New year's eve!

Ok.. Today is the last day of 2011! That's like so so fast hahaha. And I stayed home on the last day:) Didn't want to go out to join tho, don't feel like. Lol. Been feeling unwell, having really bad headaches due to the increased dosage of setraline. Hurts like mad! All I do is sleep and sleep cause without paracetamol my head really hurts, ouchhh. And I did I mention that I finally finished watching city hunter? It's a reallyyyy good show hahaha. Its like the only korean drama that really like:) Now watching some hong kong show which is really funny too. Like this kind of shows, kind of lift my mood tho. Hehehe. Ohgod my head is sarting to hurt again. And what's worse? I'm seeing the doctor 3weeks later, so thats like I have to tolerate the pain till I see her. Ugh. OH! Went to the wet market with mom today! Been sometime since I went there. Know why its called a wet market? Cause its really slippery with wet stuffs being sold. Like basically its like a rainy day LOL. Got a kilo of prawns as mom will be preparing aglio oilo for some new year celebration with her cell group. So yeah, I'm home alone now. Hahahaha. How great. Thought of some NY resolutions anywayyy. Yeap, here they are:

- practice the violin everyday.
- meet up with friends more often.
- don't cancel gatherings and all.
- say yes most of the time.
- do quiet time daily.
- 3meals 1 snack everyday.
- try not to restrict.
- reduce binges.
- stop weighing myself.
- buy new clothes hahaha
- spend time with family.
- learn something new(Which I have no idea what yet)
- stop throwing away food.
- reduce arguments with parents.
- learn to be flexible with food choices.
- daring to buy "unsafe" foods and what I crave.
- prevent a relapse.
- get declared healthy.
- spend time with my sis:)

That's all for now I think. There's definitely more, just haven't thought of them yet:)
Anyway, starting to struggle a little again. Ohwell. This is a part of recovery, I do know that. But I know I have to get up when I fall, and not let Ed win over me. If not I'd definitely lose. If I try I can still have a chance to defeat it:) GREAT. Church tomorrow, new year!!! Can't wait. Really hope that it'll be a really good year! So many many many things I want to change in my life. Like truckloads. Need God. Ikr. Think breakie will be as usual, at kallang if I'm not wrong. Haha ok, that's all for now!:)

100mg!

Today's a better day compared to yesterday. Been feeling down lately so didn't have the mood to post. Well things are getting better? At least I hope so. Hee. Woke up super early today, at like 7.15am! Can't get back to sleep anymore so yeah had breakfast while watching city hunter! Its a really good show I'm addicted to it now haha:) 2 more discs to gooooo~ Anyway stomach not feeling too good, feeling so bloated. Well I think its because of my meals today, as in the timings. All at least 5hours apart. Its like so bloated now. Had lunch with mom today @ kovan's double spout! Had milano double beef lasagne. It comes with a bowl of potato wedges and a side salad! It was so filling xx they have so much potato wedges! Headed down to sgh after that for appointment with Sook Ming and Dr Sutapa. Talked with sook ming alone first, followed by talking to her and mom. Appaently, it was pretty useful! At least mom and I talked some things out and sook ming gave some advise. :) Then went to see Dr sutapa! Ok.. So my mood was bad, it crashed more than once in a week. I did restrict again and all, back to eating porridge and not even finishing them. So yessss increased dosage of the medicine to 100mg. Its the highest dosage I've ever been on! But good news! Next doctor's appointment 3weeks later hehehe. But still have to go back on the 10th I think, for another 2 appointments. Ok after appointment, Mom and I went to fetch dad since he's at home for dinner at NEX! Dad wanted to go kovan to have Thai cuisine but we needed to go to NTUC so yeah hahaha his wish wasn't granted lol. Dined at Food Junction and I'm glad I finished my portion and did not restrict even when mom ate fish porridge. Cause MSW said that ed has already controlled me so badly, i can't let it control my mom through me and slowly creep into my family and turn the whole house upside down. What do I mean by ed controlling my mum? It's like my mom or people close to me have to eat more than me and unsafe choices. If not, I'd either restrict or not choose safe choices and all. It's bad isn't it? And so, my mom had to sacrifice for me, to eat whatever unsafe food just to make me finish my meals. :( So yeah, they said its the ed cause before I was sick I'm fine with whatever people ate. But now I tend to compare, which is something so bad. I cant possibly be comparing with everyone around me right? That's ridiculous xx. Okay, so even though mom had porridge, I had Yakisoba with an egg! It was a challenge. Yes it is. Why? Because I saw the guy pour down a generous amount of oil and fried the egg on top of it, and it was given to me! OHMYGOD. HOW GENEROUS. But anyways, I still finished everything and I'm happy:) Went to fairprice after that to get some stuffs! Bought honey something cereals that has strawberries with it and 6boxes of honey stars for snack:) I'm so in love with cereals now that I don't bother calculating the calories of the amount I eat. I need to get that off my mind. I don't want to keep weighing food and using a calculator whenever it comes to food or shopping for food. That's simply crazy. Yes, it definitely is. I don't know what I am going to do tomorrow, but probably I'll stay home. Having a headache, and with the increase in dosage it might cause worse anxiety and worse headache:( But the maid is coming tomorrow to clean the house and that sucks. Hate having to be at home when she's coming. It's noisy with the vacuum:( Ohwells. Anyway picture of today's dinner!


Dinner, Yakisoba from nex:)

Gonna get my supper soon, bye!!!

Self discipline hoola

Went out with parents today to view the Logos hope ship. It was really pretty inside, a huge book fair. Hahaha. Got myself two books, one is some inspirational book by a 25years old student and the other is "conquering eating disorders". Oh and happened to meet hanxin and her mom and her sis and boyfriend there! Such a coincidence. :) Before that, had lunch at HarbourFront shopping centre. Been a long time since I last ate there! There's a variety of food, some are kind of rare as most food courts do not sell them. Such as pumpkin noodles, philipine cuisine and bbq stingray indonesian ones. Had ban mian though as didn't really felt like having anything. Or rather, Ed was strong and dominating. And yes, without the pork. After that then we walked to Vivo and board the ship! After that, went to shop around Vivo. Ok its a really boring place. Been there too many times I suppose, so there's nothing really interesting and all to look at. And I actually told my parents what happened yesterday that led to the mood crash and yeah. But won't be posting about it here, might be triggering. Ok today Ed was somehow strong. Sadly, ik. Thankfully Mom was slightly more firm with me today about my snacks. Apparently, I did not want to have snacks. But she insisted. So we went down to the first floor and walked around to see what I could get for myself. But yet, I walked around the whole place and ended up getting nothing. Parents then decided to go to Mac's to eat something and I did not place any orders. I know that was Ed. And yes! Mom forced me to go get something and all, she looked really pissed when I kept refusing. Hahaha. But as the first time I went, I ended up getting nothing as Ed was way too strong to let me buy something, much less eat it. So I went back. Ok they were more pissed. I really didn't know what to do so I said I'd go get Hello Panda and a bev for snack. But I did not. I went to Cheers, took the package, saw the calories and placed it back onto the shelf. So ED. Even so, I know I still got to have my snack. I feel so guilty for always screwing up my body every single time after discharge. And finally, I did have my snack. Managed to get a salted bean biscuit and mr bean ice cream:) The ice cream was really good. So was the biscuit. :) Ignored the after effects. Hahaha. Headed off to airport after that, to get a pair of sports shoe for myself. I'm gonna spend time exercising now! Really hate the feeling of just eating and doing nothing. Have to do something. To at least tone up. :) Will be going to the gym with Han xin tomorrow, and lunch. Having a light lunch tho. Won't really want to have a heavy lunch after a work out! Will be too tired to eat much. Hahaha. Am going to have my snack as well, really want to start the meal plan given by the dietitian tomorrow. Hope I can follow accordingly to it and not have anything more or less. I mean I can have more but I'm just scared that I might feel guilty and restrict for the next meal kind of thing. Oh and had durians! Having sore throat but still had durians. Hahaha it was really good. Gonna go have more now!

