Motivations & Reasons.

Hello! Nothing to do, so yeap, some pictures here. Hopefully it motivates you guys:) And I'll also be posting the reasons on why I want to recover. Still undiscovering some of them. But maybe won't post all of them? Haha, will see how:) Oh and I had a packet of Orchard Blend Dried Fruits for snack @ 3pm cause just had a simple lunch. Hehe hungry. And now, still hungry:( Will have super early dinner @ 5pm! And Mom helped me trim my fringe. Yay thanks Mommy! But don't know what should I have for dinner. Mhm. And my water retention is so bad, eso after the buffet! But I don't regret going for the buffet though! Hehehe. Water retention sucks! Eeks I totally hate it. Gag guess yesterday's dinner is too high in sodium! Ops. Will be home alone tonight!!! Love it. And surprisingly, I haven't continued watching the korean drama! Instead, I helped out with housework. I vacuumed and mopped the house. Nice to sweat it out:) And decorated my "Journey to Recovery" Motivational Board too! With stickers of food LOL. It's so cute, hahaha.

Ok, so here.
Reasons why I want to recover:
-Being able to eat whatever I want without feelings of guilt and regret
-Loving the way I look
-Not preoccupied with food, calories etc
-Need not stick to foods I deem safe
-Being truly happy
-Finding my old self back, the real me
-Accepting myself for who I am
-Getting a life, Without Ed
-Being able to have meals with friends
-No longer bothered about my weight
-Developing just a LOVE relationship with food
-Having my menses back
-Being able to exercise to stay healthy
-Won't be a worry to friends & family
-So that I can help other anorexics
-No longer under the control of Ed
-No longer counting calories
-No need to keep a food diary
-Eating as and when I want to
-No need to restrict to want to lose weight
-Be a living testimony to glorify God
-Won't be ashamed of myself
-Feelings of anxiety,depression GONE
-Loving my body
-Feeling good in my own skin
-Getting my health back on track
-Hopefully can improve my osteoporosis
-Having high metabolism!
And more! But up till here:)

Some pictures to share!:)











Love yourself for who you are! God loves you and I love you too.
Enjoy life, Enjoy food!

xoxo

Welcome the day:)

Morning to all! The sun is bright today. Seems like a great start! I woke up early today. Exactly @ 9am! WHOO cool. But actually not. Gag. Okay, my day started off with a hearty breakfast again! Awesome, no restriction. Teehee. Here's what I had, Koko Crunch, milk, 4Mcvities and 3 Cranberry Nougats! But honestly, it's not really filling. Maybe something else later:) My tummy! Still popping out from yesterday's dinner. Omg like a baby inside, Hahahahaha. Sounds wrong:/ I will be watching my Korean Drama again! It's really nice and uhm somehow somehow addictive that I can't stop watching. Apparently, its this case. No shows ever got my hooked, dont't know why this one has the power. Haa. I feel like doing so much! But I am so lazy to do them:( Need to stop procrasting. Ok deal. And lunch and dinner... Settle on my own cause Mom has to go to church for a "mama" course and no one will be home. Was thinking of heading down to NEX so I can settle my dinner there and read some books in the library:) I was wanting to find a really good book that have different recipes to make smoothies. Easy steps and gorgeous looking and deliciously tasty! Been to different bookstores, but nah. Found none. Maybe cause I am too fussy! But again, it I ate out, there will be a challenge. What food will I order? Will I cheat? Will I finish the portion? Gag.

Love love my sweeet! So nice, it used to be one of my favourite sweet heehee:) k, nothing exciting happened since I woke up, so will update again later!

Pariss International Buffet Seafood Restaurant!

Just came back from a buffet. Omg so full now, my tummy is protruding out so big now! Gosh, never so big. Hahaha but I am so satisfied with the meal:) Mom and I went to Suntec City at around 4pm! We walked around Suntec and was deciding on what to have for dinner while waiting for dad to come. But we couldn't decide on which restaurant to go! So we continued walking and walking since I didn't want to have dinner at the Food court. Suddenly I had a craving for Pariss International Seafood Buffet! Hehehe. Don't know why, but my body was craving for it I guess? So my mind signalled me ahhaha. So, when dad came, I asked if he was okay with dining there and he agreed almost instantly! YAY love love my parents:) They said as long as I want to eat, they will bring me there. Awww :')
We then walked to Marina Square cause the buffet is there. Paid money first, $143++ then went to try the foods! Yuumm the appearance of the foods is so tantalizing. Whoo. It was an exact 2 hours of eating, NON-STOP. Didn't manage to try all the food though, such a pity! Cause there was so much variety that I can't squeeze them all into my stomach! Hahaha. First time trying Fresh Mussels and it tasted goood. And first time eating beef steak as well:) usually only order sirloin steak, so its good to try something new. Though I didn't try all of the dishes and soups, but I tried most of the dessert! Except 4 I think. HAHAHA. I have a sweet tooth, that's why! Ok, done talking. Let the pictures do the talking now! Oh, and mum got me a pack of Florida Natural's Blueberry Fruit Nugget sweet and NutriSoy! Gonna drink that though I am still full. Feeling thirstyyyyy:(

K, PICTURES!

