Just a summary:)

Hey peeps. Haven't blogged for quite some time already, been feeling pretty lazy and busy. Heh. So just a summary...
School started last monday! Honestly, when I first went to school, I felt really alone I just want to cry and stuff. Cause everyone went for orientation week 0 except for me. But in times like this, that's when I see the glory of God, how amazing he is. Let's just say that from Day 2, I've a group of friends already. That's amazing right? And they are a group of really awesome people! Which I really really thank God for. :) Hopefully as time pass by, we'll get to know each other betterxxx And for the first week, been packed with school and appointment! Well 3 appointments in one week and since there's no tutorials and lab work on week 1, been having lunch out w Mom before appointments. Like everything's all just in time that sort of stuff. Just on appointment days. Didn't go to school on Friday tho, went home after I saw Tina. Sickkkk. Overnight. No freaking idea what happened, it was like an all of a sudden thing, so yeah. :( Pretty sad.. And today's sunday, now I'm @ home and honestly, it feels really weird and especially very very boring to be home on Sundays. :( Time is like not moving at all:( I wonder when will the day actually end... And then there's school tomorrow, starting off with 3 hours of Organic Chemistry Lab followed by lectures till 3pm. And yay end school! Whooo. Hahaha. Lab workkkk! Been a year since I did lab work, oh and that reminds me to do the elab thing beforehand:) Heee. And yay, I'm happy cause I made another new friend. Hahaa, she's also battling Anorexia. Freaking Ana. Yes I've never actually seen her before, just text and fb and stuff and she seem like a really nice girl:) I'm sure she is anyway. No one is bad by nature:) Besides school, life's not really good. I've been struggling honestly yes yes yes. S-T-R-U-G-G-L-I-N-G. *pronounce it* Meals been much of a disater, restricting, followed by bingeing. Not big in quantity but still, its not normal? Like Idk how to explain its just messed up eating. Only thursay I really ended up bingeing? Yes, that was a binge. To me it is:( With all the guilt and urges to get the food out, it was really hard. I didn't vomit it out, but I just hate it I hate that I have such messed up eating. I hate it that I can't actually eat normally like a noraml person wihout restricting or overeating. I hate having all this weird eating... It seriously makes me feel so shitty lousy. Bleah. I'd really want to get rid of it, who wouldn't? I want to be normal, yet it seems so far. It sounds so easy but reaching that stage is yet another issue that's so hard. So ohmygoodnessssss. Ugh. But still, I believe that its possible and achievable:) So the past few down days are not gonna pull me down I'm back on my feet again. Yay I'll make this work. :D Yay Yay Yay ok it'll succeed one day!! Self assurance, w'ev you think of it as. :) Thank God there's mom with me to make sure that I do eat as well, which really helps a lot too:) But still, I want to be responsible for my own eating. Especially in school. It'll definitely pose as a challenge, but i'll still try. :D Oh and yes! I signed up for skating which is roller blading! Hahaha, it sounds really fun. Pretty interested in it, so yeah, starts on Friday and whooo can't wait to check it out:) And a quote again!
"Surround yourself with positive people who will guide you through your darkest clouds and help you to reach the stars" :)

One day, one day.

I'll wait and stay strong till the day I'm free.
Free from the Eating Disorder.
Free from Calorie counting.
Free from "forced" exercising.
Free from Doctors.

Everything.

One day.

The pain and struggles I'm facing will be worth it,
It'll mold me into a stronger person

Dinner was not good!

