It never seems to end

I had a horrible Ed attack yesterday. It was so bad:( Apparently, i was like craving some sort of foods i liked and all, but suddenly i felt so shameless. Like how could i even be craving anything when i'm so fat. And i really can't stop comparing myself with others.. It's so tough that's why I'd stay home the whole day. I really honestly don't know what have i done to end up in the state to end up in this size. It feels awful.. And i missed my anorexic size. I don't know why, i know i looked like a walking skeleton or zombie whatever you call it but its just constantly in my brain. Those images. And even till now i do not dare to pack my clothes, i can't bear to do so. I don't know to know that i can't fit into them anymore. My god this is so depressing. And yes, yesterday obviously i cried, till my eyes were swollen this morning. And worse, i scratched myself. By self harming tho not so bad so no scars, but if the doctor knows, i'd be admitted i think. Otherwise my medicine dosage is going to increase:( Mom cried too, i feel so guilty cause i caused it. Without my presence things might get a little better? And talking about it, I don't think i should tell anyone my innermost thoughts. Its useless. I only make people cry and worry for me. So useless lah me. Was so tempted to OD with paracetemol last night. Got a whole pack of them when i went to A&E the other time for the fall. OHGOD. Skip that... So today morning started off well i guess. I had a huge bowl of muah chee mom made:) A HUGE BOWL. Really huge!! And damn filling so had late lunch. And had spaghetti. But i guess it was another Ed attack again. Apparently i went to drink down a cup of water before my meal. So duh i'd definitely feel full eating less.. Mom has kind of said that i am slipping back.. Like especially from the way i talk, she said its the same as what i've been saying before i got stuck to anorexia. So yeah. But i don't think so? Or maybe I do but i just don't admit. UGH anyway today I'm staying @ home the whole day too. Not going out anymore with Shu Qi, not in the mood to since last night. It's always like this, I tend to cancel my dates the night before or on the day itself. Its totally Ed for that cause it screws my mood :X sigh, it's like a never-ending cycle which keeps repeating. Anyway Mom has to go Amore later @ Kovan and i don't know if i should go with her. Mmmmm. Will see how it goes i guess LOL. Or maybe i'll just stay at home cause i have nothing to do there? But i kind of want to do my nails -__- I think i am nuts... Ok thinking about it now, i do think that there is a teeny weeny bit of signs of anorexia taking control again. Like i don't know why, i went to google for diet stuffs and thinspiration xx I DON"T KNOW WHY. I know its wrong, but i continued scrolling down. Argh. Please don't go view them if you're trying to recover from this eating disorder k. Its triggering really. It'll just bring back all your skinny images... But really really really i can afford to lose weight now and i really want to oh my god i am so depressed i hate how i am looking now ugh. Can i end my life? Can someone stab me something or anything? I don't seem to have a hold on what i am thinking. Ugh shit fuck. I can't carry on.