felt like it was that long. Honestly, I like seeing the dietitian cause she assures me and tells sense and all to me which makes sense since they're qualified. So it pretty much makes Ed feel really stupid and she helps in assuring me that whatever Ed said were just lies. Headed to Bedok Interchange after that to get lunch before going to Gran's place. The food there... Not really interesting so nothing caught my eye. So, ended up with the most typical meal- rice and dishes. Not cheap ok! And got Selegie's Red Bean Soy Milk Cold. So good I like Red bean but I love Soy Milk. LOL. Exceptionally yummy since it was a super ultra hot day. :D And went to meet SL after that! Not straight after la, lol. Mom drove me to serangoon well cause I slept and woke up late, so yeah. Thanks Mom<3 We walked to Upper Thomson Road and she was introducing the food centres to me here and there. Hahahaha but seems like the 2 good food stalls already closed shop, sadly. One was "Chocolat &Spice"! Heard about it from Jo before but never get to try it:( Hahaha walked around before we finally on an impromptu dinner consisting of a bakery bun from Yijia Bakery and IceCream On Waffle from Salted Caramel. :D It was good! Hahahaha. Sweeeeet dinner. The waffle and icecream was reaaally sweet cause of the maple syrup but still it was awesome. I'll upload the pictures taken today and the lunch @ Jack's Place and dinner @ Siam Kitchen! Sorry for the delay xxxxx

Lunch @ Jack's Place with Mum:)

Grilled fish with watercress sauce

Grilled chicken

Dinner @ Siam Kitchen with Dad:)

French Bean!

Tom Yum Seafood Soup!

(really thick taste)

Fried Thai Fish Cake- A must try!

Today's Dinner!

@ Salted Caramel!

SL & I! @ YIJIAAAAA:)

My Horlicks Tim Tam Ice cream on Waffle+maple syrup!

SL's Peanut Butter Ice Cream On Waffle+maple syrup!

Raisin Cheese Bakery Bun

Raisin Cheese & Ham+ Egg Bakery Buns

:)

I will make tomorrow a better day, I promise.

"The sky isn't always blue. The sun doesn't always shine. So it's okay to fall apart sometimes, but always remember to get up again" <3

Recovery.

Recovery is Possible.
It's worth it, it'll be.

Solo Meals w Mom&Dad!

Heeeey so as I was saying, I went out on Saturday for dinner with my dad! Ended up dining @ Siam Kitchen instead as he wanted to have the Seafood Tom Yum soup. Was a good dinner tho, especially with prawn crackers! Been ages since I ate them. Oh, and a gay couple was sitting directing opposite us! Any idea how embarrassing it was? To be facing that direction and trying not to look @ the both of them behaving intimately? Gross. Actually I didn't realise that until my dad told me! Ahhhaas, quite grossed out by them. :/ And today, headed to Tp to collect my Matrix card before watching Mirror Mirror with Mom @ Century! Was quite a funny show and it actually taught some morals... Seriously. And I didn't attend orientation today, well not because I don't want to but I didn't know about the details and stuff guess mine was different cause its a deferment case, a lil or rather very much complicated. Can't log into the student portal, so who knows about the timetable... So dead. Emailed the course manager and he got me to call another guy which I'd do so tomorrow morning. And I totally forgotten that the case manager knows that I'm recovering from anorexia. Like I deferred to be hospitalised for treatment. So OMG. Not really looking to school tho, kinda scared about what my previous schoolmates will say, since I've put on like 10+kg from my lowest weight. Which really scares me. I'd be really really affecting both mood and eating wise. Dammnnnn. If only people could actually be more sensitive about what they say, lol they've no idea how big a difference their comment can make. K, skip that. School's starting officially on the 23rd April. Apparently, no go orientation = no friends = lonely-.- Ahahaha. Its kinda sad that tomorrow's orientation starts late afternoon and its stayover night! But I've got piano lesson and 2appointments on Wed early in the morning so I can't go either. Friday's there's some idk what activity and I've 2 appointments tooo. My life is revolving around all appointments from SGH seriously.
Besides stuffs about school, I've to admit that I've been struggling a lil. Which I hope will not go downhill... Yesterday for instance, I wasnt really full from lunch so I wanted a durian waffle and mom got it for me. But upon ordering, I suddenly felt the guilt you know? Like ugh. But managed to have a bit, just not the whole thing. Offered here and there, whhich ended up I ate the least when I wanted it. :( And today, went out for lunch with Mom @ Jack's Place. Well, I ordered some grilled fish with watercress sauce. It came with a baked potato, and I refused to have the cream and bacon. I mean I'd have eaten it it'd make the potato look nicer too lol. And I didn't. Idk what's wrong with me today. Dinner too, I got so paranoid over how much rice was given to me but thankfully I still ate what was portioned out for me so that's still fine. No guilt until now yaaayy:) I guess I'm just really stressed about going back to school. No idea why, but I feel shame, disgusted and all the negative things you can possibly think of on myself. Which sucks big time. Oh, but I received something really good from Sunday's sermon, that Grace is given by God +++. No just once, but thrice or more! How awesome is that:) Heee. Made a new friend today too, which really made my day. Feel like I can talk to her though I think she's a year younger then me:) Well, I think its always easier to talk to someone going through the same thing for now? At least they'd understand and give the support I need which really really means a lot<3 Amazing people:) aanddd recovery is really really hard, I honestly don't know what to expect when I return back to school. K that really worries me, I wanna continue studying yet @ the same time I can't stop being self conscious. Perhaps constantly reminding myself of the quote and telling myself to hang in there move on to a brighter future carefree ed free life might really help:) I might not be able to stop Ed-ish behaviours immiediately but @ least decreasing them would help in my recovery:) YEEEEAHHHHOOOOO. It's possible.