Not in the best of mood now, yeah. Cause dinner was not good. Ed attack. And yes, I gave it. Not totally, but still, I did gave in. Even the slightest would be considered, right? Had dinner @ Magic Wok with parents and grandma! And yet... It wasn't bad but just wasn't good:( Anyway, had therapy today! On self-esteem. How to work towards a positive self esteem, the middle ground. :) For most Ed patients, I suppose our self esteem tend to be at the self-defeating shame? For me, it is. And for some egoistic ones, they tend to have self-defeating pride. Both are unhealthy! Self esteem should be healthy, appreciative etc. Not on either ends. So I'll work towards that! It'd be good to feel comfortable with myself, in all aspects. :) Don't you think so? Oh. And although dinner wasn't good, there's still something good everyday! I had MacD's Sausage& Egg McGriddles SET for breakfast! I wanted it, muahaha. As it was a set, it included hashbrown and a drink. For me, Iced Milo! It was a filling and satisfying breakfast. GREAT. I'd be better if I had maple syrup to go along with the hashbrown! Something I like about hotcakes, it has maple syrup. That makes me happy:) Going back to dinner. No, going back to "giving in" to Ed. I was quite pissed @ myself after that, and pretty much regretted cause I think I made my parents start thinking... About Ed and slipping and "what's gonna happen when school starts" etc. Which I really hate it I hate worrying them about Ed issues. It makes them upset too. Which ugh makes me mad. Not mad, just at a loss. But came up with something! Mom said she's gonna cook dinner everyday. Weekdays! It'd be good, at least there's a decent meal that I would have for sure. Without any Ed inference. I can't imagine being left on my own to settle all of my meals now. It's really not gonna work when I haven't really tried. So yeah. Will try. :) Definitely, I have to be responsible for my meals and my body toooo. So yeap. School's on MONDAY. Time is passing by so quickly now. OMG WHYYYYY. ): but yay saturday tomorrow! As I said, going Cedele for Brunch. And guess what? I'm gonna cook my own dinner tomorrow! Watch out for pictures which will leave you drooling heeheehee. Provided if its a success!- You know I suck @ cooking sadly. But @ least I can bake! :D

To end this, QUOTE TIME!
"You can never quit.
Winners never quit,
and quitters never win"

New look!

How's the new blogskin? Hahaha it actually took me hours to do it, which was extremely time consuming. But I like it :P Hahaha, I chose tons of blogskin and copy paste but ended up changing and changing. Imagine that-.- Seriously. Ohwell @ least its all done. Now, school. SCHOOL. I can't log in to the student portal. Not even now and school's starting on Monday. Ugh even the asa people couldn't help... Well, deferement case really that complicated? Anyway, went to the wet market with Mom today morning! She was gonna prepare lunch and dinner since sist's friend was coming over. It was like some fashion show just now. Lol. Ahhh love home cooked food, it makes me happy and I feel good eating that. But the Ed is also definitely stronger when Mom cookes. Pretty much like that for me. But it was good. And you know what? I love onions. stirfried ones. LOVE. Mad good!:D Didn't do much today also. Was just glued to my laptop since morning till dinner, and now. Hahaha. Which is not a really good way to spend the day. Yes it's not. Oh, tomorrow's friday! That means appointment with Tina. Yaaaaayyy. :D I always look forward to it, just that tomorrow's therapy I wonder how will it turn out. Perhaps I'll get emotional or something. Looking forward to it and I'll talk about that tomorrow! And then there's physio after. Wow haven't really stretched my muscles for quite some time, so I am absolutely looking forward to that. My Friday routine is pretty much the same, appointments and either out or home. Tomorrow would be- Home:) And I can't wait for saturday I'm going to GreenWich to meet LJ for brunch/lunch @ Cedele! Whooosoundssogoooodheavens! Haven't met up with her for 3 weeks already I think. Or 2? So yay I'll see her on Saturday. No concrete plans after that so anyone wanna go out? Hahaha tell me ok!

And to end this, a beautiful quote!!
"You must try to generate happiness within yourself. If you aren't happy in one place, chances are you won't be happy anyplace"

Random dinner!