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas! Happy birthday to Jesus, iloveyou:) Went to church for service today! But before that, went to Kallang Leisure for breakfast at 11am or so. Late breakfast. Apparently, I had pre breakfast. Omg. I totally didn't follow the dietitian's meal plan for today. She said I can't eat lesser than what was planned and can have more. But I think I had too much. Way too much oh godddd. Had 5 fererros and some chips and half a halved cake xx Then breakfast. It was really filling. Wanted to have yoguru but momma didn't allow. So yeah had dim sum as planned. Ok I ordered too much. So I ate too much too. Makes sense, doesn't it? Shared eggtart, char siew pau, lotus paste pau, red bean pau, chee cheong fan, char siew soh and some fried stuff and sesame ball with parents. Was really full after eating that! But it was nice honestly. Headed off to church after that with 10boxes of presents! Im like santa clause hahaha. And I received alot of chocolate. ALOT. And I ate finish all. Actually not, but almost. See that's why I said I ate too much. But didn't have lunch tho, was too full till I almost vomitted. The feeling was gross and Ed sank in. Luckily just for a short while. so yeah. Anyway I'll just stop here about the stuffs for today. I'm feeling really bad and disgusted right now so yeah its kind of hard to continue about it especially looking back at the amount of food I consumed xx I am feeling so lousy, really lousy about myself. Fuck it, what's wrong with me:( It reminds me of the ward. The only place I do not think of anything, do not think of Ed. Out here, its so hard. Too hard. Sometimes it's all good, sometimes like now its simply shitty. What am I going to do now? What to do if it happens again? I know its inevitable that ed thoughts will continue to sink in like no one's business but omg I feel so alone. Apparently it feels like I have no one to turn to, no one to talk to about such issues. They simply don't understand. Yet talking to someone in the same situation as me might trigger them. That leaves me all ALONE. Forgotten and alone. I really wiah to die. And I miss sherry so so much. She's such a big support in my life. If only time could rewind... I thought things will go well, but trying to get rid of anorexia is so much tougher than having a life with anorexia. I'm left on my own devices, aren't I? Tbh, I really don't know who am I. I don't know which is me and which is ed. Sometimes I am really confused. And I really hate it when people just keep telling me I can do this when I feel like I can't. I know its a form of encouragement, but it makes me feel so much more like a failure. I really appreciate people's concerns for me, but yet sigh. I am stuck. Sometimes I can see the light, but as I am walking nearer and nearer towards the light, darkness overwhelms. The light disappeared. It comes and goes, it's like a journey that'll never end. Ohno my god. And talking about this, self harming seems to be the best resort. Like how purging can become an addiction, self harming has become an addiction for me. Or rather, pills come in handy at times like this. Sigh ok i think this is so Ed. But i don't have any defense strategy to go against it. So now, what now? I feel good and bad. But majority of the time, I feel bad. Ok life is screwed. With Ed. Or without Ed. Either way its screwed. Omg I am going to cry now xxx why am I such a failure that I can't even do things well? Wtf is wrong with me honestly. I have such a low self esteem. I feel like i let everyone down. Especially God.

Christmas Eve :)

Merry christmas eve! Tomorrow is christmas, can't wait. Currently, I am so bloated now. Okay it sucks I know. I totally hate the feeling but I know I just have to stop thinking about it:( Anyway stayed home today! I miss my home so much after being in the hospital so yeap. Baked Cranberry Muffins! Gonna give them to some closer friends tomorrow:) Just for 10 people. Only have 10 boxes so yeah. Hahaha. So today is the first day whereby I have all my meals at home. No time limit, no protocol. It was uhm.. Not too bad I guess. I actually stick to the meal plan for all meals except for my snack. Was supposed to strike a balance between safe foods and exciting foods as told by June. And I did so! Muffins were a challenge for me yet I finished them. And the safer food was lunch:) Not too bad huh. Still working on my "Journey to Recovery" board! Ok I think I suck at art but kind of have a little interest after going for art therapy during the program. Hehehe. Well, I'm so glad my meals for today and even tomorrow has been planned by June. That's really good cause I'm not too sure about the portion sizes so yeap. At least she assured me:) That's a reason to continue seeing a dietitian hahaha. Tomorrow might be more of a challenge as having dim sum for breakfast and I think I'll be pretty full from the food alone and might leave out the drink that I'm supposed to have as well.. And lunch, not sure if the church is catering buffet or smth. Dinner will be with family! To celebrate Christmas. Thought of going Marche initially but we'll see how it goes tomorrow. It'll be a super crowded day tomorrow! OHGOD. Hahahaha and presents tomorrow! That's the most exciting part!!! It is, isn't it? I'll owe people presents cause I have no time to get them:( Ugh. Blame the hospital for loving me too much LOL. And having trouble with sleep again! Always happens when I'm at home. Eek it sucks. Can't fall asleep yet wake up so early to have breakfast. :( WHAT IS THIS?! So ended up having a bad headache during the day. Anyway I did something. I typed out all my challenging breakfast, lunch and dinner and snacks! And guess what? I found out that even after having eaten some of the challenging foods during recovery and tho having a better relationship with food, it's still really challenging for me. I had no problem coming up with the challenging ones yet have big problems coming up with the not so challenging ones. I intend to have a callenging meal a day, as what june said. Have a balance:) That's the key. I really have to get new bottoms soon. Zomg I can't fit into them:( even my sister's jeans are somehow not loose on me anymore, so I can really imagine how much weight I put on over the past 2 months and how much fats. Daamn, so depressing:( Oh but something good, I can finally fit nicely into the tops I bought in Perth:) I still feel as tho I looked fat tho. But ohwell. What's left for me to do now is to continue with normal eating behaviour, not binge and restrict and exercise to tone up. Have to watch my activity level too anyway since other than exercising on my own, I'll be seeing Deng Peng my Physiotherapist:) She's so nice. So ywah they don't want me to over exert my body alreaedy especially during this period of time when my body is still so vulnerable as its just started recovering not long ago. And it actually takes about 6-8months for recovering anorexics to be able to listen well to the stomach signals and eat when really hungry and to know when to stop when feel comfortably full. Still a long long long way there. Anyway that's all for now! Christmas in 5 hours!

Discharged!

Hooray! Finally discharged. This is my shortest admission yet it felt like the longest. This is also the admission that I did learn coping stratgeries and etc. Doctor rounds was good today and had outside food. For the first time! So sick of hospital food. But "Outside Food"= Challenging foods. Trained to Ion Orchard with Netty, Hwee Ting, Hannah, Hui Lin and Kathy. Had already decided to have swensens last night so we just went ahead with it and did weekend planning there. Ok, I must say that the service there is horrible. Poor service. Its the second time I went there and it was still, poor service. That's way a number of customers left. We placed our orders and apparently waited for about 45mins to an hour! I mean its okay if we don't have anything on after lunch but we do! That's the problem. Anyway skip that. So I ordered American Cheeseburger Pizza and Cookies&Cream Ice-Cream Milk Shake. It was nice but OMG. Really a challenging meal esp when I can see the oil ooze out when cutting the pizza. Eeks. Trying to forget about that, it's so Ed. So I actually had 2 slices of American Cheeseburger Pizza and 2 slices of Pepperoni and cheese pizza. Its thin crust! I prefer thick one tho. With the drink yeah. Due to the poor service, we started lunch really late and reached the ward late too! Was supposed to see June at 2.30pm but ended up only reached the ward at 3pm or so. So she was speaking to my parents! Dangggg. Spoke to her with my parents after that and we actually planned out my meal for dinner tonight and tomorrow's meals and sunday's meals. So tonight I had Teochew Porridge. Light and nice. First meal out with parents after discharge and I somehow cheat. Not nice to mention about it. Then headed down to Nex to get groceries and stuffs for baking tomorrow! Mom got an oven so will do baking for Christmas! Baking Butter cake and Cranberry Upside Down Muffins. Baked those muffins during program too, just that it was blueberry instead. Was really crowded there, and poor dad couldn't join us cause there's no parking lot. Oh got breakfast too, at Breadtalk and SwissBake! All according to dietitian's agreement. Hahahaha but not the snack. I guess I really have to learn to not change my diet as and when after I planned. I really need a rigid meal plan in case Ed attacks and I skip/change any meals or snack. Ugh. I miss my home anyway esp my bed! Omg great. Anyway feeling quite disgusted now cause my tummy is really big. I had a durian too. LOL. But I don't know why its making me so damn uncomfortable. Trying really hard to not think about it! Gonna continue with my food diary again as usual as outpatient and I'll be decorating my recovery board again, owe a picture to Tina! Andandand I have 6 appointments, OMG that's like a lot. Really ALOT. It seems like I have so much things to do but yet I think I'll have nothing to do tomorrow. Hahaha its always been like that. So yeah I'm gonna plan out my meals and snack now and pass it to my Mom. Thats all :)

Oh Happy Day!

I'm so sorry for not updating my blog. Ops. Internet connection been pretty bad in the ward and I've been going down for program so not much time actually. Especially with the new medicine that makes me so extremely tired after taking that. And its thrice a day. Imagine that. And I'm surprised that I really did learn some stuffs from the program. It's the most fruitful time I suppose as compared to last time. Love art therapy lots. And body image too. I find it really meangingful, as I can express my feelings and all in words and drawings. Like for yesterday's art therapy, we did a First Aid Box and placed encouraging stuffs and all and also ways and pictures on how to cope with our struggles. For body image, we came up with our own individual quotes! 3 of them:) Mine was "Health matters more than size", "I'm beautifully created by God" & "Inner beauty is more important than Outer beauty". Yeap and its inside my First Aid box now! Not done decorating it tho, gonna do so once I have the time at home teehee. Today's doctor rounds was good too. Gonna get discharged tomorrow and honestly, I can't wait to get discharged! Found some stuffs that I could do when I'm at home! Help from the occupational therapist who came and saw me this morning. Was good tho. Supposed to see dietitan today but she didn't come and find me:( So yeah probably tomorrow. Just before I get discharged will do. I really need her help. Tomorrow last day of program! Might be going to Swensens @ Ion Orchard if Dr NG is fine with me having outside food. Then all of us in the program can go for meal outing. Quite excited but yet nervous at the same time if we really do dine out cause I'm not sure if its compulsory to order a full meal that includes soup of the day and drink. Oh and I'm having Thosai tomorrow morning! My favourite breakfast meal on my last day. Cool huh. Love the 2 different kinds of curries, it just taste oh-so good. Parents will be seeing social worker as well and hope it'll help my parents. Like give some coping strategies and all too. Anyway will be having dinner out @ Nex, Pizza Hut with parents woohoo. Such a good day it'll be tomorrow. And I'm actually craving for food! I feel so deprived in the ward. Hahaha I should feed myself huh, but I don't know. I'm scared of fat. As always. Anyway Han xin dropped by yesterday with a huge teddy. Hahahaha. And we finally planned the dates for our dates! Will be meeting up on every wednesday for the time being to go to different places to eat. That means my blog will be uploaded with lotsa pictures! Btw, I know I have lots of photos not uploaded yet. Ops. Probably Saturday when I'm free. Will be staying at home to bake Cranberry Upside Down Muffins for Christmas! Its the festive season, a time to get fat. Hahahaha. I've just made a promise to eat whatever I want without restricting after. If everyone can overeat for like practically all meals during those times and have tons of snacks too, then why can't I? I know I can eat like them:) Planned out a diet plan with Xin Tong in the ward as well. But the problem is I do hope that I'll realy be able to follow accordingly, as I am aware that there's high chance I'll restrict like before. So yeap. So tomorrow doctor's round will determine lunch of the day. Hahaha. And before I forget, during body image group yesterday, I came up with 3 quotes to encourage me in my recovery. Here, "Health matters more than size", "I'm beautifully created by God" & "Inner beauty is more important than Outer beauty". Hopefully it'll be an encouragement to everyone anyone too. Try and believe it even tho you might not believe it. I'm trying to do so:) Going to bed now, so goodnight:)

Day 3!