I'll not give up

Hey guys:) Saw Tina yesterday morning and it was good. Overshot an hour. Sometimes, an hour is not enough for an update of a week or so? Heh. She's really got me thinking and I'm really glad that I've her help in recovery other than my family and friends. She really gave me the comfort I needed by telling me that she's gonna help me find out who am I really. Without Ed. Honestly, I'm scared. But I know that it'd be better. :) Therapy's gonna start on Friday and well... I think it might get emotional! I cry really easily nowadays... GGGGGG.com:( But still, I have to face it. Yesterday wasn't a really good day, @ night. Felt really useless suddenly and lonely. Really empty like there's a void inside of me. Ugh. Talked to Jolynn and I'm really happy she was there:) Her advices did help, and especially this quote- "Don't do something for someone because you want them to care about you. Do something for someone because you care about them".Its a good quote, right? It hit me really hard inside and I was thinking, reflecting about what have I been doing. Say, just in terms of recovery since its taking up a big part of my life. A part of me still holds on to recovery, is still really afraid of letting go of Ed. But the bigger part of me is fine living a life without Ed. Why am I holding on to Ed? All along, I always thought that I didn't dare let go completely of Ed was because of the fear that I'd be back at the size when I was once fat. That was the greatest fear that was holding on to Ed. But then, there's no 100% guarantee that I'd be back like that size right? In fact, I've been told by the dietitian that I won't. But why is it just so hard to trust them? Only to realise that there are also a couple of reasons that I'm still not letting go of Ed completely. I fear that no one would care about me anymore, I fear that I'd be all alone and that if I'm declared healthy and free from Ed, no one would actually show concern for me and bother about my health. Turns out to be attention seeking. Well, sort of. Ed made me that way. Attention especially from the people I love most. Other than that, it doesn't really bother me. But by holding on to it, I'd just be torturing the ones I love most. And its really upsetting. To do what I know is wrong and continue doing it. The quote struck me in the sense that I should change my way of thinking. If I really cared for the people that matters so much to me, I wouldn't be hurting them. Especially with the threat of Ed. I'd be sharing their burden with them instead of adding on to it. So, I'm really extremely glad that I spoke to Jolynn last night! Of all people, why her? Heh. I guess God had planned it already and yay. Awesomeeee. Thanks Jolynn sis!:) So so so much. And YSL! Remember that time you told me to tell you that I still wanted to get well, that sentence before I left? And you remember my answer don't you! I said, "I do, well @ least for now I think I do". But now, I do. I really do. Not saying that I lied to you that time but aiya you get what I mean la! And I hope to continue to want to get well forever. I really hope that one day, I'd have done something that'd show that I did something to show that I really care for them and not trying to get them to care for me. And the first thing I can actually think of was to really let go of Ed and not holding on to it. Not even a tiny bit. It'll be tough, I know. I've said it like super a lot of times already but this time I think it really struck me the hardest. From that single quote alone. Which could actually make a difference:) Hopefully. Ahhh. Maybe one day, just one day I'd really be free and be happy from the bottom of my heart, not living life