Good evening! Had appointment with the dietitian today, and phew it was good. Well, yes it was. She saw my food diary after so long say three weeks hahaha and at least I was having regular meals which was good. Just have to work further on my meals choices that I eat most of the time cause some its dominated by Ed. Well and I'm glad to say dinner I had what I actually wanted. And yay made another improvement in 3weeks! By completing tasks that I was supposed to:) *pats on shoulder* calorie counting has also decreased! Whooo. Thank God. I mean, there still is, but I'll work towards that. Breakfast was great, mom prepared it, and it was good. Hahahaha bananas! :P Yum. And guess what? I saw the dietitian for an hour... That's super long, I know but it didn't felt like it was that long. Honestly, I like seeing the dietitian cause she assures me and tells sense and all to me which makes sense since they're qualified. So it pretty much makes Ed feel really stupid and she helps in assuring me that whatever Ed said were just lies. Headed to Bedok Interchange after that to get lunch before going to Gran's place. The food there... Not really interesting so nothing caught my eye. So, ended up with the most typical meal- rice and dishes. Not cheap ok! And got Selegie's Red Bean Soy Milk Cold. So good I like Red bean but I love Soy Milk. LOL. Exceptionally yummy since it was a super ultra hot day. :D And went to meet SL after that! Not straight after la, lol. Mom drove me to serangoon well cause I slept and woke up late, so yeah. Thanks Mom<3 We walked to Upper Thomson Road and she was introducing the food centres to me here and there. Hahahaha but seems like the 2 good food stalls already closed shop, sadly. One was "Chocolat &Spice"! Heard about it from Jo before but never get to try it:( Hahaha walked around before we finally on an impromptu dinner consisting of a bakery bun from Yijia Bakery and IceCream On Waffle from Salted Caramel. :D It was good! Hahahaha. Sweeeeet dinner. The waffle and icecream was reaaally sweet cause of the maple syrup but still it was awesome. I'll upload the pictures taken today and the lunch @ Jack's Place and dinner @ Siam Kitchen! Sorry for the delay xxxxx

Lunch @ Jack's Place with Mum:)

Grilled fish with watercress sauce

Grilled chicken

Dinner @ Siam Kitchen with Dad:)

French Bean!

Tom Yum Seafood Soup!

(really thick taste)

Fried Thai Fish Cake- A must try!

Today's Dinner!

@ Salted Caramel!

SL & I! @ YIJIAAAAA:)

My Horlicks Tim Tam Ice cream on Waffle+maple syrup!

SL's Peanut Butter Ice Cream On Waffle+maple syrup!

Raisin Cheese Bakery Bun

Raisin Cheese & Ham+ Egg Bakery Buns

:)

I will make tomorrow a better day, I promise.

"The sky isn't always blue. The sun doesn't always shine. So it's okay to fall apart sometimes, but always remember to get up again" <3

Recovery.

Recovery is Possible.
It's worth it, it'll be.

Solo Meals w Mom&Dad!