Choco Lava Cake


Choco Lava Cake with the Melted Choco oozing out!
-Ops pic upside down-












Beef Steak


Kailan with Mushrooms & Hong Kong Steamed Fish


Egg Mayo Toast, Tuna Toast & Sour Plum Juice


Shark Fin Soup with Crab Meat


Char Siew Bao, Ebiko Fishball, Chicken Siew Mai, Prawn Dumpling & Steamed Dumpling


Cheese Scallop


Chicken Satay


Thai style Fish Cakes, Sotong Balls,Cajun Chicken Wing &Chilli Crab(at the back:))


Durian Puff


Fresh Mussels! (first time trying)


Breaded Scallop, Pizza, Spring Roll, Garlic Bread


Fried Golden Buns & Ebi Tempura


Chilli Bamboo Clams

Let today be a good day:)

Morning sushines! Yeap, let today be a good day. And that means no restricting, and having good proper meals today. Sounds like a good idea to me! Let it apply to your lives too ok? So, let's talk about yesterday! Day started off with a bowl of hearty cereal, milk and 2 Mcvities biscuits! Love love Mcvities esp when dipped in milk. Hehe. Not long after, I was tempted to have more, so I had 2 nore Mcvities and a Crunchie Chocolate Bar which my sister got for me 2days back:) Nice oh how I missed it. Hehe though it gets sticky and the caramel sticks to my teeth, but nevertheless it's still one of my favourite chocolate bars. I love the "crunch" sounds, it makes it all the more delicious! And it was only when I started recovery that I realised I am a chocolate lover! Well, basically when I was restricting, I didn't allow myself to any those treats so it's been hidden and buried. Maybe more will be discovered during my recovery phase! Sounds like some treasure hunting. OH and I had sweet and sour fish for dinner! One of my fav food. Yum. Used to be my fear food alongside with sweet and sour pork. But hey now they are no longer my fear foods! Its like once I started trying, I realised how much I missed them and I never want them to be termed "unsafe" foods anymore. :)) But struggled a lil yesterday as I was contemplating whether I should have my fav Tau sar piah for supper! But good news is here! I went to have 5 of them and with no regrets went to bed:) It's another accomplishment done, another note to be pinned onto my board:) Gorgeous. Will be having lunch at home today. And yes there's a challenge: I am going to get my lunch on my own, which means the temptation to cheat is oh-so big. Esp when there is bread at home, and I can just prepare one sandwich. Gag. :( Hmm, maybe I should be firm on what I wanna eat first, then just go buy it without thinking and head home straight! GOOD IDEA~ Maybe I should get... Fried bee hoon if they sell. If they don't, second alternative would be... Fried rice! Okay. good. set. this. is. it. Either. this. or. That.
Oh and will be heading out for dinner with mom after the insurance lady leave at idk what time all I know is she'll be coming after 2.30pm. We haven't decided on where to go yet! Hahaha. Will update once I'm home at night! With pictures too!:)
And before I forget, when I was reading "Life without limits", some quotes strucked me. Will share it with you guys if you happen to see:)

"You' can't control what happens to you. There are some occurences in life that are not your fault or within your power to stop. The choice is either to give up or to keep on striving for a better life."

"Everything happens for a reason and in the end good will come of it"

"You will face moments of doubt and fear. Feeling down is natural, its a part of being perfectly human. Such feelings pose as a danger only if you allow negative thoughts to stick around instead of letting them wash over you"

"-The if I just had X, I would be happy- syndrome is a mass delusion. When you look for happiness in mere objects, they are never enough.
Look around. Look within."

"God does not make mistakes, but he does make miracles. I am one. You are too."

Hope this Quotes will be helpful to many of you:)

No excuses please!

Went to Kallang Leisure Park again to have meals. Haha but since I already had breakfast, I had froyo w cran and straw berries instead. Yumm it was fan-ta-bu-lous! Love love love it. Hehe. Then we went to church. But not long after, my stomach was growling. Darn it. And no food. So I drank water till I wanna vomit. Eeks! Ok, so.. We headed to Plaza Sing after that and dined at Pastamania! Well the Prawns risotto was good. Know why I didn't include "mussels"? Cause I didn't eat them! Hahaha gave them to dad. And tried a spoon of Mom's mushroom baked rice, was good too:) Mom said I am restricting again. Gag. Then we bought tickets to watch Tower Heist. OMG it was hilarious. Go watch it:) ANDANDAND i was so sleepy. Been yawning since morning! ): sleep deprived? Hahaha so impossible! And after the show we went home. Got takeways and I ordered Seafood Mui fan, extra rice ok! And helped Mom ate some of her Hor Fun. She's full from all the popcorn. Ahhaha. And I snacked on Nougats and some peanut stuff. Pretty full now. HeHeHe. No plans for tomorrow, boring day again. Watching another korean drama, at least it helps to kill time. GREAT. Oh and I am so constipated again. Damn. Always liddat when I restrict during the day!!! k, update again tomorrow? BYE.
EAT MORE RECOVERING ONES!:)


Prawn and mussels risotto


A look of how my lunch should look like


Garlic Bread & Mushroom soup

Over-dued!