aimlessly. Oh, and I watched a movie on the plane that day- lovesick. Its a romance and comedy chinese movie. The main actress, Ariel Lin(real name), was once hurt by her ex. They were really a lovely couple @ the start of the show, but then, the ex entered the music industry and got famous. His name's aaron in the show. Ariel Lin gave him support and attended all his concerts and all, only to find out that Aaron was having some sort of affair with this woman who approached him and bought him to the industry. Yes obviously AL was super upset and her life was really screwed, she was at absolute pit bottom. But one day, she decided to get over him and live once again. It was tough, the journey of trying to forget him and to guard her heart, fearing of gettting hurt again. She then joined ADW, an organisations run by 3 of her aunts. They taught her about guys, bla bla how unworthy they are and all sorts of nonsense. Only till one day, she met this guy, Bolin Chen(real name). She did stupid things in between thou she was obviously into him. Yet she was just trying to prove that he was no different from other jerks. (but that's not tha main thing I'm saying) And a friend of AL, told her that there's true love, that it exsists. She was brainwashed by the aunts so she didn't really buy it, so she asked her friend why does she say so. Her friend said something that- not meeting him now doesn't mean that he's not there, just keep believing that there is one out there. And the movie carried on.... Till one day, Bolin Chen left for Beijing with another colleague which liked him. AL went after him, yet she felt that she should let him go after hom dreams which was in BeiJing, as she did not want to be so selfish. So she told BC to go and never come back again. She was really hurt, but she faked as thou she was happy that he left her. Then, her ex, Aaron, met her. She was really mad when she saw him duh, and punched him HAhaha, Not the point. And she then said to the crew alongside Aaron that she loved BC, a lot that she really loved him. BC, on the other hand in BJ, saw the news and went back for her. And tada, happy ending la. Its really messed up so sorry x But I learnt from the movie. That being hurt once, doesnt mean that I have to fear living that same life again cause things actually change. And its a risk, but that doesn't mean that it'd change for the worse. It might change for the better if I do put in the effort:) Also taught me to be courageous, to take that step of faith even if I do not know what lies ahead. But its better than avoiding it and end up regretting why I didn't try it at that time, right? Well, it applies a lot on my recovery. :) And I do hope to be like AL in the show, (not about guys!) to have the courage to face the uncertain even though she was hurt before and also to let go of all the nonsensical stuffs she heard. And that things will eventually get better. K, I don't know if it makes any sense but I hope it did! Its tough to type it out like that haahhahas. And I'm not gonna say that I'd totally do very well in recovery tho I got really encouraged but I will continue trying. Now, to let go of Ed, completely. Doing something for myself, and for the ones I care for. It'd be tough, but worth it. :') Anyway I'll be having dinner with dad later! @ Parkway probably, before picking Mom from cell group. Gonna dine @ some restaurant apparently, dad did mention Fish&Co. So yayyyy. I'll take pictures heee. :)

Whoowhhooowhoo!

Yay I'm back home after... 11days in Taiwan! Had an awesome time there, took tons of random photos and bla. Good experience heh. K anyway I'll upload them later or something. Have to catch my sleep already! Ciao:)

Sense.