Third day in the hospital~ Morning was okay, saw only Dr Ng, which was good. At least not so stress. Haha. And time pass by so slowly today:( Like after breakfast, went to sleep for a while. I thought that i had a long sleep but it only turned out to be fifteen minutes! -____- Dang. But lunch was quite a struggle. Did not feel like completing the Fried Rice, as Ed was like talking in my mind. It really sucked. And after that, I felt really awful about myself. Sigh. Anyway I finished reading Unbearable Lightness! Overall it was a good book, like a time of reflection for me as well. Like usually, i dont really notice and didn't mind the harm Ed was causing but after reading a real life case scenario, it kind of made me realise quite a couple of things. I do know recovery is really hard, but i really hope i can hang in there tho i feel so awful and all. I dont wish to give up again. Anyway was really glad that Hanxin and Hanen came! Hanxin gave me something she painted, so prettay, love love it and love her too!:) Had a good chat with both of them and we're going to have buffet once i'm all well! Really cannot wait to live a normal life when i can enjoy buffet, especially desserts. Will i be able to overcome my fears? Oh, and went to setting captives free site, and did the first day "In his image" course. And WOAH, it was helpful. Like it taught me that my focus is to be on Jesus Christ and that whatever I do is for his glory, for the right motives and not for my own glory. Its helpful for eating disorders such as Anorexia and Bulimia and all sorts. Like food issues. Any kind:) Doing day 2 tomorrow, and I committed to do for the next 60days as its a 60days course. I ticked the commitment box hahaha. All's well after having visitors cheering me up:) Yeap. Can't make it for church tomorrow tho, can't get out. Ohwell. Actually I really do hope that I will look forward to joining program since i really want to recover. I'd really love to have a listening ear who can understand all that i want to say. That'd really be good:) Anyway, i guess i'll do some reading again. Never read so much outside! Good-ta-bai:)

Reasons why i want to recover 2!

Why do i want to recover? I want to live. I want to live my life as intended by God. I want to be a living testimony to show God's grace and how he lead my through my struggles. I want people to know that that God i know is the almighty God, the One and Only. The One who gives strength to the weak, who fills the empty and who'll always be there for me in times of need. The One who will love me no matter what happens, no matter what decisions i make in life. The One who'll never give up hope on me, never judge me and never forsake me. I want to be free. I want to lead a normal life like everyone else. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin. I want to be able to accept myself for who i am. I don't want to be someone i am not. I don't want the numbers on the scale to determine my day. I don't want my value and worth to be determined by mere numbers that fluctuates from time to time. I don't want my parents to worry. I don't want to spend my time thinking about the next meal, what i should eat and how do i restrict. I don't want to waste my brain cells thinking of ways to cheat during meal times and thinking of ways to lose weight. I want to be honest with myself and people around me. I don't want to be a liar, lying constantly due to eating issues. I don't want to weigh my food anymore. I want to eat as and when i like, and know when to stop when i'm full. I don't want to restrict, binge, restrict and feel guilty. I don't want Ed to rule my life. I don't want Ed to control my life; mood and eating. I want to be completely free from Ed. I want to eat whatever i want without guilt and without the need to restrict for the next few days. I want to order my meals not based on the lowest calories but what i really crave. I want to stop googling for weight loss tips and thinspiration. I want to help others who are also struggling with an Eating Disorder hence i have to help myself first. I want to sit without pain. I want to be able to wear nice clothes(i can now) but without feeling fat and disgusting. I want to look at myself in the mirror and smile. And to be glad for the body i am given. I want to play the violin without thinking of whatever Ed is saying so that i can concentrate. I don't want to lie dead at home because i have no mood to do anything etc. I want to hang out with my friends once again. I don't want to go to shopping malls or wherever just to walk and burn extra calories, instead, i want to really do shopping. I don't want to be bothered by the calories of foods that I'm consuming. I want to be able to eat a chocolate bar without calculating its calories. I want to eat without thinking if i should or if i deserve to eat. I don't want to be determined by the size of my jeans. I want to live life to the fullest. I want to smile from the bottom of my heart and not fake a smile. I want to tell people that i am honestly fine instead of saying that as a lie. I want to be able to make unsafe food choices as well. I want to eat out with my friends and go for dessert buffets and all without thinking of restricting or restricting before the buffet and all and without thinking that i need to purge after. I do not want to be preoccupied with food and calories. I do not want to be obsessed with my weight and food. I want my health back. I want to have regular menses. I want to give birth to my own child in the future(tho i keep saying i'll never get pregnant). I want to improve the condition of my osteoporosis. I want to engage in sports that i really enjoy. I don't want my parents hard-earned money to be spent on hospital bills. I don't want my Mom to go through the trouble of preparing safer breakfasts for me, but to eat whatever she prepares randomly. I don't want to be jealous of other people without an Eating Disorder. I want to be able to know what is real hunger. I want my body to know that it'll never be deprived of food again. I want to be proud that i recovered!

This is why i want to recover. I know at times i did piss people off or disappoint them be it parents or friends with or without Ed whenever i say that i didn't want to recover anymore. Even when i said that, sometimes i really do mean it because i'm so tired to fight. But still, even when i meant that, there's still a teeny weeny part of me that's still fighting. Every moment that i'm alive is a gift from God. And for that reason, I can't give up. I have to carry on fighting. God has already won the battle for me, and i must overcome Ed and win over Satan. I know there are times when i feel really lousy and bad about myself. Everyone even those without Ed feels like that once in a while, just maybe not as frequent. I jus have to find ways to cope with that, right? I can't depend on the hospital and all, ultimately, i still have to be on my own and face the triggers outside. I have to step out of my comfort zone(hospital and home). I want my motivation to be high like now. Honestly i really don't want it to drop:( I know it'll be a tough journey with valleys ups and downs and i'll fall along the way, but the thing is to pick myself up. I have people supporting me; and i dont want to disappoint them. I want freedom. I really do. I really really really want to stop giving up but hang in there. Its so hard, sigh. Honestly, it really seems impossible to me. But ohwell, when there's a will, there's a way:)

"If you don't try, you're bound to fail. Its okay to fall and start over. If you try, there's still hope that things will be better:)"

Admission; Day 1

Went for appointment today and got admitted. So today is day one of my admission. Hahaha i'm glad things went well tho at dinner time i was somehow triggered. But ohwell, its inevitable right, everyone is also struggling with the same i guess. But things will be better, i hope. I should be certain about it, right? Anyway made some new friends too tho not close lah. Talked to xin tong for quite some time! Really enjoyed talking to her after like so many months! Its nice to have people who understands, it helps to release some mental stress too. Oh and dinner went great! Had Pork lor, tow gua and egg! Kind of missed it, however the pork was a little hard. Not so chewy:( Finished all tho, was like famished since i didn't had my lunch. And ordered for tomorrow's meals too! Breakfast will be having Banana Bread that comes with butter. Honestly, i am quite scared of the butter. Really don't know if i should have that together with the banana bread since i'm not on protocol anyway. Lunch would be mutton korma! I'm sure i ate that before! Just that i can't remember how it tasted and what colour is the curry. Hahaha. And as for dinner, fish masak kuning:) I think it's nice too. Anyway, coming in here made me reflect. I was thinking why did i bother to restrict again when i actually got my metabolism high on track. It happened a couple of times, yet i still repeated the same mistake. Honestly, i want to recover. I really do. But i also want to be slim at the same time, you know? That's why i'm still confused. I really want to eat whatever i want without bothering about the calories and all. It sounds so easy, yet it can get so tough. Hmmm. I just hope this admission will be helpful:) Waiting to see the dietitian soon too ahhaha at least she can help ;) Also really very thankful to Mom! She went all the way home just to get my stuffs and laptop:) So glad i have her as my Mom, teehee. Anywayyyy i have to wake up early tomorrow, breakfast @ 8am-___- not gonna sleep so soon tho. But good night in advance!

Gaggggg.