Heeeey so as I was saying, I went out on Saturday for dinner with my dad! Ended up dining @ Siam Kitchen instead as he wanted to have the Seafood Tom Yum soup. Was a good dinner tho, especially with prawn crackers! Been ages since I ate them. Oh, and a gay couple was sitting directing opposite us! Any idea how embarrassing it was? To be facing that direction and trying not to look @ the both of them behaving intimately? Gross. Actually I didn't realise that until my dad told me! Ahhhaas, quite grossed out by them. :/ And today, headed to Tp to collect my Matrix card before watching Mirror Mirror with Mom @ Century! Was quite a funny show and it actually taught some morals... Seriously. And I didn't attend orientation today, well not because I don't want to but I didn't know about the details and stuff guess mine was different cause its a deferment case, a lil or rather very much complicated. Can't log into the student portal, so who knows about the timetable... So dead. Emailed the course manager and he got me to call another guy which I'd do so tomorrow morning. And I totally forgotten that the case manager knows that I'm recovering from anorexia. Like I deferred to be hospitalised for treatment. So OMG. Not really looking to school tho, kinda scared about what my previous schoolmates will say, since I've put on like 10+kg from my lowest weight. Which really scares me. I'd be really really affecting both mood and eating wise. Dammnnnn. If only people could actually be more sensitive about what they say, lol they've no idea how big a difference their comment can make. K, skip that. School's starting officially on the 23rd April. Apparently, no go orientation = no friends = lonely-.- Ahahaha. Its kinda sad that tomorrow's orientation starts late afternoon and its stayover night! But I've got piano lesson and 2appointments on Wed early in the morning so I can't go either. Friday's there's some idk what activity and I've 2 appointments tooo. My life is revolving around all appointments from SGH seriously.
Besides stuffs about school, I've to admit that I've been struggling a lil. Which I hope will not go downhill... Yesterday for instance, I wasnt really full from lunch so I wanted a durian waffle and mom got it for me. But upon ordering, I suddenly felt the guilt you know? Like ugh. But managed to have a bit, just not the whole thing. Offered here and there, whhich ended up I ate the least when I wanted it. :( And today, went out for lunch with Mom @ Jack's Place. Well, I ordered some grilled fish with watercress sauce. It came with a baked potato, and I refused to have the cream and bacon. I mean I'd have eaten it it'd make the potato look nicer too lol. And I didn't. Idk what's wrong with me today. Dinner too, I got so paranoid over how much rice was given to me but thankfully I still ate what was portioned out for me so that's still fine. No guilt until now yaaayy:) I guess I'm just really stressed about going back to school. No idea why, but I feel shame, disgusted and all the negative things you can possibly think of on myself. Which sucks big time. Oh, but I received something really good from Sunday's sermon, that Grace is given by God +++. No just once, but thrice or more! How awesome is that:) Heee. Made a new friend today too, which really made my day. Feel like I can talk to her though I think she's a year younger then me:) Well, I think its always easier to talk to someone going through the same thing for now? At least they'd understand and give the support I need which really really means a lot<3 Amazing people:) aanddd recovery is really really hard, I honestly don't know what to expect when I return back to school. K that really worries me, I wanna continue studying yet @ the same time I can't stop being self conscious. Perhaps constantly reminding myself of the quote and telling myself to hang in there move on to a brighter future carefree ed free life might really help:) I might not be able to stop Ed-ish behaviours immiediately but @ least decreasing them would help in my recovery:) YEEEEAHHHHOOOOO. It's possible.