Hello blog's pretty much not updated so I'm updating it now:) Friday yesterday, so as usual went to see Tina. All was good, like I felt really good after talking to her. Cause I was pretty much venting:/ Like yeah, too much kept inside of me, so just needed a listening ear and a support who could somehow understand since she helps patients with Ed. Heh. Went to meet LJ after that. Was quite a struggle actually. For lunch. Initially, was gonna have lunch @ Subway and yes I'd already know what am I gonna order and stuff, the Ed choice. Was really having a hard time especially when SL kept telling me to get a meal. But a meal was just so hard. So ended up, ate at Food Court instead. I guess its still a better choice than subway for now:) At least had a balanced lunch. Talked and yeah I rant too. Just ugh have so much to get off my chest! But did feel a little better at least it got so things off my mind:) But night time was screwed, super screwed. Sigh. Anyway today, met up with SM! After so so long! Lunched @ Soup Spoon and walked around Vivo City, talking and stuff. Had a good time! And after that, went home. So actually, there's not much to post about for today as well. Heh. But anyway, have something I wanna talk about. I really hate society. How fucked up it is, how much emphasis it is placing on being thin and stuff. Well, I mean girls do want to be thin, but they are like promoting thinness to the extent of "bones and skin", "skeletal". And people develop Eating Disorders be it anorexia, bulimia, BED. It just cause people to have disordered eating. Honestly, it wasn't meant to be like that. What's worse is some are trying to be one. I have one, and it does suck. Having to give up so many things just to hold on to Ed, thinking about Weight loss, calculating calories, being so obsessed with food, constantly weighing yourself and all those exercising, cheating methods, lying. Man, why don't they just see how bad it will get?! Some people want to recover, yet they can't cause they've had it for way too long its like implanted in them and stuff. That makes it way harder to become normal, to get well. I guess those who have eating issues and is really obsessed with weight and stuff do know about eating disorders(whether they had it a not), people do read up on it. And what are they doing about it? I hope they tried to get Ed out of their minds before they actually get diagnosed with an ED. It's unrealistic thinness people with Ed, including myself are going after when we were so sick and attached to Ed. But at that time for me, I didn't see it. I don't think I was skeletal thin. I could still see inches of fats around me. And that made me depress. I wasn't happy at all, life was at absolute pit bottom. Those who went through knows! It makes life so meaningless you won't actually see a point in living cause it simply reflects how screwed up your life is. How bleak the future is if it continues on. Yet its so hard to let go. And being that thin, is at the expense of so many other things. Studies, family, health etc. Which was never meant to be permenant. That thinness was not meant for me, for you. It was not. Accept that fact! That'll never change. Well true, you can be so so skinny, but its only temporary cause one day you'll get so sick of Ed and whatever shit it has been putting you through, you choose life instead. And you just end up struggling to get your life back. Ultimately, you will still be at that set point, where your body weight is supposed to be at for it to function. What do you gain out of it? Perhaps just minutes of happiness. The only thing. After putting yourself through living hell, nothing's changed, other than having some health issues which might be permenant etc. And not even achieving that "perfect" body you were dreaming of. Simply because your body, my body were not meant to be skeletal skinny. We're all just God's creation. Reality's harsh. People's words hurt, comments on one's appearance/shape/size affects one's self-esteem. Which can cause Ed. Mine started partly due to that. But what can we do? We can't control their words, just have to learn to filter it out. Hard cause its already been heard, yes it is hard but I guess it all about giving that little effort to try at least. Just a bit might make a difference. Honestly, no one said it was easy. Life was not meant to be easy, much less recovering from an ED. Don't try to have one if you don't. You'll just end up regretting cos' there's hardly any joy but tons of depression and sadness. I'd say for now, I admit I'm struggling. No point hiding it. Yes in fact quite badly. But I'm still trying to prevent myself from slipping back to how I was before. Ugh. And its just tough. Baby Steps would be fine:)

If only society wasn't so fucked up. If only people didn't strive for perfection. If only people didn't see the need to live up to others' expectations. Sigh.

God help meeeee

The Hunger Games!

Watched the hunger games with mom and dad yesterday at i12 Katong! Had our lunch there as well. Heh. And I'm quite surprised that the korean cuisine actually sells brown rice as well! Healthy much huh. :) The show was good! And long. HAHAHA I can't sit down for over two hours, I have to figet here and there. Ugh. Its so uncomfortable just sitting in one position for an hour or more. Pure torture! After that, headed down to Compass Point as it was already about 5pm, so we might as well have dinner out too and yes we did. Haha, was really bored at Compass Point, there's nothing much to do there and nothing entertaining as well. Singapore is such a boring place. Probably because its just a small red dot, you just go round in circles. Can't wait to fly off soon! Yayness:) As for today, went for piano class as usual. My theory skill sucks. I swear it really does suck. Ugh, have problems with the notes. So have to memorise them. :P But overall, it was good! Mom cooked both meals today and it was really good. I love home-cooked meals, as I mentioned before!:) And today's been a good day, so was yesterday. Just tons of repeated thinking which are killing my brain cells. Oh yes, I hate sleeping at night. Keep having weird dreams here and there and it really freaks me out. Sigh. God, please let your peace be with me. I hate feeling so afraid, so uncertain. I need God, yes I know I do! Can't actually sleep well, not even for a night. How suckish. Ended up, I get so awfully tired during the day pffft. So screwed up!:(( KKK I've to go finish reading a book now baizxszx.

Every Nation Church~

Went to Nicole's church today! Every Nation Church. The pastor is pastor larry, and the sermon was good. To be hopeful and have faith. Active faith and not dead faith. Faith is really important, but I guess that not many of us can actually pass the test of faith from God. Its a really though thing as faith is believing in what is unseen. Who'd actually have the guts to do that? Well, those who have, really salute them. Ahhhh how i wish I could too. Faith as small as a mustard seed would do:) Heh. Worship was good too, all those familiar songs, were really touching and felt as it God was really near, speaking to me. So gained a lot of stuffs during sermon and learned lots of stuffs to. What's left is to apply what I learnt. Hee. And their service is held @ Gv Max! So cool, in the theatre. Hahaha, like a movie experience LOL. Had lunch @ Fig &Olive after that with Parents before heading home as this insurance agent will be coming over at 3. Now its going to be 6 and he's still here. Is there really so much to talk about? Honestly. Zomg. And hahaha, I still can't forget the silly thing I did on Tuesday! Things I did are less stupid but ohwells its crazeeee. :P Anyway probably staying home tomorrow to do some baking! Wooo cool. And yay can't wait for a week after, heading over to TW already! HOHOHO. So excited to leave SG for a while. This place.... Gah. And I failed the new challenge from the dietitian. Like I pretty much expected it. That's way tougher. Will be seeing her after I'm back so there's quite some time still. Heh. Okthat'sallbyeee:)

Tired tired!

So hey, I'm tired duh. Slept only for 4.5hours before going for appointment at sgh yesterday! Thankfully I managed to catch some sleep last night. Heh. But still wasn't that well as I kinda got woken up by weird dreams and hence woke up pretty early:( But no idea why, breakfast made me so tired again and I went back to bed! So, Mom was wondering why was I so tired... And yeah. Haha, I must admit that I have irregular sleeps! Ugh and I hate it. Now I'm on another medicine to calm me down and help me sleep better. Ohwell hopefully it works. Went out with Mom to Greenwich today to collect her coat which was sent for dry-cleaning:) Lunched there as well @ Cedele! And I paid for the meal:) The service there was good too. Well, not too bad at least. Mom's Grilled Chicken Salad was looked really good and the pulm dressing smelled really good too. I had pasta as always. Hehehe. Then, we went to Cold Storage to get groceries for tonight's dinner. :) So Mom cooked dinner. Yes obviously. K, and I'm so happy I found my favourite vanilla bun there! Like AGAIN. Awesome much! Anyway, regarding yesterday... Went to see MSW, Dietitian and Dr NG. So, all went well! Saw two Dietitians, ailing and june. The session went well and got new challenges again and also to continue the previous challenges. AHAHAHA. I don't know if I'm up to it thou, for the new ones its so insanely tough I swear. Well, at least for me. Cause I did something so stupid on Tuesday for lunch.. So yeah its way too stupid to mention I can't even believe that I actually did that. Ugh. Well, seeing MSW really helped thou! At least for my family I guess. Like we managed to understand each other and Ed better as well. How to cope with it, how to fight the voice and stuff. So yay really helpful:) As for Dr NG, just a simple review to check if there's any side effects and blah. Haha, thank God all was good!:) Have to go to SGH again tomorrow, session with Tina and DP:) So yeah. Heh. Kinda excited! Anyway going for dinner soon bye!

Music is a joy:)