Pictures first!

Ala-carte; Fried White Fish


Mom's Cha Sho Ramen


Mabo Tofu Ramen @ Ajisen; yesterday's lunch


Chicken Tikka wrap @ Soup Spoon

Had the wrap with pumpkin soup too, but forgotten to take a photo of that. Sorry guys!

confused.

I don't know am I overeating anot:/ I hope not! Do people recovering from anorexia eat alot? I think most of us do. Haha.
Today, went out with mum to Tampines, Century Square to have lunch and get thumb drive. So, initially wanted to have Indonesian BBQ Grill for lunch. But thought about it for a super long period of time and decided that I didn't want to eat at the foodcourt @ TM already. P.S. I ain't always so indecisive ok!
Yeap, so we went to Ajisen Ramen to have ramen for lunch. Hehe.
I ordered Mabo Tofu Ramen which was said to be mild spicy, but it wasn't spicy at all-.- Filling though. Mum ordered Cha sho ramen and the cha sho was so nice! Omg I will definitely order that the next time hehe. And we shared a ala carte, fried white fish. Yumm. There was Mayo mixed with the chilli, and I ate the mayo. Omg so happy. And best of all, after having like 2 huge breakfasts and being not hungry at all, I actually DID NOT RESTRICT for lunchie:) PROUD.
Shopped around and we went to try some Japanese nuts at Level 1. OMG THOSE NUTS WERE INSANELY YUMMY. Go grab them soon! 3 small packets for $18! Mom and I got 3 packets. Hehe. Maybe will have them as snacks on Monday:) And bought Japanese Sponge cake too. Damn nice. No wonder my sis could just munch on 20 of them, Hahaha, I had 6 and 4 for mom:)
Went to granny's place after that, was so hyped up after all the sugars etc that I didn't sleep! Talked to aunts w Mom and it was such a nice talk. Hilarious. Couldn't stop laughing ahhaha. And dad came, so we had dinner with the rest there. Granny whipped up her famous scrambled egg and we were all snatching for it, esp my sis and I. Teehee. The other dishes were pig trotters (first time eating em', nice), broccoli and soup. My rice was more than a bowl! YAY everyone was glad I finished. Sat for a while and headed home. Now, still not tired at all:/ Hopefully I can fall asleep later. PLEASE GOD.

And I seriously need to plan a meal plan so that I don't end up overeating. Because it feels like I am. :(

fml.

I feel like crap. oh fuck. I want to isolate myself from other people.
I feel so uncomfortable in my own skin.
I am eating too much,
Ok. I am going to sleep everything away.
Life sucks,
Living is such a chore.
FML.

Oh. And maybe I should stop telling others about my stuffs so I don't bother them.
Again, FML.

Inferior.

I feel inferior.

End.

Bad.

Today is a bad day. Didn't start off good either. Bad. Bad. Bad. Other than one D24 Durian Taiyaki, EVERYTHING else was safe. Yoguru is also considered safe, isn't it? Breakfast, Lunch, Dinner, Supper all safe. And just lots of fruits. And fruits, ARE DARN SAFE. Maybe even the safest foods on Earth though it has calories. But so what? Fruits even help to lose weight. See, Bad. Bad. Bad. Day. Dietitian appointment again. Gag. Don't feel like going:( Will be heading down to Vivo with mom to catch a movie:) Wanna watch in time:)) hopefully.
And, for tomorrow's unsafe snack: small popcorn with iced tea/ hot milo(since i have sore throat). POPCORN GAG. Haven't had them since sec2, long huh. Ok. And apparently, I stocked up the house with safe foods. Some perharps supersafe. Like alpen bars, low calorie dried fruit crips, yogurt, oats, raisin oat cookies.

Now even 100calories seem to be alot. I don't even grab a snack or what even when I get hungry after meals. I don't know what's wrong. I just hate the after effects of binging. And maybe it all feels like a binge.

Kthxbai.

Looking back.

All of a sudden, while looking at faebook...
I miss those times in the ward.
I miss being thin and anorexic.
I want to be thin again.
I miss being forced to eat.
I miss losing weight.
I miss having control.
I miss restricting.
I miss wearing small sized clothes.
I miss my bone.