Today was a struggle. :( Morning wasn't but after that yessss:( So, morning headed out to Bedok Point with Mom! Apparently we reached there super early, like around 10.45am or so, so all the eating places are not opened yet and the only one available was Killiney Kopitiam:/ But yeah, i wasn't interested in eating toast bread. Not at all. In fact, its my fear food:( Cause of the block of butter! Anyway so we walked about, up and down the escalator! Time passed so so so slowly at that point of time. Its like 1min is equivalent to a year-.- that slow k. Meanwhile, was also wondering what should we have for brunch :D We ended up with two choices, either Eatzi or some Japanese Noodles store. Guess how we settled it? By scissors paper stone LOLOL. Its the easiest way to come to a decision. Mom won and we had the japanese food instead. We were the first customers! It was pretty cool i think, i've never been the first in my life lolzxxxzsszxsz. I ordered the tamago fried noodles and Mom had the fish fry noodles:) We thought it might not be enough so we ordered an extra side, 4takoyakis! with eggggg!! After that went to granny's place. Oh no, we went to Esso to get chocolate bars first. Ok and today is a boring day. Cause i did nothing at granny's place, other than sleeping. I dont know why but i've been really tired lately:( But once its bedtime, i can't get to sleep all the way till 2-3am or later than that. I guess i slept for 4hours there! Shouldnt have been more than that heee. But surprisingly, i was still very very tired after i woke up. Something's wrong with me? Maybe. Was waiting for dad to come over since he drove the car, and so mom and i had to stay there till he comes. It was a long wait. Honestly. He came at around 6.15pm. We reached gran's place at 11.55am. -____- And taaadaaaa! Dinner time. Lol. Went to airport T3 to have dinner, and bought some bakery bread and eggtarts for the rest. Oh and today was a struggle yes. I didn't manage to force the chocolate bars down my throat. I only had 1/3 of a kitkat white chunky bar. Ed was so strong. And honestly, i took a long time while deciding to buy the 3 bars of chocolates. I took them, and placed them back at least thrice before making payment. Then initially wanted to buy Gong Cha (I havent tried them before hahaha) but after choosing what i wanted, i was freaked out so i told mom i didn't want that anymore. Ohmyyyy. And dinner time was the same, it was a pathetic dinner yet i felt it was such a fatty meal. My mood crashed while having dinner. I just started crying and all and i hurt myself too. Now there's scars. Ugly, but ohwell. Yeah and that's not all! When home, I was contemplating if i should have the mixed berries yogurt. It took me quite some time to decide. On one hand, i think i should have it cause its good but the main reason is its going to expire like tomorrow. Yet on the other hand, Ed was saying that if i ate it it would make me fat. So contradicting -____- but hey hey i had that, and i'm feeling okay. Actually i should be feeling ok. Ok i am okay.
Anyway, I have appointment with Dr Ng kw tomorrow. First, I am sure she would bring up admission. Secondly, she'll take my weight. Thirdly, she'll see my food diary and convince my mom that i need to be admitted. Forthly, she'll speak to my mom and i after speaking to me. I guess that's all. So, i don't know if i should be a good girl and not refuse admission. She's been wanting to admit me since i first saw her. So yeah. I honestly don't know if i should:( sigh. Skip that. Tomorrow will be watching Sherlock Holmes before appointment! Provided there's a good timing i hope there will be! Having breakfast out too, maybe at Tampines. Then lunch at wherever place we're at. Then hell. HOSPITAL. Then i dont know in or out. Lol. Okayy anyway phone is charging so pictures another time! PS: I know i owe lotsa pictures including the Buffet at Rise, sorrrrieeee.

Movie with parents, finally!

Heehee was so tired today! Slept at 5+am in the morning and mum woke me uo at around 9+am. Zomg tired tired. Was going out for a movie so yeah had to prepare. Ok anyway, was actually watching movie with mom only. But when i woke up, she told me that my dad wanted to join us. Hahaha its been long since i watched with both parents :) If only my sist was with us tooo. That'd be perfect:) Drove to Mount Faber to fetch Dad first then headed down to Vivo City. Bought movie tickets first, for the show "Magic to win" @ 1225! The show is pretty good but most parts isn't real lah. Cause it's magic lol. Oh and i realized today that thr GV web page is so untrustable:( Was actually going to watch another movie cause of the timings, but yet, once at Vivo, the cinema listed a whole lot more movies which were not updated at the website! Tsk. Had brunch at The Soup Spoon too, before the show! Ordered my usual hee. And dad is so busy lah, he can't even eat in peace! His phone kept ringing, and when Mom and I finished our food already, he barely finished his! Anyway I had tons of fruits today. I don't know why but i think i am starting to freak out from eating so much fruits already:( My god. I can't believe if i totally cut out fruits. Trying to ignore Ed telling me that "fruits have calories too", but ohwell. I don't know if i should go to my granny's place tomorrow in the morning... Cause I doubt i can wake up! Have to leave the house at around 8.30am? I can only sleep till 8am- latest! Plus i don't even know if i'd be able to sleep tonight before the clock strikes 12am. But i don't think so lololzxzzsxsxz. Anyway there's a sneak preview of Mission Impossible: The Ghost Protocol tomorrow! Omg can't wait to watch it. And Sherlock Holmes will be screening in cinemas on the 15th dec! So going to watch that on Thursday morning before my appoinment in case i get admitted:( Hola ohwell, have a good rest!

Full till puke!

Today morning didn't start off well, but hey! After breakfast all went well:) tho only had an alpen bar which is those low cals ones for breakfast, but snacked a lot. Really truckloads of them. Hahaha i don't know why suddenly i had the split second whereby i was thinking what i had been doing to myself. So since today Ed wasn't so strong as previous days, i decided to eat what i wanted. So... Lunch had home cooked korean rice cake! OMG it was spicy lah. Till my tummy was so hot. LOL. But it was nice tho. Had a slice of ice cream cake to cool the hotness hahaha. But i dont know why once i start i cant stop:( Maybe it was too depreived again from the past couple of days i guess. Snacked on stuffs like tsp, swiss roll, mochi, ice cream cake, banana cake, eggtarts, muesli, milk, juice etc. OMG a lot right? Dang. And i didn't had fruits today:( sadly. Will stock up the fridge with fruits again! (Y) I realised that when i didn't have my usual huge bowls of fruits, i end up having all the quick fit sugary stuffs. So yeah not good to have them so often. Fruits i love them! Especially chilled grapes and strawberries :) Tbh, i actually did feel guilty for eating and think there's a need to like restrict tomorrow and wednesday and thursday before appointment. And if i don't get admitted, i think i might actually continue restricting:( Sigh. Kind of been a habit already i suppose. But seeing my food diary, i wonder what will the doctor say. Anyway i had KFC for dinner! Haven't had them in a superrrr longggg time! Had cheese meltz set with one chicken drumstick and 3porteguese eggtarts~ First time trying them and i think the eggtarts are really good indeed:) Trying to get my mind off all the guilt by blogging hahaha and was also helping to sort out namecards. The namecards method didn't really help. Anyway! Tomorrow going to watch a movie if i'm not wrong:) Will be either watching magic to win or New Yesr's Eve with Mom :) Morning showtime i hope! Update again tomorrow:))

tough time ahead

Even though I kind of lost faith in God and all, but i really am grateful to him. Nevertheless, i still thank Him for the support he has given me to help me in my recovery. Though at times i really feel like giving up, take a break. I mean i know i can, but i have to get back on track. Everyone falls and have slip ups, but the question boils down to "am i willing to pick myself up"? Right now, I really am confused. I mean i worked so hard for recovery, but i really am tired to carry on. I really want back the confidence and all instead of feeling like a failure xx i guess i'll have to take baby steps all over again. Anyway something good today :D I had Yami Yogurt today:) Though its not my favourite hahaha i actually prefer berrylite and yoguru more! So instead of the usual order of regular with either dried cranberries or granola as toppings, i had both of the toppings and a JUMBO cup. Hahaha the best thing is i finished everything till the last bite. Tbh, I was really surprised. But its something I really enjoy tho. :) Mom and Dad were glad too. Straight away finishing all, I was feeling okay... But shortly after, guilt sank in. I felt bad horrible fat, all the typical Ed thoughts. It was uhm, hard to like yeah. But managed to ignore it by distracting myself.Anyway I really love love love fruits now! Especially chilled ones hahaha had 2large bowls of fruits today all chilled! Freeze them in the freezer, it taste better. But don't ever freeze banana! At least fruits are something i can consume without as much guilt. Previously i didn't even dare have fruits. But I'm really scared that one day i might actually end up fearing fruits again because of those calories:( sigh. Anywayyyy been really tired! Had a good night sleep yesterday tho, slept so well that even when my sis woke up I didn't know. :) Thats really goood i like it hahaha hope tonight will be the same~ And and and I'll start practicing my violin again, i have ambitions for that! Heehee. Let's just say yes i really hope i can succeed. Violin is hard to play and makes my hand ache, but perserverance is key. Right?! And also, mood wise has been better. Didn't try myself to sleep last night and no tears for tonight. The day is ending soon, in like half an hours' time. :)

:)

Decided to unprivate my blog. Well, cause i think feeling so down now is also part of recovery, isn't it? So why should i close it? Anyway if you guys happen to view my blog again, welcome back hahaha. its open for reading now:) Anyway, its been tough since my last post. I'm still having trouble getting to sleep and uhm crying at night. Sigh. I am so stuck. I feel so lousy about myself honestly. I can't explain the shame i feel and how fat i view myself. I hate the mirror now. I really do. No matter how i look at myself, all i see is fat. Been restricting quite a lot lately, the only thing that stays the same is that i am still having tons of fruits and dried cranberries. Honestly, I am quite scared that sooner or later i might actually start to fear the calories of fruits too:( Aw man. But talking about this, I have to admit that having some "control" of my diet made me feel special again that i don't have to eat. Also, my mood wasn't that bad as before when i ate normally. This actually shows how strong Ed is. When i obliged to it, things seemed better. But the question is, how long will it last? It's so temporary i know. But i just want to walk one step at a time. I know i'm foolish, i know Ed is a monster, its nothing good to have it in my life. But easier said than done, i don't know why its so tough to get it out. Sometimes i really hate it, but sometimes i feel like i need it. Get me? That's why recovery is so tough xx :(

Its over. I can't carry on.

