Recovery is not easy, but it's possible

Still awake now, guess its due to the caffine! Had 2cups of Iced coffeee yeaterday! :) my long lost lover. Been thinking a while ago and realised that every shitty stuff I'm going through now e.g. the water retention esp is because of Anorexia Nervosa. Ed has brought nothing to my life except misery, tears, self hatred, feelings of unworth, distorted body image, low self esteem etc... Oh. And wasted thousands of money due to a couple of hospitalizations, supplements, medications, blood tests, ECG, Bone Mass Density Test, physiotherapy, ED Program, Psychotherapy, Dietitian, Outpatient appointments lalala.. WASTED.
Feel so bad towards my parents, for wasting their heart-earned money and felt so guilty for being so selfish for like a long long period of time when i kept saying "NO" to recovery. Sometimes, I really do hate myself because Ed is still a part of me. Makes me want bang my head against the wall, lose my hearing and all just so that i won't fall into the trap Ed has set-up. Ed makes me feel so bad about myself, so fat and disgusting, and i totally believed it. ): Like currently, I've been having water retention that is sometimes gets better and worse. At the times when it was better, i could see stick-thin legs and knew that i had to put on more weight to not look disgustingly skinny. But when the water retention gets really bad, Ed obviously took advantage of that and start lying to me once again, telling me lies such as "Look at your thighs, they touch. Look at your arms, its much bigger than before. Look at your protruding tummy, you look like a pregnant lady. You are so fat and ugly, lose weight please, have some self discipline. You dont deserve to live if you're fat. Don't eat and you'll feel better etc.." there's so much more. ): i used to believe what Ed said, and it was controlling my life. At that time, I didn't dare let go of Ed as i depended so much on it, my life revolved around food, weight loss and all.. I wasn't strong enough to beat the lies it was polluting my mind with. But I'm trying and i know that someday, I will live a normal life healthily without Ed. Recovery is tough, a tedious process. Many succeed in recovery, many had a couple of relapses, many died as well due to starvation or cardiac arrest from long-term purging. I really hope all anorexics will be able to see the light, to see how much happier they will be without an Eating Disorder, being able to have the freedom to eat whatever they crave without feelings of guilt, without fear of weight gain, without the need to restrict after a proper meal and without purging instead of waiting for death. Also hope that recovering anorexics will continue to fight this battle. Nothing is impossible, EVERYTHING IS POSSIBLE WITH GOD :)
Well, i guess most anorexics(maybe ALL) has Body Image Distortion (BID). That's why we view ourselves as such fat people when we're actually so thin. I feel that way too, EVERY single day when I'm awake even though i want to recover. I know that I can't trust my own eyes when i look at myself, cause Ed definitely twist the truth and lie. Yet, it's hard to trust the people around me when it comes to body size. I know durng recovery, i will put on some flesh be it temporary or not. But before it redistributes itself evenly, I guess i will be conscious about my size and feel "fat" though people around me says its not much of a difference. But yeah, I feel like they're lying to me cause they're scared that i might have a relapse): I also know that logically, its definitely impossible to pile on real fats when i'm undernourished and restricted for so long. but that is easier to believe cause i feel the change! ugh. Confusing much.
I really need to ask myself why do i equate "EATING=FATS", "WEIGHT GAIN=FATS", "LOOKING HEALTHY=FATS". I know its not true, but when either one happens to me, the first word that comes to mind is "FAT". *SIGH* O:
I know that this is going to continue, i will have my ups and downs but i will get stronger each day, knowing that God is with me & that everything happens for a reason. :)

Mhmm, I have quite a number of things i wanna do when i recover(being legally declared healthy by the doctors!)
I want to go shopping for clothes, watch movies+popcorn+nachos extra cheeseee, exercise to tone up, cycle, swim, roller-blade, work, study, go for social gatherings, enjoy food, go round SG searching for good foods, visit museum, play the violin(lessons on hold due to ED :'(), raise awareness of Eating Disorders, help other anorexics recover (that's why i must recover first before i can help them) and so so so much more! A new life awaits me :)