I miss them all.

OMG. I can't believe I just typed all this.
Darn.

This isn't what weilin wants.

This is what Ed wants.
This is Ed.

What should I do now?
Eat to get rid of it? Gag.

Planned worked!

Afternoonnnn!:)

Woke up pretty late today, around 10+am. Or maybe not so late, but not early enough to have 2meals before lunch, haha. Breakfast started with 3Raisin Oat biscuits and a pear. Love love love pears, crunchyly yummy. And continued watching IRIS, finished the whole show already. So yeah, nothing to do now. Gag. Headed down to get Wanton Noodles soup for lunch! Been so long since I had them. But cheated a little. Haha, came home to eat and went out again after Mom came back. Accompanied her to DBS Bank and went to buy some bakery breads and coconut tarts for her and sis. Well, none for me. Haha. And we went to Prima Deli, to get my snack, Durian Puffs and Grap Snow Ice from CupWalker. Been a year since I drank that! 2nd time drinking it in my entire lifetime. ahaha. Fluid is really filling, which makes me so bloated. That's one reason why I'm pretty against it and would rather eat. Durian puffs were nice! Brought back the taste of Durian!:) so glad that the plan for Day 1 worked out so well. yay.

Just randomly picked another piece of paper for snack tomorrow, and Mom unrolled it! *NERVOUS*
GUESS WHAT?!
It was a Vanilla Cream Puff from Beard Papa's and Yoguru. Haha, will have them with Mom so she can supervise:) In case I cheat, hehe.

Tonight Parents will be going to Fullerton Hotel for dinner and all, so I'll be having dinner on my own since my sister will be home at around 8+pm. Haha have the whole house to myself! Good or Bad? Mhmm. Mom will be preparing Aglio Olio with wholemeal spaghetti and Olive oil for dinner. She's also adding stuffs like sliced fish which is fried(little scared but its so nice), mushroom luncheon ham(one of my fav), button mushroom and chilli padi!(my love) Hahaha! And got my Raisin Oat biscuits again yay though they didn't have the TIGER ones:( sucha pity. So yeap, supper will be Raisin Oat biscuits and Mango Yogurt I suppose. Better have it before it expires LOL.

Quotes #1

"Determination will get you through this" :)

Bad day turned good

Today's meal didn't start off well. Restricted more than yesterday and yeah baby I know that if I don't break the cycle of restricting, I definitely will restrict much worse tomorrow. Breakfast started off not-so-good. Cos yeah, restricted. Then lunch, restricted again. And only had some biscuits in between. Gag. Thankfully Mom got me to go get somemore food cause I was losing weight on the scale and on the appearance. Even sister said so! I can't deny it any further, can I? Though it doesn't feel like I lost any. LOL. Actually before heading downstairs to grab those snacks, already planned out with mom what to get. But when I reached, I only got Mom's share! My heart was seriously thumping so loudly oh god and I was so anxious, maybe anxiety attack again ._. OMG thank God ttm that SuLynn answered her phone and I managed to get those stuffs though it was different from what was planned, but still about the same. Like got the substitutes for the ones I didn't want:) yay. Thanks sweetie:) And yeap, finished them all! Awesome. Ed was so dominant, and got worse again when i started restricting gag hate Ed. And Ed wanted Mom to cook Aglio Olio cause it was a safer choice, much much safer than outside food, probably no extra portions and definitely much lower in calories! Hey hey Ed was oh-so wrong! I went against it. So now, Mom isn't cooking this safe choice anymore! Dad will be buying back my food for me hehe love love it. Bet I will be enjoying dinner tonight even if my stomach is gonna burst ahhaha. At least I didn't let Ed get its way at the end of the day. Yay. Today's a really boring day. Finishing the IRIS show already. zomg so interesting! And was just doing cross-stitch. Quite time consuming though, a good way to kill time. But strain the eyes too. Supper oh supper, idk how will it go:( will i skip it again? Mhmmm. Really hope one day I will be able to eat whatever I want without thinking. Now trying to cut down the frequency of me typing out what I eat, hopefully it helps me to stop thinking and reflecting on what I eat in case it makes me regret. And tomorrow starting on my plan with Sulynn! Girl, better remember! :) Ok, that's for all. Oh and people, those anorexics, go challenge yourself to at least a unsafe food or meal daily ok! And sooner, I believe Ed will fuck off! That's all what we want, work hard:)

xoxo

An extra snack, or not?