Went to the hospital today and dangggg. Almost got admitted:X cause of my mood. Even the dietitian wants me to be admitted, she even decided for me to get admitted. But anyway mom told this male doc that i don't want to get admitted so yeah,no admission:) Awesome. But i think most probably i will get admitted next thurs by dr ng:( omg my life sucks. i just think it sucks. My self esteem has never been so low in my life before even at my sickest, my self esteem and self worth is higher than now. I totally hate myself now. I can't wait to slit off every inch of fat or skin whatever that is. UGH. I am paranoid. I think everyone hates me. I am a lonely human that deserves to go and die. Ok now i really honestly don't know what to do. I'm so so jealous of so many people. OMH WHYYY. You may think I'm nuts and i tell you, i think i am too. I just hate this shit. I don't want to carry on with fighting ed anymore, i can't stand it. The more i fight it, the more i hate myself. Even my already high medication has increased. Now its really high. Mygod... :( I am screwed, so screwed. After today's buffet, it kind of marks the stop to my recovery. Maybe till i find back a reason and purpose to live a fruitful life. SIGH it totally means nothing to me. I don't understand why is this so. I'm different from others. They have a good life, they're happy, they're pretty, smart, slim, loved and etc. But for me, gah. I think everyone is laughing at me for becoming so fat xx Life is just so unfair. Accept the fact lolol. Tomorrow, yes tomorrow it's starting. I'm a heartless cold bitch i don't care won't care about others feelings. Everyone is lying. No one can be trusted.. I am just left on my own devices pathetically..

Parents anniversary!

HA-DE-LO:) So i just woke up. Had breakfast. Now typing this with a uhm... full stomach LOL. Anyway, appointment later @ SGH with the dietitian. K, i don't know who will i be seeing though cause its like it depends on who is on shift. Like rotation kind of thing. Hope i see the same one again, like June. Ok so, after appointment will be coming home to get the car. Mom's not driving the car to appointment and all cause we'll be heading down to Orchard to get my pay and have lunch :) Parking fee expensive xx LOLOL. Yeap today is Mom& Dad's wedding anniversary! AMAZING HEHEHE si we'll be having a feast. Family dinner at Marina Bay Sands, Todai restaurant. Its an international seafood and sushi buffet. There's like a wide variety of food OMG. Kind of scared tho, don't know how much my tummy gonna expand LOL. Currently still waiting for the workers there to contact regarding the reservation.. Only did an online reservation last night HAHAHA late notice even tho they listed there "Please make reservation at least 24 hours in advance". Aiyah nevermind one right? Haha.. Anyway I'll take many pictures k!

It never seems to end

I had a horrible Ed attack yesterday. It was so bad:( Apparently, i was like craving some sort of foods i liked and all, but suddenly i felt so shameless. Like how could i even be craving anything when i'm so fat. And i really can't stop comparing myself with others.. It's so tough that's why I'd stay home the whole day. I really honestly don't know what have i done to end up in the state to end up in this size. It feels awful.. And i missed my anorexic size. I don't know why, i know i looked like a walking skeleton or zombie whatever you call it but its just constantly in my brain. Those images. And even till now i do not dare to pack my clothes, i can't bear to do so. I don't know to know that i can't fit into them anymore. My god this is so depressing. And yes, yesterday obviously i cried, till my eyes were swollen this morning. And worse, i scratched myself. By self harming tho not so bad so no scars, but if the doctor knows, i'd be admitted i think. Otherwise my medicine dosage is going to increase:( Mom cried too, i feel so guilty cause i caused it. Without my presence things might get a little better? And talking about it, I don't think i should tell anyone my innermost thoughts. Its useless. I only make people cry and worry for me. So useless lah me. Was so tempted to OD with paracetemol last night. Got a whole pack of them when i went to A&E the other time for the fall. OHGOD. Skip that... So today morning started off well i guess. I had a huge bowl of muah chee mom made:) A HUGE BOWL. Really huge!! And damn filling so had late lunch. And had spaghetti. But i guess it was another Ed attack again. Apparently i went to drink down a cup of water before my meal. So duh i'd definitely feel full eating less.. Mom has kind of said that i am slipping back.. Like especially from the way i talk, she said its the same as what i've been saying before i got stuck to anorexia. So yeah. But i don't think so? Or maybe I do but i just don't admit. UGH anyway today I'm staying @ home the whole day too. Not going out anymore with Shu Qi, not in the mood to since last night. It's always like this, I tend to cancel my dates the night before or on the day itself. Its totally Ed for that cause it screws my mood :X sigh, it's like a never-ending cycle which keeps repeating. Anyway Mom has to go Amore later @ Kovan and i don't know if i should go with her. Mmmmm. Will see how it goes i guess LOL. Or maybe i'll just stay at home cause i have nothing to do there? But i kind of want to do my nails -__- I think i am nuts... Ok thinking about it now, i do think that there is a teeny weeny bit of signs of anorexia taking control again. Like i don't know why, i went to google for diet stuffs and thinspiration xx I DON"T KNOW WHY. I know its wrong, but i continued scrolling down. Argh. Please don't go view them if you're trying to recover from this eating disorder k. Its triggering really. It'll just bring back all your skinny images... But really really really i can afford to lose weight now and i really want to oh my god i am so depressed i hate how i am looking now ugh. Can i end my life? Can someone stab me something or anything? I don't seem to have a hold on what i am thinking. Ugh shit fuck. I can't carry on.

Yeah, indeed:)

Hey! Confirmed already. Know what i'm talking about? Hehehe i mentioned in my earlier post! Ok anyway... so i got my period back!:) Confirmed already. hehehe ok i am supposed to be happy aren't i? A part of me is happy, and a part of me isn't. Well anyway if it comes continuously for 3months, i will be able to exercise! Ahhaha so happy:) Better than not being allowed to exercise! So talking about today, I woke up @ around 8am. No idea why i wake up so early nowadays:( so Mom prepared breakfast again and had uhm.. 5 organic corn rice cakes with strawberry jam and a cup of milk:) A new cup. Actually the cup was supposed to be a gift for my friend, last year's christmas i think. And i totally forgotten about it, only found it yesterday while packing hahaha:) So now I'm using it LOL. So after breakfast, did my stuffs and all then went to prepare before Mom comes home. We headed down to Suntec for lunch @ the Food Republic before catching a movie. Watched "Already Famous", its a pretty good show and duh its hilarious especially when Michelle Chong speaks in the Malaysian accent:) Had a good laugh, that's really a nice feeling. At least no Ed attacks during the show and all, I'm glad. As Mom was to cook dinner for the family, we had to like rush home after getting my snack. So yeah. But ohwell, at least i've got things to do at home to occupy my free time~ Today is Tuesday, tomorrow is Wednesday. I'll be meeting Shu Qi tomorrow tho. Yay. And after Wednesday comes Thursday -___- HOSPITAL. Appointment with the dietitian. They will be like super ultra glad that I got my menses back ahhaha. So here a picture of my dinner!

Dinner made with LOVE~

Proud~

HELLO i am so proud of myself HAHAHA. I packed my table like finally after a billion years. And i even vacuumed it. Aw:) Its so clean now i swear the floor is sparking HAHAHA okay not. Well anyway since i packed my table and threw away lots of stuffs like 4-5big plastic bags of things, my table is empty? No not really empty. Just more organised:) Probably will continue to pack the dressing table! That'd take a really short time cause its still in a not-too-bad state:) And will be spending majority of my time in my room now since I moved my laptop and charger all:) YAY means... AIR-CON. :) Anyway its reaally time consuming! I started packing my table from 4pm and I only managed to finish it at 7pm or so! And its just my table. So you can actually imagine how messy it was before:( What I dread most is the day that i have to pack my wardrobe... Cause i will have to throw away some or lots of clothes and shorts and all. And before i throw them away, i'd have to try and see if they still fit. That's going to be so depressing xx darn. UGHUGHZXXXZZZXSXZ. Anywayyy just done with dinner! But didn't had what was intended as Mom and I were busy. She was packing the living room and all too so yeah. No time to cook. So dad went down to buy takeaways for us and himself. He got economic rice! ANDANDAND i so regretted that i didn't tell him how many veg and meat i wanted ._. Guess what? He ended up getting me fish, sweet and sour pork and potatoes -___- Ok nevermind. But it was really starchy because of the potatoes. And the rice was like about 1/2. Yeah. Didn't finish dinner tho. Only no sight of fish was left. The others I couldn't finish. Wait. Or could I? Maybe it's Ed telling me its too starchy and i can choose not to finish, and so i didn't. Honestly, I am not full at all. Not at all. In fact, i am still uhm pretty hungry. So i went to cut some fruits for myself YAY. Fruits are the best:) (L) Ok and I might be watching Breaking Dawn on the internet i guess :) I'll be mindful and try not to get triggered. I've been warned that it'll be triggering! But still, i reallyyyy want to watch it. Okay I'll post about how the movie goes!