Hey guys, did some baking yesterday! Pictures are up on facebook heh. I'll upload them on my blog soon. Something's wrong with my USB:( And baked cupcakes, vanilla cupcakes. With icing and choco chips and some cranberries, flintstone's funny rings. Was really interesting, especially the decoration part! Did mostly all the decorations except for like 2!:) Glad to know that those who ate it said it was good so mom and I intend to try out other cupcake recipes as well. How awesome is that! And as for today, went for piano class. And today's a healthy day! Both meals home-cooked, yum. Sometimes, I think that homecooked meals make me appreciate food more, as its cooked with love from my mom. Can see the sweat and despite feeling tired, her effort of preparing dinner for the whole family. It just makes the food taste way better than those you get outside:) Had a great time during piano today! The teacher was kinda funny today, haha... Maybe something good happened to her. Who knows! Learnt a couple of new songs, and some not learnt but have to play it to her on Friday. Have a make up class this Friday at 430pm so yeap. I had better remember that! Music takes my mind away from reality, from the stuffs that I'm struggling with, from Ed, mood swings, imperfections etc. And I like it, I like to play the piano and enjoy the sound of each note:) Good news too! I'm gonna be taking Grade2 in two weeks time. Haha, jumped Grade1! :) And I learnt for just about a month or so, so yay praise God. Imma Hairpee girl. More good news! Finally managed to get my vanilla bun from NTUC after searching for it for days! Yay so bought 4 at once, just nice one on each day before it expires. :) Things to be happy about:) Heh. Anyway have 3appointments tomorrow! Early in the morning, starting off with the Dietitian @ 9.30, MSW @ 10 and Dr NG @ 2pm. Ugh whole afternoon spent @ Life. How Life-ly. LOL. Hope all goes well quite a bit to say! Hope everyone is doing good:)

Reflect, and think.

Just viewed a friend's tumblr and surprisingly, my mood is a teeny bit better. I have no idea why so but I guessed it made me think. And reflect. Well, apparently my life's a screw up due to Ed. Most likely, it caused me to defer my studies, withdraw myself and blah. Ofcourse I admit, some positive things happened in the process too. But the atmosphere was so so tense. And now, I'm still alive and well, living. The life God gave me. But why is it just so hard? Its madly tough. Insane. What is life? I guess its how I'd picture it to be. How'd I want my life to be? And what am I doing to achieve that? Probably nothing, cos all I feel like doing is rot away. Honestly, I know its against God's will. He did not give me a life to rot. And waste. I actually have stuffs that I'd wanna do now and in the future. -Travel around the world, hang out with friends, visit museums, get a degree in forensics science first, grade1-8piano exams done, recovered from Ed, help the less fortunate, baking, give talks about Ed bla...- Yet, I am just stuck here. Doing nothing like hey then how am I ever gonna achieve all those stuffs? That'd be impossible. No one can succeed by doing nothing... I need to do something. I need to be happy, I need to live my life the way I want it to be. It can't be screwed up just like that... Ofcourse not, but why is it so hard? So hard to take that step? The first step. What happens next? Its a mystery, the future is uncertain. Just have to walk in Faith and Trust in God, He will Provide For Me. I should just stop walling in self pity (sometimes), thinking so negatively about myself and stuff. It stresses me out, a lot in fact. All brain cells died from foolish thoughts LOL. I want to be someone, a friend whom my friends would think of when they need help, support and comfort. I want to be remembered as a friend who's always there, bringing smiles on others faces instead of sadness. I don't want to worry others, and I want to be me. What's so bad about being myself? But now I don't even know who I am anymore... ): Ughhhh. All I want is to be perfect. I want perfection I want to see perfection in me. Logically, its impossible cos no one is perfect and no one can ever be. What's so good about being perfect? How will that make me happy? Maybe not, not at all. I will just be wearing a mask and hiding the real me to live up to the expections of man, society. Does size actually matters? Will people remember me based on my sized? Whether am I anorexic skinny or obesely fat? Nah, they won't. Logical. But the world puts so much emphasis on the being "skinny", "skinny is perfect" and stuff, more and more girls are heading on to the destructive route. All just wanting to be perfect, overachievers. Need to THINK LOGICALLY. I have to stop condemning myself, it doesn't help at all. In fact just makes things worse, makes me feel worse. Spiritually, emotionally, mentally, physically. No point as LJ said, so trueee. I want to be happy, I truly want so. I don't want to live the life that I'm living now, it's not fulfilling. I want to do something, I want to change something, someone. I want to be the person who can make things better thou it seems so hard. ughhhhhh:( I want to influence and inspire people in a positive way! So I have to be positive myself:) How can I help others when I can't help myself? C'mon Weilin, buck up. Change. Make changes, for the better:) My thoughts really do have to change, in all sorts of forms. Seriously... Its the most ridiculous thinking one could actually have ahhaha. K, its quite messed up, so yeahh. Whooops. Anyway I'm glad Tina'll be helping me on my self-esteem yay.





If you read, thanks for reading:)