Woke up for church today, but went to sleep again after showering. Been feeling tired lately, not sure why too. k, something random now: my stomach growling:( Had 6TIGER biscuits, then went out with parents to Kallang Leisure Park to have mid-morning snack+lunch. Ordered Korean Minced Meat Noodle, it was salty:( Not as nice as expected. Haha. Wasn't really full, so went to Swiss Bake to get their "Original Bircher Muesli". Was nice, they had oats, mixed berries, apple, pear etc. But all diced ones. Just a small cup:) Love love love worship today, was so good! And sermon was good too! One thing the pastor said that was really useful for my situation right now, "Don't let your past hinder you from your future. God has a beautiful plan for you. Be positive." It was really helpful and Encouraging! Dad drove us to Nex after that whreby they had their late lunch which wasn't really a lunch cause they shared popiah, xiao long bao and fried white carrot cake. Gag. And I had my afternoon snack from Yoguru. Love frozen yogurt. Totally in love with yogurt with muesli/ tiger biscuits now! Aww. Bought lots of stuff from NTUC as well as Mom will be preparing lunch and dinner! Then blah blah, came home. Going to Heartland Mall with Mom later to buy dinner again! for sist and I since we aren't joining parents and the rest for dinner at Long Beach. Not prepared for that, so yeah. Skipping the dinner.
Oh btw, came up with a really good plan to motivate myself and challenge myself to "unsafe" foods. I'll write out 100 motivations+unsafe foods,high calories foods, bigger portions as well aon a piece of paper and roll it up, keep it in a bottle. Every morning, I will unroll one and see what it says! And if it's a motivation, hopefully it will encourage me throughout the day. And if it's food, I MUST HAVE IT. It can be either a snack or meal, or I can have it as a dessert too! Then that's more challenging since its extra. And yes, bigger portions means bigger portions! Hope it works. Mom is pretty unhappy cause she says that I am restricting and that I already lost weight since Thurs. But I don't think so? k, but since she said so, I should believe that I really did cut down on quite a bit. Like today, I admit from morning till like now, I ate pretty little compared to before.
B- 6TIGER biscuits
S+L- Original Bircher Muesli, Korean minced meat noodle
S- Yoguru
D- Not sure yet. (Thinking of getting a snack tgt w dinner if mom wants me to)
S-Yogurt with 3TIGER biscuits(If I have anth snack w dinner) But pretty scared. Guess its Ed again. Dang.

Isit really little? PLEASE TELL ME! Cause idk why but I been losing interest to eat all the foods again. Like I find it quite troublesome to eat and I don't mind not eating at all and go hungry:/ NEED HELP. RED ALERT LOL.

PICTURES OF LUNCH AND NOON SNACK


Korean Minced Meat Noodle


Original Regular Cup with Granola toppings

I'm not doing too good I guess

Yesterday, went out with Mom to Vivocity! Had a great time there, we shopped, went to GIANT and all. Trained there and reached around 11plus am. Was a lil hungry already since I didn't had mid-morning snack and only had Oats and 1pack Raisin Oats Biscuits for breakfast. So, we walked around and all, and couldn't decide on what to eat! Ended up @ Food Republic and was famished when i got my food! Ordered Brown Rice with Basil Chicken and Fried Egg from Thunder Tea. :) Was good actually! And the portion was huge. The lady scooped 3 scoops of rice! But I finished all, feeling pretty full but satisfied:) yay. Talked so much to Mom yay love love love sharing with mom, she's great:) Like an hour or so later, there's not much to do so we decided to get some snacks. Haha. Went to some Food Paradise Shop and got a slice of fruit cake/tart each. Nice! Wanted to go try Cedele's Carrot Cake but apparently it was closed down. k that's such a pity sigh. After that Dad came to fetch us home! But I encountered something bad though, like due to Ed. Was out alone to get dinner for my sis and I, but I ended up only getting her dinner and went home. Ed was so strong. Wanted to skip dinner too, as I won't share my sister's dinner with her! But some voice in my head said that I shouldn't be doing this, and so I decided to call my Mom. Luckily Mom answered the phone and told me to get pork chop fried rice or smth if not she would rush home from cell:/ so yes thank God I listened and bought that. In a way defeated Ed, but also realised that though sometimes I don't hear it talk to me, but it actually is still here. ): Well, some pictures! Have fun looking:) Oh and everyone, GO BUY TIGER BISCUITS! They are delicious yum:) Had 5 of that and a fruit for supper. Really, go try them if you haven't had them before!


Nutty Caramel Cake; Mine


Mom's Mixed Fruit Cake Tart


Brown Rice with Basil Chicken, Fried Egg

God, Family & Friends are essential

Hi! Today was a good day:) Everything started off well. I felt good in my own skin today, and still felt a little skinny! zomg unbelievable! Never have I felt this way for years holy mama! Went to SGH and saw Tina today, and we had fun! It was filled with joy and laughter, and we were thinking about ways to combat Ed. Not temporarily but permanently! She got me to get a board and write down all my accomplishments of how i defeated Ed! Thought of pinning down motivations daily to encouurage myself from the start of the way, hehe:) Breakfast was great, made by mom aww. OH. Thanks people like liting, jieying, nicole and my sister for helping me through my challenge of the day! Thus, ended up getting McGrill set UPSIZED for lunch, and finished EVERYTHING. Proud :) Dinner was gorgeous too, mom cooked again. Healthy Hearty Dinner:) Thank God for today, had a great day! OH. And promised Nicole to go to her church next sun!:) yay. Tomorrow heading out w mom to someplace to have lunch! Wanna challenge myself to have my snack and dinner on my own. So might have some alone time tomorrow:) Pretty awesome I think, hahaa.

Some Pictures of Home-Cooked dinner!


Stir- Fry Brocolli with Mushrooms


Sweet & Sour Fish with diced apple


End Product!

I know God is walking me through

Hello! Well, I am feeling so much better now. After the visit to the doctor. All of a sudden, i realised that she's a really good doctor. ahhaha. Hope things will continue being as good and will get even better. God is really with me, I know. I can totally feel it. He sent angels down to speak to me. He gave me support from the people around me, esp those recovering from anorexia as well, who can totally relate to how I feel. People like sheryl, sulynn, jieying, nicole friets etc. Really thank God. He's really spoke to me, esp today through people i met and messages:) Thank you Heavenly Father. OH. And the Doctor was so glad with my progress, and told me not to give up either. Was sent for blood test and ECG again, my heart rate rose by so much! And it's fine. Was also referred to see neurologist next year too cos that's the earliest appointment. Didn't know that it was so busy over there! Well, I admit i restricted during the day, even noon snack. But I ate a proper meal for dinner and supper! Yay. And Dr Ng said that I still cannot exercise, not at all because I don't have my menses back and because I have osteoporosis. Have to get menses back first for continuous 3months and maintain weight above mhw for 6months. So tough): and still have to eat hahaaa. She even told me to get new clothes! Tomorrow going for appointment at SGH again, but with psychologist Tina. Didn't do the meal plan and don't intend to do it cause I find it so restricting. Well will let her know tomorrow then:) And Ed is so dominating part of my life, sigh. Cause something happened so yeah. I hope Ed will get out of my life as soon as possible! Met Aunty Yvonne and she said I looked so much better now! yay. I should be glad and not relate that to being fat cause I AM NOT. Hahas. IDK WHY BUT I AM STILL SOMEWHAT HUNGRY AFTER SUPPER! OHSHIT. Headed to tampines mall after appointment and dined at Jack's Place. WHOO LOVE LOVE THERE. Supper was gorgeously yum too! Had nonya dumpling, ahhaha same as JieYing:) OK BYEBYEBYE. Having a Hearty Healthy Breakfast tomorrow! OH! And THANKYOU MOMMY for accompanying me and tolerating my nonsense when Ed is using my mouth to speak to you. Iloveyou:)


Jack's Special Steak, Medium Cooked (Mine)


Jack's Fried Rice (Mom's)


Infusion Iced Fruits Tea


Garlic Bread

ITS DAMN YUMMY. DON'T BE JEALOUS.

Depressed.

I'm so ashamed of myself, of my body. It's HUGE FAT DISGUSTING. I'm very weak,I can't even defeat Ed. It's so strong, its too over powering. I'll vanish into thin air before i know it. No one will be desperate to get me to eat anymore. No one will care. I don't look like an anorexic anymore, too fat to be called one. so shamful. I'm consuming too much food. Going to restrict again at least till my water retention subside so i don't feel so fat. I can't accept how look now with water retention. And I will eat healthily. Throwing away all the pop tarts later on. No junks, no bakery breads, no chocolate, sweet drinks(other than fruit juice and yogurt drink). Got myself yogurt drinks that will be a beverage for meals.
What's planned for tomorrow; B-cooked oats with banana, S-yogurt+(fruit if its not filling),L-Foccacia bread w Ham&Egg+yogurt drink, S-yogurt & museli from O'Briens, D- something soupy, S-a sunshine raisin bun. Still looks like alot, 6meals. But at least there's no junk. Things are getting Bad.

P.S. sorry if this triggers anyone, I need to rant. Depressed.

Hang in there

A new day, a new hope.

Today I woke up @ 9.45am or so. Super tired, having flu now. Badddd. So, washed up and had breakfast at about 10am. Pretty late compared to my usual 8am Brekkie. 10am was supposed to be mid-morning snack actually LOL. But hey, I didn't skip snack! Whee good job done ey. Had a packet of Instand Apple Cinnamonn Cereal with 6Raisin biscuits. (B+S together). Continued watching IRIS, till 11.40am and headed to the market to get lunch. Same as yesterday, only different ingredients! This time was fishcakes and nuggets! God, can't remember when was the last time I had nuggets! With more chilli of course! :) Having my break @ 3pm! Not much food to eat though, cause Mom said i shouldn't eat too much oats biscuits and all, its too dry and can cause constipation. Maybe that's why i am so constipated x.x Maybe will go to Cold Storage later with Mum and get some new snacks. Any idea what would be good? Comment please! Having Appointment @ SGH tomorrow with Dr Ng KH, have so many questions to ask her. Hehheh. Alright, will post again later. Watching my show again :)

