Will it end someday??

I am skeptical. Will Ed ever disappear out of my life? The question is, is it even possible to live a life completely free from Ed after being with it for some time? Will it just let go of me and not try to block my planned out wonderful plans? I. Don't. Know. I. Honestly. Don't. For a split second, Ed came in. Why can't my day just end well, for ONCE without Ed. Even if its just a day, why can't I? My day seemed went so well today but it just ruined it. My mood is low now. I kinda want to get admitted. I don't know why. I guess I don't want to face anything right now? Life is so screwed. Ugh. I honestly think I am very weird. Like why do I keep contradicting myself? I just msged Nicole a while ago.
What I sent her: Sometimes i am so jealous of those anorexics though i know they looked gross and boney and all and like i know ed screwed up my life so much. but i just don't want to let go of it completely? idk what i want:( and everytime i cannot restrict or control myself i feel like a failure. Like its totally opposite ends. I was like such a pro when it comes to restricting yet now i can hardly hang on for more than 2days or so. It feels like crap. I feel like crap. And like sometimes I think that I dont even deserve to be happy cause Ed is in control, even of my emotions. Like i am happy because he allowed it, and when he dont, i cry and all. Mood drops all the way down:(
I constantly tell myself that I hate Ed. sometimes it works, sometimes it doesnt work. Its like am i trying to psycho myself that i hate Ed or do i really hate it? Cause sometimes when I feel like Ed really might leave, I start restricting and all to make Ed stay. I mean seriously lah, what am I doing? Who am i kidding when I say I want to recover? Do i really want it for myself, to regain life, to regain health? Or am I doing so just so that I don't disapoint others who have been through this periods of ups and downs with me? OMG. I dont know i dont know i dont know. I need a brainwash.
I didn't use to have Ed in my life when I was young. Yet once it barged into my life, I can't imagine a life without Ed. I don't know how will be life be. How different will it be? Seeing from all those who have recovered fully from anorexia, it seems like their life is so much more than a lifeless one with Ed.
Yet, I question myself. Will it happen to me, to have a real fulfilling life? Do I even deserve it? Sighhh.
It's a love-hate relationship with Ed. I mean I don't think I love it, but yet I don't hate it so much that I want it completely out of my life.
What's wrong with me?
The reason why i am recovering is to live a life without Ed. And I am not letting go of it completely on my part. See, once again I am contradicting myself.

Ok, I should stop my rant here. Now other than continue eating to like recover for the moment, I don't know what else I can do. Just hope that each passing day will get better.