You are More

There's a girl in the corner
With tear stains on her eyes
From the places she's wandered
And the shame she can't hide

She says, "How did I get here?
I'm not who I once was.
And I'm crippled by the fear
That I've fallen too far to love"

But don't you know who you are,
What's been done for you?
Yeah don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

Well she tries to believe it
That she's been given new life
But she can't shake the feeling
That it's not true tonight

She knows all the answers
And she's rehearsed all the lines
And so she'll try to do better
But then she's too weak to try

But don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

'Cause this is not about what you've done,
But what's been done for you.
This is not about where you've been,
But where your brokenness brings you to

This is not about what you feel,
But what He felt to forgive you,
And what He felt to make you loved.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

You've been remade
You've been remade.
You've been remade.
You've been remade.

You are more- Tenth Avenue North

Peanut butter nutella love

I was woken up my everyone in the family. Apparently they all woke up very uhm early so i woke up as well LOL @ around 7.45am. Freaking early! So anyway i had peanut butter and nutella before breakfast. I just used a knife and kept eating from the container, its like i am a greedy pig-___- was waiting for the pancakes to be ready so yeah. Anyway today's breakfast kind of adjusted a little. Like had a slice of banana walnut bread and a pancake :D and coffeeee~ With tons of nutella and peanut butter. Ok this two spreads are also my vulnerable foods i realized so i prolly should abstain from it. Anyway to further show that i am really lazy, guess what! I went back to bed. Hahaha not to sleep but sit and read "Unbearable lightness" by Portia De Rossi:) But somehow ok somehow I fell asleep. But not immediately heehee. So slept for like 4hours i think. And lunch time! zzz seriously what is this man! Eat and sleep -.- lunch was the same as planned so yeah it was good. Went well too. And now i am thinking of finding a new job. Need to go to ION to collect my pay asap though and also tell the manager that i want to quit. Kind of find it boring there now. Haven't been working for quite long already ever since i went to a&e on 10 Oct and started recovery. Might go to Vivo sometime soon and check out if Gloria Jeans coffee is hiring. The other time i went they were! So hopefully now too:) Its so much better than staying home doing nothing useful LOL. But if i work, my meals would be a problem:( oh anywayyyyy! Good news:) I think my period is coming back already. I think. Maybe:) will wait till tomorrow and see heehee. If its true means i can exercise already hehe. But a part of me isn't happy that it might be back cause it means that i have enough body fat already. Ugh. But thinking about it, having my period back for good will help my osteoporosis and eliminate all the toxins from my intestines and lalala~. :) okay bye for now I'll post again later :)

i ain't prepared for it to go

I'll talk about the whole day today. What happened and all:) guess it'll be a long post. Woke up @ 9.30am and was reminded of doraemon. Ok totally random but i didn't watch it. missed the show. showered and all and left the house for church with mommy. Initially was intending to KFC to try the a.m. breakfast there. But in the end i didn't want to have breakfast there anymore. Tbh, was kind of scared about the calories and all which is so stupid and pathetic. But i really do want to try it someday. Maybe next Sunday if possible:) so anyway still had breakfast as well. not like i can skip it. went to kallang leisure for breakfast at the foodcourt there. And i practically ordered what i saw. like a lot of food. btw its dim sum. I ate half a char siew soh and egg tart. 1 meat ball stuff stuffed with veggies, a char siew and red bean pau and 3cheeze tofus. That's really nice. Was full after that. As it was still early, went to walk around cold storage with mom to like waste time and all. Haha got my crunchy raisin granola there, it's not sold anywhere else! And it's expensive like $9+ for one bottle. Headed to church after that and yeah. Ok things were pretty bad or rather not-so-good... kind of teared during worship cause i was comparing myself with others around me. Some lost weight, some are naturally thin lucky girls:) And it made me realize how huge/fat i become. Its so upsetting and depressing especially when my anorexic size keeps flashing in my mind. Its so tough to fight it off. It made me feel as if i have done something so wrong by eating that caused me to be like "this" now. Its really uhm idk:( and anyway there's this Japanese Pastor today who came to preach. He's really funny and interesting, his sermon was not boring @ all. And so after service, my cell leader kind of like asked me if i wanted the pastor to pray for me. Initially i didn't want to. But as to receive blessings from his prayers, i somehow agreed. Who won't want to be blessed? Ended up he prayed for my eating disorder as well because my guide told him that i struggled with ed for a year or so. So somehow the pastor prayed for me and told me to like cough out when he said so. I guess its to cough the devil out. But i was holding back... I didn't want ed to go. Honestly, when the pastor was praying for me, i felt blessed. But when it seemed like he was telling God to get ed out of my life and never return, i totally freaked out. I kept holding on to ed, not willing to let it leave me and go. i told it not to. Even so, i mean i still want to recover. But i just dont want to let go of ed completely. Its so hard, i just am not prepared to do so. Everytime when things get better and all, the voice inside speaks louder. it shouts. Its scolding me for what i've done. That i shouldn't have done what i did. Its so ironic. Sigh. Anyway i told mommy about it as we were on our way to Compass point:) Will not elaborate on that. So yes we went to Compass point. Well that's because I thought there was NTUC there! But it was cold storage-____- Mom dont like cold storage:( but i love love cold storage compared to the other supermarkets, so she said I'm so ang moh type LOL. Had late lunch there, and as I was so so tempted to skip lunch cause of what happened, mom went to get my lunch for me:) Thankfully she was there. I needed someone at that time if not i would have starved myself. So.. Had cereal fish for lunch. First time trying it and it wasn't that bad actually. Infact it tasted... like oats, but uhm sweet? Oh and i finally found the book, "Unbearable Lightness" by Portia De Rossi:) Started to read it. After that went to Hougang Mall hahaha for the NTUC LOL. And the rain was so heavy that the vision was so blur, you had to see the headlights to drive. Dangerous! And some cars didn't even turn on their headlights:( Got some groceries for tomorrow and tues and maybe wed's meals as well. Heehee. Bought quite some stuffs thou. First time wrote out a shopping list as a guide! Ok i must say it did work, at least we got what we wanted and more hahaas. Next, went to Kovan to get my dinner, Pontian Wanton Noodle Dry with chilli+black sauce its Number 3 if you order:) Continued with my drama and all and had dinner about 4hours later from lunch. Ok it was nice been quite sometime since I had it? Or maybe not. Lolol. Gonna have some fruits or rather many fruits with pretty much dried cranberries for supper. I know it isn't a proper supper, but have been doing it for a few nights already. Fruits and more fruits mixed with cranberries. Yum. Its something I enjoy without guilt no matter how much i consume:) I mean having lots of them might be high in calories as well but its better than all the junks and its good for my body too. I guess that's why i am sort of ok with having them:) Anyway already wrote out my meals for tomorrow on post-its and pasted it somenear near the stove:)

Here's the plan:

Breakfast- 3 blueberry pancakes + banana + cup of coffee (maybe some peanut butter/nutella/jam as spread! Or ALL. LOL cause i love themmmm) Hope i can have them without guilt. Sigh.
Lunch- Home cooked fried bee hoon:)
Afternoon Tea- Yogurt with raisin granola. Feel like freezing the yogurt or so!
Dinner- Omelette rice + teriyaki chicken + asparagus~
Supper- As usual

Well, so that's the plan. I think i'll stick to it:) with Mom making sure I do. LOL. Staying home tomorrow, so everything is home cooked and the kitchen is stocked up already so yeah. No storages at all, not even the tiniest bit. And will be packing my room i guess:) it's a mess now. Anyway I am really really confused. I dont know what to do, what to look forward to. Ohwell that's all. I just hope tomorrow will be a good start without mood crash and all or the depressing thoughts of self hatred and unworthiness.

title-less

I have to title for this post so its -title-less- LOL. Ok and yeah breakfast was good! Had what was intended heeheehee~ went to Airport T3 to have lunch! Left the choice to my mom only told her the cuisine lah. So like i won't cheat again when i get meals on my own:/ i know its so pathetic to even try save that little amount of calories but i just can't control it. And if i already planned on what to get for my main meals outside, I'd most definitely google the calories first. So yeah. At least i have to eat whatever my mom gets for me so no point checking the calories after. Hahaha its kind of a great idea i guess :) Then we headed down to xin siang jun to buy a basin for dad's work. And home we go!:) Great. It was already around 2.30pm when we reached home and its like nearing snack time. So made home made muah chee with Mom and it was oh-so good. Been a few years since I made them with Mom and ate without fear:) That's a really good feeling ahhaha. Was watching drama again and its getting more intense with each passing episode! Interesting woohoo~ Well i will upload the picture of today's dinner! Blog is so dull without any pictures. Guess I will take photos of all my meals and snacks(maybe) and upload it here:) PICTURES!:D its stir-fry broccoli+mushroom, Stir-fry potatoes+baked beans and salmon fillet!