I'll not give up

Hey guys:) Saw Tina yesterday morning and it was good. Overshot an hour. Sometimes, an hour is not enough for an update of a week or so? Heh. She's really got me thinking and I'm really glad that I've her help in recovery other than my family and friends. She really gave me the comfort I needed by telling me that she's gonna help me find out who am I really. Without Ed. Honestly, I'm scared. But I know that it'd be better. :) Therapy's gonna start on Friday and well... I think it might get emotional! I cry really easily nowadays... GGGGGG.com:( But still, I have to face it. Yesterday wasn't a really good day, @ night. Felt really useless suddenly and lonely. Really empty like there's a void inside of me. Ugh. Talked to Jolynn and I'm really happy she was there:) Her advices did help, and especially this quote- "Don't do something for someone because you want them to care about you. Do something for someone because you care about them".Its a good quote, right? It hit me really hard inside and I was thinking, reflecting about what have I been doing. Say, just in terms of recovery since its taking up a big part of my life. A part of me still holds on to recovery, is still really afraid of letting go of Ed. But the bigger part of me is fine living a life without Ed. Why am I holding on to Ed? All along, I always thought that I didn't dare let go completely of Ed was because of the fear that I'd be back at the size when I was once fat. That was the greatest fear that was holding on to Ed. But then, there's no 100% guarantee that I'd be back like that size right? In fact, I've been told by the dietitian that I won't. But why is it just so hard to trust them? Only to realise that there are also a couple of reasons that I'm still not letting go of Ed completely. I fear that no one would care about me anymore, I fear that I'd be all alone and that if I'm declared healthy and free from Ed, no one would actually show concern for me and bother about my health. Turns out to be attention seeking. Well, sort of. Ed made me that way. Attention especially from the people I love most. Other than that, it doesn't really bother me. But by holding on to it, I'd just be torturing the ones I love most. And its really upsetting. To do what I know is wrong and continue doing it. The quote struck me in the sense that I should change my way of thinking. If I really cared for the people that matters so much to me, I wouldn't be hurting them. Especially with the threat of Ed. I'd be sharing their burden with them instead of adding on to it. So, I'm really extremely glad that I spoke to Jolynn last night! Of all people, why her? Heh. I guess God had planned it already and yay. Awesomeeee. Thanks Jolynn sis!:) So so so much. And YSL! Remember that time you told me to tell you that I still wanted to get well, that sentence before I left? And you remember my answer don't you! I said, "I do, well @ least for now I think I do". But now, I do. I really do. Not saying that I lied to you that time but aiya you get what I mean la! And I hope to continue to want to get well forever. I really hope that one day, I'd have done something that'd show that I did something to show that I really care for them and not trying to get them to care for me. And the first thing I can actually think of was to really let go of Ed and not holding on to it. Not even a tiny bit. It'll be tough, I know. I've said it like super a lot of times already but this time I think it really struck me the hardest. From that single quote alone. Which could actually make a difference:) Hopefully. Ahhh. Maybe one day, just one day I'd really be free and be happy from the bottom of my heart, not living life aimlessly. Oh, and I watched a movie on the plane that day- lovesick. Its a romance and comedy chinese movie. The main actress, Ariel Lin(real name), was once hurt by her ex. They were really a lovely couple @ the start of the show, but then, the ex entered the music industry and got famous. His name's aaron in the show. Ariel Lin gave him support and attended all his concerts and all, only to find out that Aaron was having some sort of affair with this woman who approached him and bought him to the industry. Yes obviously AL was super upset and her life was really screwed, she was at absolute pit bottom. But one day, she decided to get over him and live once again. It was tough, the journey of trying to forget him and to guard her heart, fearing of gettting hurt again. She then joined ADW, an organisations run by 3 of her aunts. They taught her about guys, bla bla how unworthy they are and all sorts of nonsense. Only till one day, she met this guy, Bolin Chen(real name). She did stupid things in between thou she was obviously into him. Yet she was just trying to prove that he was no different from other jerks. (but that's not tha main thing I'm saying) And a friend of AL, told her that there's true love, that it exsists. She was brainwashed by the aunts so she didn't really buy it, so she asked her friend why does she say so. Her friend said something that- not meeting him now doesn't mean that he's not there, just keep believing that there is one out there. And the movie carried on.... Till one day, Bolin Chen left for Beijing with another colleague which liked him. AL went after him, yet she felt that she should let him go after hom dreams which was in BeiJing, as she did not want to be so selfish. So she told BC to go and never come back again. She was really hurt, but she faked as thou she was happy that he left her. Then, her ex, Aaron, met her. She was really mad when she saw him duh, and punched him HAhaha, Not the point. And she then said to the crew alongside Aaron that she loved BC, a lot that she really loved him. BC, on the other hand in BJ, saw the news and went back for her. And tada, happy ending la. Its really messed up so sorry x But I learnt from the movie. That being hurt once, doesnt mean that I have to fear living that same life again cause things actually change. And its a risk, but that doesn't mean that it'd change for the worse. It might change for the better if I do put in the effort:) Also taught me to be courageous, to take that step of faith even if I do not know what lies ahead. But its better than avoiding it and end up regretting why I didn't try it at that time, right? Well, it applies a lot on my recovery. :) And I do hope to be like AL in the show, (not about guys!) to have the courage to face the uncertain even though she was hurt before and also to let go of all the nonsensical stuffs she heard. And that things will eventually get better. K, I don't know if it makes any sense but I hope it did! Its tough to type it out like that haahhahas. And I'm not gonna say that I'd totally do very well in recovery tho I got really encouraged but I will continue trying. Now, to let go of Ed, completely. Doing something for myself, and for the ones I care for. It'd be tough, but worth it. :') Anyway I'll be having dinner with dad later! @ Parkway probably, before picking Mom from cell group. Gonna dine @ some restaurant apparently, dad did mention Fish&Co. So yayyyy. I'll take pictures heee. :)

Whoowhhooowhoo!

Yay I'm back home after... 11days in Taiwan! Had an awesome time there, took tons of random photos and bla. Good experience heh. K anyway I'll upload them later or something. Have to catch my sleep already! Ciao:)