Everything happens for a reason

Today afternoon was a really bad day. Ed striked, so much stronger than before ever since i started recovery, leaving me to cry on my own. Thank God for Yeoh SuLynn, really. she's the bestest friend i could ever ask for. Really a blessing to know her, and embark on this recovery journey together yay love her!
OKAY so here's a part of the conclusion: DON'T weigh yourself when you're recovering, ESP if you have water retention (like me) its really depressing. A comfort to myself: "the rapid massive weight gain from refeeding is only temporary "water weight" which will be flushed out of the body) Next, DO continue eating throughout the day. It's better as compared to eating only when you're hungry. It gives Ed a chance to strike. Heres what happened; I took my weight, saw the scale and cried! zomg, it was horrible, couldn't accept it. and soon, talked to sulynn on the phone. She talked, listened and vice versa! Felt so much better after talking to her. Then, she asked me "When was the last time you ate?" and i said "10.40am". AND... PIAK! Knew it. Cos i didn't had lunch and afternoon snack, Ed attacked me cause i wasn't thinking about anything. Now, it really emphasized to me that Food is essential to fight Ed no matter how I feel physically. Ed is really an evil demon, satan. Breaking relationships among people and God. But I'm thankful that God is with me, and since he allowed me to go through this phase of life, he will lead me.
"God will make a way, When there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see, but he will make a way for me
He will be my guide, hold me closely to His side
With Love and Strength for Each New Day,
He will make a way
He will make a way"

I'm still vulnerable to attacks from Ed, Hope i will get stronger day by day!
OH! Before I forget, will try not to focus everything on my weight, but will recover in terms of Health, NOT Weight. Giving it a try :) and with the return of menses! Then i'll be much healthier.
Oh and nevertheless, I had late lunch and snack together! Had Raisin Cream cheese bread, tau sar piah and mochi! YEAP, ordered Pork Chop Fried Rice again hehe but tomorrow will try something else. Home-cooked Dinner tonight! Dead full!

Pictures Of Mom's Cooking:

Sauce with Garlic


Scrambled Eggs fried with Olive Oil


Roasted Pork


Apple and Pear Soup


Roasted Pork Braised in the Sauce


Stir-fry Spinach with Fishcake


END PRODUCT! :) YUM.

Weight gain is all its takes to slip back

I just took my weight. Horrid. Apparently i gained 13kg in about 3 weeks. That's nuts. I think Mom thinks that I look like a 44.4kg too. From a "you look like 34-35kg at most" this was said just last tues, and today "you look like a 38kg" OHFUCKFUCKFUCK. I can't even stretch out my legs closely together without the thighs touching. Everything became tigher within a few days. I can't think logically now. No one seems to put on as much weight as me, so for only one reason, I OVERATE. I EAT TOO MUCH. SWEET STUFFS, FRIED, MAYBE TOO MANY MEALS EVEN. I cannot eat. Get why i relate everything to fat? Its the 4th time this is happening, when i eat normally for a period of time, gained weight, become fatter. How can i not think that way? I'm so disgusted with myself. I dare not go to shopping malls looking likethat either. I want to OD and not think about anything. I want to lose my memory. Mom is now fine with me eating soupy stuffs already, and when i told her my weight just now, she said that now i just have to maintain it and eat lesser, that i dont have to eat so much already. BUT RIGHT NOW I DONT EVEN THINK I CAN AFFORD EVEN A ONE CALOORIE FOOD. Her response was so different. I can't stop the tears... My water retention wasn't as bad as when i first started. But now my weight gain is even more than when i started eating. Sounds unrealistic? But that's how it is. I thought when anorexics start eating again, their metabolism will skyrocket and all, causing slower weight gain or even weight lost. I actually did lose weight, but put them back on and even more now. WTF.

Bloated-ness sucksbigtime

I'm feeling so awful now physically. my tummy is bloating out so badly, much much worser than last week and i feel so much more constipated. Now, i feel slightly hungry already as I had my early breakfast @ 5+am. Too hungry, couldn't sleep so woke up and prepared a bowl(quite big i think) of milk(HL instead of skimmed!)and cereal. Ate that together with some tiger biscuits, apple cinnamon oats biscuits and 2 bondoris. Was full after that as tummy was extremely bloated. sucks so much, and its making me lose my appetite. But i don't have a choice, I need to get the food down. K, guess what? Now i no longer feel hungry already. Something's really wrong with my body worse on my intestines. Initially the bloated tummy flatten after a few weeks of eating, and i felt really good even when i ate. Ate lesser thattime though, i think. Mom said it might be due to the previous days whereby i restricted a lil, that's why I'm re-experiencing the same thing again. Ugh, shouldn't have done that if what she said was true. ): Gonna have so food again later, guess i will be getting some oily food to help pass out toxics, I don't wanna die from over-accumulation of toxics LOL. Might be getting myself fried economic beehoon/kway teow with fish and something else. With another cup of Iced Teh Tarik! OH. And i only slept for about 2 hours last night! hahaha caffineee~ The noodles will be snack. Then don't know what to get for lunch. Hahaa will decide later again. Pretty much want the Pork Chop Fried Rice again LOL. Mom will be cooking dinner tonight, so that's fine! k, i still feel bloated eeks. Made a deal with JIE YING hohoho we'll be going ice-skating in Dec once I reach mhw yay :) AWESOME MUCH. GOOGLE-ing for pictures again, stay tuned! hehe.

