Why i need to get well.

Have to, need to, must get well. A part of my mind tells me "You must die skinny, you are useless and unworthy. Go and die, only when you've lost all the weight". At that point in time, i really felt like that and i was even thinking of doing that. But wait, the right mind tells me this "You can overcome this and you are not a failure till you give up trying". Thinking about it, I'm really glad a part of me has that good voice to keep me fighting on. Bad news, i'm back in the ward. Because of the bad mind :@ caused me to be suicidal and having a loss of appetite. And like, since i am in the ward now, it did helped to regulate my eating and helped in my mood. I do want to get out so badly, but probably not till I've let go of the thought of suicide, and probably more of the i want to lose weight mentality once i get out. I really don't want to live that life again, with ana. I hated that period of my life, being controlled and having to say, not being able to eat. It makes me sick. So i have to get out of ed before it drags me back into hell again. School's starting in less than a month, ahhh so nervous but yet anticipating to go back to school! :) its a motivation to get well and hang out with my clique like before, so much joy. My biggest motivation now is to graduate from poly without another deferment and next, with good grades going in to NYU (new york university) to study a degree major in forensics science:) So ambitious. Haha. I miss outside life, outside food. I need to get out of depression and ed. I have to. And I will. :D

Focus on the right things.

I feel no heartaches anymore. Haha, kinda expected but ohwell yay I guess:) Just had some thoughts, i just wanna focus on recovery, studies, family, friends and especially God. I've neglected all of those, so so much and these are the important things in my life. I need and I want my life back, everything proper. That's all I'm asking for. Xx. Relationships, time will bring me there let nature take its course teehee:) I choose to life everything into God's hands instead of my own. I just want to focus on being myself, being someone whom I want to be. My personality, the way i handle stuffs, there's so much to learn! Take time to learn, have pace and momentum. :D Anyway, can't wait for tomorrow! So excited hehe. Gonna go collect my pay and going ice skating with Shir. Never once did that before, but I'm sure it'll be fun. Update more tomorrow Xx

cherish

Woke up to a very shocking piece of news, that the first friend i ever made in the ward has passed away yesterday evening. It was really a shock, extremely and up till now i still cant accept the fact that she's gone. sigh. She has decided to end her life on her own yesterday and I really don't know why. Such a sweet looking girl, maybe thought that life brings nothing to her, no joy but depression, ed and isolation just decided to leave everyone without saying a goodbye, that's the toughest part to accept. I do not know how exactly she died but it was a sudden death so yeah. really, sigh. So much regret within me, i know that i could have done more when i was with her, in the ward. And to keep in contact with her when i left the ward. And not to have left her alone in both circumstances to struggle and fight alone. My deepest regret. I'm so sorry, XT. I don't know where you are now, but i hope that you are in a better place cause you don;t deserve all the mess and screwed up sadness life has bought you. Please, no matter where u are, take care of yourself and may angels be with you. From her death, I learnt quite a lot. That you'll never know where life is going to bring you, for the good or for the bad. I mean, so isn't it better to try and strive for what you want, to help who u want, to care, to love, to be to accompany people around you when you have the time instead of outcasting them. Work for what u want, do what you want when you have the time. Don't keep dragging on and on thinking that you have tons of time cause in reality, no one knows how much time is left for you. Don't let depression cause you to isolate yourself. Don't let ED take charge of your life. A fellow fighter has left, do you want anymore to leave? Ofcourse NOT. So, start doing something about your life, about the Ed and depression, don't let them take your life away. It's definitely not worth it. Lastly, learn to cherish. Cherish, Cherish, CHERISH. Not just people around you, but your OWN LIFE. Start loving yourself, make your life better. Don't say "f, i hate my life, I rather die" cause if you really died, there's bound to be a ton of regret inside of you. Please, treasure your own life, you're on planet earth for a reason. <3 Love to everyone Xx

:')

have a good dayy Xx

when the skyfalls.

yeap, the title is from the song sang by adele, skyfall. Like that song thanks to the nurse previously when i was in the ward. Hahah. anyway hope you guys have been well! Havent blogged for quite some time i know, hehe. Life's been okay, much better than before i'd say. Did not restrict not much at least and have been purge free! For maybe two weeks plus aalready :D GOOD NEWS. Anywaay, yesterday was a great day. Shir stayed over the day before and yesterday we went out to like shop, which wasted money ofcourse (how i wish i had unlimited cash) but at least i liked what i bought! Apparently she chose it for me hehe. So thankful. <: then, we met up with su! YAY FINALLY MY BF. HAHAHAHA. Best friend ok. SO happy, two of my fav people met each other and liked each other. what a blessed blessing from God <: we had dinner at PANDELICIOUS, its serving was okay but not exactly so filling if you ordered the sweet one. But both sweet and savoury looks equally good! and while waiting for su, we were camwhoring hehe. thats the good part. Mood has been slightly down for like the past two days. It was a hard hit on me, the thought that I feel that i am fat and ugly. And that anyone who said that I was pretty are all lying, cause i cant see myself the way they do. ahh that feeling, sucks so much. And i still do feel that way, i dont know why and i hope that the feeling will pass. :O anyway photos i'll upload tomorrow <: