Its over. I can't carry on.

Went to the hospital today and dangggg. Almost got admitted:X cause of my mood. Even the dietitian wants me to be admitted, she even decided for me to get admitted. But anyway mom told this male doc that i don't want to get admitted so yeah,no admission:) Awesome. But i think most probably i will get admitted next thurs by dr ng:( omg my life sucks. i just think it sucks. My self esteem has never been so low in my life before even at my sickest, my self esteem and self worth is higher than now. I totally hate myself now. I can't wait to slit off every inch of fat or skin whatever that is. UGH. I am paranoid. I think everyone hates me. I am a lonely human that deserves to go and die. Ok now i really honestly don't know what to do. I'm so so jealous of so many people. OMH WHYYY. You may think I'm nuts and i tell you, i think i am too. I just hate this shit. I don't want to carry on with fighting ed anymore, i can't stand it. The more i fight it, the more i hate myself. Even my already high medication has increased. Now its really high. Mygod... :( I am screwed, so screwed. After today's buffet, it kind of marks the stop to my recovery. Maybe till i find back a reason and purpose to live a fruitful life. SIGH it totally means nothing to me. I don't understand why is this so. I'm different from others. They have a good life, they're happy, they're pretty, smart, slim, loved and etc. But for me, gah. I think everyone is laughing at me for becoming so fat xx Life is just so unfair. Accept the fact lolol. Tomorrow, yes tomorrow it's starting. I'm a heartless cold bitch i don't care won't care about others feelings. Everyone is lying. No one can be trusted.. I am just left on my own devices pathetically..