Nice looking? :)
Its yummmms

Anyway tomorrow will be going to NTUC again. Been going there very frequently cause the foods all run out so so fast hahaha. Going to church tomorrow but only with Mom. Cause its dad's last important day of his work. Lol. And yeah my sis goes to another cburch. Well anyway I promised to have a normal breakfast with her tomorrow when out. Cause usually because of Ed, i only watch. But not eat. Been quite long already:( Oh and tomorrow I'm going swedish! So definitely will take a picture of it :) Having that for lunch @ Suntec. Ohwelllll. wait. Kinda want to go to the Old Airport Road for Breakfast. Yet at the same time, I'd prefer going to Starbucks or Coffee Bean instead. HAHAHA:P And will be going to uhm Seng Kang Compass Point to get stuffs and have dinner. Out the whole day :) Yay. And Monday gonna stay home the whole day too. To pack the house:)
Okay anyway till here :)

Good breakfast leads to a goood day

Good morning! :D its a brand new day~ hehehe. Ok so just had breakfast. Home-cooked:) Chilli and tomato omelette with 2 scallop rolls and yogurt! GREAT LOVE IT (Y) today will be a sorta boring day.. will be heading down to granny's place to deliver the stuffs.:) and after that i guess will be going to kovan or somewhere around that area to have thai food! that's today cuisine. hahaha idk if i did mention earlier. forgotten about it. anyway will be back home after lunch:( what a boring day right! Gah. Pretty much looking forward to today's snack! Mom will be preparing it for meee hahaaha will help out also lah. :) then lalalalala the day ends. Ok this is stupid really boring!:(

First try:))

Had an appointment with Tina today:)) yay. Always looking forward for her sessions. Ok so other than chatting we did some things. She started me on the CBT Therapy. Ok it made sense, so yeah I'll be trying it out. Basically its when negative thoughts sink in and i'll just have to take note about the event and consequences after:) So anyway went baking today @ Phoon Huat somenear at Lorong 23 near Sims Lane:) Learnt the makings of chocolate macaroons and blackcurrant+white chocolate cake! Hehehe. It was a fun and interesting hands-on 4hours of baking! Wanna go for more, but also scared to eat them since I know the amount of butter and cream and sugar and etc. :( anyway today had ed attack during the class... gah. will not talk about that. After that Mom and I went home with 2 7' round tin cake and 40macaroons teehee. Will be bringing a cake and some macaroons over to Granny's place for them to try! Great. After that went home to place the stuffs in the freezer so it becomes ice-cream cakeeee~ andandandand went to NEX after that for my Indonesian cuisine and to get breakfast ingredients for tomorrow:) Had dinner @ the food court and INDONESIAN MEAL OF THE DAY: CHICKEN AYAM PENYET!!! First time trying it and it wad good, just that the chilli was kind of spicy:( Was a good dinner after all heeheehee:) Mom is gonna prepare breakfast again tomorrow! YAY. Had a super long time deciding what i wanted so was walking around with an empty basket -___- Oh dinner will be home-cooked toooo!!:) Will be having Salmon Fillet with lemon pepper already drizzled on it with baked beans and some broccoli:) Breakfast would be good though:) Having uhm 2eggs cooked into an omelette with chilli and tomato tuna with a yogurt and 2scallop rolls:) Thought the scallop rools looked pretty interesting so got them to try heeee. Been out like almost the whole day of today, enjoyed myself much!! And before I forget, tomorrow's cuisine would be THAAAAAIIII:) During lunch! Ok love love thai foodddd spicy:) Well ok I'll update the pictures of the baking outcome when there's no connection sort of problem:)

Chinese Italian, Italian

from the title i think you can somehow figure out alreadyyy! I went on Italian today. Hahaha. Cause ended up Mom decided to drive the car so we didn't go to Ion Orchard instead. Went to NEX for lunch before appointment:)) Dined @ Pizza Hut! Omg the service there is..... POOR. They didn't serve water when we first entered and worse still, no utensils! >:( so yeah. And the bill took a way long time:( Tsk. But the food was not bad. Pretty good :) Initially wanted Bruschetta with Mushrooms and like a Yoguru after but Mom said No. She insisted. So i ended up ordering Seafood Vongole:) And Mom had Fish and chips, the speciality of the day! AND SURPRISE SURPRISE! Ordered Brushetta too! Had one of them. It was great! At least I did get to try what I wanted heehee. I dont know why i cant upload the pictures! Try again once i know whats the stupid problem! Oh anyway appointment @ SGH went kind of well though dr ng still seemed so keen to admit me. Zzz Zzz she told me she's worried.. Ok whatever i don't see a point. Admission might only even make things worse. So headed to Tampines after that! Walked arounnd all the 3 shopping centres and like got myself a book from Times. Titled "Brave Girl Eating" :) And ohoh got a recipe book too(L)
And I changed my mind about the cuisine meals already. After lesson learnt from today. I mean i will still have a different cuisine everyday just that it will be one meal:) Like either lunch or dinner. And if i have it for lunch, dinner I can have anything i crave like any cuisine so the cuisine of the day is included too:) This sounds better right? Hahaha. And tomorrow's cuisine would be Indonesian! Likelihood won't have it twice HAHAHA. And got dorayakis from Four Leaves too! YUM haven't had them in ages. HEHEHE.
Ok i am gonna have my shower now and fruits later before bed. NIGHTS all:)

Going chinese!

YES. Going Chinese later on. no Italian for today! will be postponed to next Friday i guess, after my appointment at sgh. cause mom said we're going to ion we can go lnch at this Chinese restaurant @Wisma. I love love the ramen there:)) ok so today is Chinese food day! honestly i think Chinese foods are.pretty boring Hahaha. but like thankfully its only lunch and dinner! Breakfast will be more of an Italian one cause i didn't want any Chinese breakfast lol. :) it'll be an awesome brekkie later on! yay like 2slices French toast+2scrambled eggs+chorizo sausage+chocolate malt milk. (L) sounds awesome, doesn't it? hehe. and like dinner will get takeaway after appointment:) at heartland mall the kovan marketttt. Zha jiang mian! its the Chinese type not Korean ones. ok and sharing xiao long bao + red bean pancake with mommy. already sounds so sinful to me omg. but yeah will do. so like basically will meals will be out except brekkie and supper:) k i shall go get my beauty sleep now, waking up in 7.5hours time! oh and and I'll go collect my pay at ion later! EXCITED.

A bad start turned good:)

Ok, so as i mentioned in the earlier post, I felt so guilty from all the biscuits:( But glad that i didn't like restrict. Yay heeheehee. Stay home today to help Mom vacuum the house. And anyway mom prepared lunch! Home cooked one hehehe it was yummmmzsxzszxz:) And I took Sertraline again so yeah headache, slept till like 4plus and prepared to go kovan with Mom. Shopped around Cold Storage as always while waiting for her! And had Dinner with dad as well @ Hansik Korean Restaurant~ Yum. With 7 differents kinds of kimchi! Ok so today's korean cuisine was successful~ YAY. First try was such a success. (L) Going on Italian tomorrow! Pizza is a challenge for me, so i won't be having that till I am prepared for it:) Will be heading down to Ion Orchard with Mom to collect my pay and have to go SGH AGAIN SIGH for dr ng's appointment. Everyweek also go hospital tsk. Friday also have to go:( Anyway so intending to have lunch @ Alfresco Gusto, an Italian Restaurant. Most prolly getting Mac and Cheese!!!:) Kinda want muchroom ravioli too gah. Ok tomorrrow's meals are planned well. After appointment will be heading home, Mom will be cooking dinner before going out. :) Just hope appointment will go well tomorrow:)

Guilt sinks in

Ok i feel guilty now. So much for my greediness.. Woke up @ like 6am or so and went to have biscuits. its not one or two, its a whole bunch:( OMG i so feel like killing myself. Seriously I know its not a binge lah cause anyone could have easily snacked on that.. But i just feel like a failure. like why on earth did i eat at weird hours?! Monday also.. today too. ugh, what the hell is wrong with me!! Worse was i even went to calculate the calories. OMG its nuts to me. And i don't feel full. its like so much junks, empty calories. OMGOMGOMG KILL ME SOMEBODY. Why can't I stick to just the dietitian's portions? I know sometimes i eat lesser or sub fruits for snacks and all but days like today reeally make me feel so bad. Now i kind of wanna to skip my appointment:( Ok its a bda start being overwhelmed by guilt. But i hope i won't end up restricting for the rest of the day, and will still follow accordingly to the dietitan's meal plan. Just have to take it as a lesson learnt i guess. LESSON LEARNT: When hungry, eat proper meals so to avoid overeating. and it'll be more filling. compared to junks. OK. Done.

Happy girl today!