Recovery is not easy, but it's possible

Still awake now, guess its due to the caffine! Had 2cups of Iced coffeee yeaterday! :) my long lost lover. Been thinking a while ago and realised that every shitty stuff I'm going through now e.g. the water retention esp is because of Anorexia Nervosa. Ed has brought nothing to my life except misery, tears, self hatred, feelings of unworth, distorted body image, low self esteem etc... Oh. And wasted thousands of money due to a couple of hospitalizations, supplements, medications, blood tests, ECG, Bone Mass Density Test, physiotherapy, ED Program, Psychotherapy, Dietitian, Outpatient appointments lalala.. WASTED.
Feel so bad towards my parents, for wasting their heart-earned money and felt so guilty for being so selfish for like a long long period of time when i kept saying "NO" to recovery. Sometimes, I really do hate myself because Ed is still a part of me. Makes me want bang my head against the wall, lose my hearing and all just so that i won't fall into the trap Ed has set-up. Ed makes me feel so bad about myself, so fat and disgusting, and i totally believed it. ): Like currently, I've been having water retention that is sometimes gets better and worse. At the times when it was better, i could see stick-thin legs and knew that i had to put on more weight to not look disgustingly skinny. But when the water retention gets really bad, Ed obviously took advantage of that and start lying to me once again, telling me lies such as "Look at your thighs, they touch. Look at your arms, its much bigger than before. Look at your protruding tummy, you look like a pregnant lady. You are so fat and ugly, lose weight please, have some self discipline. You dont deserve to live if you're fat. Don't eat and you'll feel better etc.." there's so much more. ): i used to believe what Ed said, and it was controlling my life. At that time, I didn't dare let go of Ed as i depended so much on it, my life revolved around food, weight loss and all.. I wasn't strong enough to beat the lies it was polluting my mind with. But I'm trying and i know that someday, I will live a normal life healthily without Ed. Recovery is tough, a tedious process. Many succeed in recovery, many had a couple of relapses, many died as well due to starvation or cardiac arrest from long-term purging. I really hope all anorexics will be able to see the light, to see how much happier they will be without an Eating Disorder, being able to have the freedom to eat whatever they crave without feelings of guilt, without fear of weight gain, without the need to restrict after a proper meal and without purging instead of waiting for death. Also hope that recovering anorexics will continue to fight this battle. Nothing is impossible, EVERYTHING IS POSSIBLE WITH GOD :)
Well, i guess most anorexics(maybe ALL) has Body Image Distortion (BID). That's why we view ourselves as such fat people when we're actually so thin. I feel that way too, EVERY single day when I'm awake even though i want to recover. I know that I can't trust my own eyes when i look at myself, cause Ed definitely twist the truth and lie. Yet, it's hard to trust the people around me when it comes to body size. I know durng recovery, i will put on some flesh be it temporary or not. But before it redistributes itself evenly, I guess i will be conscious about my size and feel "fat" though people around me says its not much of a difference. But yeah, I feel like they're lying to me cause they're scared that i might have a relapse): I also know that logically, its definitely impossible to pile on real fats when i'm undernourished and restricted for so long. but that is easier to believe cause i feel the change! ugh. Confusing much.
I really need to ask myself why do i equate "EATING=FATS", "WEIGHT GAIN=FATS", "LOOKING HEALTHY=FATS". I know its not true, but when either one happens to me, the first word that comes to mind is "FAT". *SIGH* O:
I know that this is going to continue, i will have my ups and downs but i will get stronger each day, knowing that God is with me & that everything happens for a reason. :)

Mhmm, I have quite a number of things i wanna do when i recover(being legally declared healthy by the doctors!)
I want to go shopping for clothes, watch movies+popcorn+nachos extra cheeseee, exercise to tone up, cycle, swim, roller-blade, work, study, go for social gatherings, enjoy food, go round SG searching for good foods, visit museum, play the violin(lessons on hold due to ED :'(), raise awareness of Eating Disorders, help other anorexics recover (that's why i must recover first before i can help them) and so so so much more! A new life awaits me :)