Weight gain is all its takes to slip back

I just took my weight. Horrid. Apparently i gained 13kg in about 3 weeks. That's nuts. I think Mom thinks that I look like a 44.4kg too. From a "you look like 34-35kg at most" this was said just last tues, and today "you look like a 38kg" OHFUCKFUCKFUCK. I can't even stretch out my legs closely together without the thighs touching. Everything became tigher within a few days. I can't think logically now. No one seems to put on as much weight as me, so for only one reason, I OVERATE. I EAT TOO MUCH. SWEET STUFFS, FRIED, MAYBE TOO MANY MEALS EVEN. I cannot eat. Get why i relate everything to fat? Its the 4th time this is happening, when i eat normally for a period of time, gained weight, become fatter. How can i not think that way? I'm so disgusted with myself. I dare not go to shopping malls looking likethat either. I want to OD and not think about anything. I want to lose my memory. Mom is now fine with me eating soupy stuffs already, and when i told her my weight just now, she said that now i just have to maintain it and eat lesser, that i dont have to eat so much already. BUT RIGHT NOW I DONT EVEN THINK I CAN AFFORD EVEN A ONE CALOORIE FOOD. Her response was so different. I can't stop the tears... My water retention wasn't as bad as when i first started. But now my weight gain is even more than when i started eating. Sounds unrealistic? But that's how it is. I thought when anorexics start eating again, their metabolism will skyrocket and all, causing slower weight gain or even weight lost. I actually did lose weight, but put them back on and even more now. WTF.