YAY uo till now everything went welllll:) OMG its like no Ed attack today.Ed didn't really speak to me. I mean he still did speak a little, especially after dinner. Like telling me to skip supper cause i had a really filling dinner like ADDITIONAL mixed economic beehoon and kway teow with ikan bilis and the nuts together and 2 fishcakes! Not forgetting chilli!!!:) My tummy is still so hot and warm now from all the spicy-ness:) Drank lots of water till the food kind of went up my oesophagus:( OUCH. It was like a hot sensation! MYGOODNESS. Ok anyway today is a good day:) I followed my meal okay hehehe. From breakfast as the first main meal and so on:) Everything was portioned out so no chance to restrict or give way to Ed. And su lynn told me anout she "Fatifying" her meals HAHAHA. Funny girl she is. Ok, in the end didn't went to catch a movie. Was actually intending on watching Breaking Dawn or Already Famous:) But decided not to, haha last min as always. After Breakfast, wemt to pay for the baking lesson on Friday! YAY 3more days~ its a 3 hours lesson, from 1.30pm-3.30pm:) So like I can distract myself from Ed thoughts though its still about food. Ohwell and Mom told me to like prepare myself cause baking is all about butter and more butter. Ok kind of scared when she said that cause its easier to eat desserts without knowong how much butter was added.. But i guess i will try a bite or so:)
After that, we headed to have lunch @ Bedok Point. First time there! Ate @ Kung Fu paradise. Hahaha the place has a cute name uh. Lol. Walked around then went to some place to take pictures of sinks for Daddy and to Grandma's place!!! :) Sat for around and chit chat a lil with granny:) she' so cute, heehee.
So, the next place... was Parkway Parade. Initially told mom to go there so as to get the Cinnamon Toast from Cedele for lunch. But last minute changes so didn't get that in the end:( But got snack there though heeeeheeeeeeee. I love Cold Storage the most! But the things are more expensive? Is it? Idk. Ok so ended up we went to GIANT to get the stuffs and all for lunch tomorrow.:) Oh and I came up with an idea. I think it sounds kind of fun? Ok maybe fun is not a right word, but it is anyway. Like everyday I will be on different country's cuisine for like the main meals! Snacks will be up to me, but usually the usual ones I feel comfortable with:) Final decision, tomorrow will be KOREAN CUISINE. Teehee everything has been planned out already. From breakfast to lunch to tea to dinner to supper. So don't have to care about the meals already. Yay. Ok, i love my day today. I really do:) Will be having home-cooked meals more now:) Mom will be cooking whoohoo love it (L) Will be finding for new recipes too! So that can try out the cooking and all. Ofcourse most of it will be done by Mommy la, I would have burned the kitchen down if on my own LOL. (there's a epic story behind this sentence) From Italian to Mexican to Japanese to Chinese to Malay to Indian(eat out) to Korean to American to Thai to Viet and etc... Some will be whipped up @ Home while some will be eaten out with whoever I am with. That'll be dependent on which cuisine that particular day:)) So I'll be trying out main dishes from different countries. Its a big chance hahaha but hopefully it'll work out. Will see how Day 1 goes tomorrow~

Okay GOODNIGHT

Will it end someday??

I am skeptical. Will Ed ever disappear out of my life? The question is, is it even possible to live a life completely free from Ed after being with it for some time? Will it just let go of me and not try to block my planned out wonderful plans? I. Don't. Know. I. Honestly. Don't. For a split second, Ed came in. Why can't my day just end well, for ONCE without Ed. Even if its just a day, why can't I? My day seemed went so well today but it just ruined it. My mood is low now. I kinda want to get admitted. I don't know why. I guess I don't want to face anything right now? Life is so screwed. Ugh. I honestly think I am very weird. Like why do I keep contradicting myself? I just msged Nicole a while ago.
What I sent her: Sometimes i am so jealous of those anorexics though i know they looked gross and boney and all and like i know ed screwed up my life so much. but i just don't want to let go of it completely? idk what i want:( and everytime i cannot restrict or control myself i feel like a failure. Like its totally opposite ends. I was like such a pro when it comes to restricting yet now i can hardly hang on for more than 2days or so. It feels like crap. I feel like crap. And like sometimes I think that I dont even deserve to be happy cause Ed is in control, even of my emotions. Like i am happy because he allowed it, and when he dont, i cry and all. Mood drops all the way down:(
I constantly tell myself that I hate Ed. sometimes it works, sometimes it doesnt work. Its like am i trying to psycho myself that i hate Ed or do i really hate it? Cause sometimes when I feel like Ed really might leave, I start restricting and all to make Ed stay. I mean seriously lah, what am I doing? Who am i kidding when I say I want to recover? Do i really want it for myself, to regain life, to regain health? Or am I doing so just so that I don't disapoint others who have been through this periods of ups and downs with me? OMG. I dont know i dont know i dont know. I need a brainwash.
I didn't use to have Ed in my life when I was young. Yet once it barged into my life, I can't imagine a life without Ed. I don't know how will be life be. How different will it be? Seeing from all those who have recovered fully from anorexia, it seems like their life is so much more than a lifeless one with Ed.
Yet, I question myself. Will it happen to me, to have a real fulfilling life? Do I even deserve it? Sighhh.
It's a love-hate relationship with Ed. I mean I don't think I love it, but yet I don't hate it so much that I want it completely out of my life.
What's wrong with me?
The reason why i am recovering is to live a life without Ed. And I am not letting go of it completely on my part. See, once again I am contradicting myself.

Ok, I should stop my rant here. Now other than continue eating to like recover for the moment, I don't know what else I can do. Just hope that each passing day will get better.

3/4 Way Through!

Yay I actually Did. Follow. Meal. Plan. From. The. Dietitian. Ok actually not completely, but still I did! Yay super satisfied with Breakfast, it was like I didn't try to throw away or whatever but ate everything down. Won over Ed for this~ Ok apparently I only slept for like 3hours+:( But yeah not really tired during the day though, it was only until mid noon that I got so sleepy. Accompained Mom to CPF central @ Taampines. So... Went there, queued for quite some time and then the person only gave a queue number and told us that we needed to wait for about an hour -___- So, we decided to go NTUC first to like waste time. Got Pancake Mix and snacks and milk and yogurt and blah blah blah. But we only took about half an hour, so it was still like a long wayyyy. Walked back there and waited, and waited and waited. But still, was waiting. Got really pissed with the waiting la. And Mom suggested we go get lunch or something first... But wasn't hungry yet so like nah. Oh And continued waiting. Ok its so stupid, really. But thankfully some numbers ahead of us were called but no one responded! YAY. Finally we got our turn and mom spoke to her and all. Then, we went back to Tampines Mall to grab lunch home as the new fridge was arriving today! Oh btw, it arrived already:) PREETTTTY:) Then after lunch SLEPT, Finally the tiredness was sinking in HAHAHA.
:) Having Home cooked dinner now!:) Ok, and plans for tomorrow. Will be going out with Mom to catch a movie and make payment for the baking classes! Signed up for it! Sounds so fun and a good distraction too:P Signed up for the cheesecake and macaroons one!! Cant wait for hands-on lesson on FRIDAY:):):)
Today has been a great day:) Hope it ends well too!

Malaysia Trip!

Ok, uploaded some pictures aready! It was a good trip overall, with lots of fun and laughter hehehe. Really did let go and enjoyed myself especially with the food. I thought I was going to restrict when I was there cause of the foods, heard that they were pretty oily. But nope, not really. Its like a sense of accomplishment as though I defeated Ed. Hehe -Pats on shoulder!- I mean of course there were sudden attacks from Ed, but I overcame them. I know all of us can do this! :)



This Is Me. Recovering Stage.
Taken at Klana Resort's lobby~


Dearest Mommy & Meee


Mom And I~

First meal upon arriving @ JB!


Aloe Vera Enzyme Drink+ Honey


Otah! Awesome the best otah I ever had!!


Wanton Meeeee

Monday's Lunch @ some unknown place HAHAHA
Well, didn't really like this meal so ate quite little. Not to my liking:(


Seafood Ee Mian


Hong Shao Chicken (I think)


Sweet sour pork! Preferred this over the rest~


Soup!:)


Something like Fried Meatballs


Long Beansssss


Tofu+Broccoli and stuffs!


Fuzhou Fishball Seaweed Soup

Monday's Dinner @ some Restaurant:)


Sliced Fish with Ginger and Onion


Stir-Fried Chinese Cabbage


Kang Kong- Superb


Beef + Tendons


Lamb (Didn't try this)


Beancurd in Minced Meat Sauce- Its sauce is thick, near prefection~!


Roasted and Steamed Chicken

Tuesday's Breakfast Buffet @ Klana Resort~


Spring roll, Chocolate Muffin, Almond Swirl, Butter Cake
LOVE THESE:) SWEET TOOTH YAY


Roti and Dhal (Finally found curry dhal, yum!:P)


Croissants And Marble Cake
(Both are equally nice too~)


Fried Bee Hoon, Pineapple Fried Rice, Coconut Rice

Tuesday's Dim Sum Lunch @ a Restaurant in KL
Nice nice dim sums! Super satisfied and stuffed after that hahaha.





























Tuesday's Dinner the Hakka Way!
Soup~


Steamed Chicken


Pig Knuckles (Was a challenging one! Just a small teeny bit)


Forgotten what this is! Ops


Kang Kong (Not spicy though)


Steamed Fish with Silken Tofu (Most satisfied Dish among the rest!)


Pavilion~
Reminds me of Orchard Road Heehee


Tropical Fruit Platter. (Room Service~ Furama Hotel)

Breakfast Buffet On Wednesday @ Furama Hotel!


Coffee and Plain Congee (Not so nice :()


Muffins, Pastries, Egg Omelette (AWESOME the Egg Omelette seemed so popular! So are the pastries:))


Fried Rice, Mee Goreng, Roti with curry, baked beans, potatoes~
(The first place I saw potaoes from day 1)


Waffle with Maple Syrup, Strawberry Jam (so so sweeeeet)
Oh and Prima Deli's waffle is nicer, more crispy:)


Chocolate Rice+ Banana Crepe

Last Dinner @ San Lou Bee Hoon!

San Lou Bee Hoon (Love Love Love this ttm! Best Fried Bee Hoon I ever tasted)


Fried Fish in some sauce that's why it black LOL (pretty salty!)


Fried Tofu (Crispy with a crunch!)


Bitter Gourd (k, didn't try this. Not a fan of that!)


Kang Kong (Favvvvv~)


Fish! (didn't really like this, almost got chocked by the fish bones eeeks)


Fried You tiao with sauce


Pork Ribs (yumm yum:))


Desserts @ Lavender Bakery!


Desserts @ Lavender Bakery:)
(Had the Mango Macademia nut one:))