Why i need to get well.

Have to, need to, must get well. A part of my mind tells me "You must die skinny, you are useless and unworthy. Go and die, only when you've lost all the weight". At that point in time, i really felt like that and i was even thinking of doing that. But wait, the right mind tells me this "You can overcome this and you are not a failure till you give up trying". Thinking about it, I'm really glad a part of me has that good voice to keep me fighting on. Bad news, i'm back in the ward. Because of the bad mind :@ caused me to be suicidal and having a loss of appetite. And like, since i am in the ward now, it did helped to regulate my eating and helped in my mood. I do want to get out so badly, but probably not till I've let go of the thought of suicide, and probably more of the i want to lose weight mentality once i get out. I really don't want to live that life again, with ana. I hated that period of my life, being controlled and having to say, not being able to eat. It makes me sick. So i have to get out of ed before it drags me back into hell again. School's starting in less than a month, ahhh so nervous but yet anticipating to go back to school! :) its a motivation to get well and hang out with my clique like before, so much joy. My biggest motivation now is to graduate from poly without another deferment and next, with good grades going in to NYU (new york university) to study a degree major in forensics science:) So ambitious. Haha. I miss outside life, outside food. I need to get out of depression and ed. I have to. And I will. :D

Focus on the right things.

I feel no heartaches anymore. Haha, kinda expected but ohwell yay I guess:) Just had some thoughts, i just wanna focus on recovery, studies, family, friends and especially God. I've neglected all of those, so so much and these are the important things in my life. I need and I want my life back, everything proper. That's all I'm asking for. Xx. Relationships, time will bring me there let nature take its course teehee:) I choose to life everything into God's hands instead of my own. I just want to focus on being myself, being someone whom I want to be. My personality, the way i handle stuffs, there's so much to learn! Take time to learn, have pace and momentum. :D Anyway, can't wait for tomorrow! So excited hehe. Gonna go collect my pay and going ice skating with Shir. Never once did that before, but I'm sure it'll be fun. Update more tomorrow Xx

cherish

Woke up to a very shocking piece of news, that the first friend i ever made in the ward has passed away yesterday evening. It was really a shock, extremely and up till now i still cant accept the fact that she's gone. sigh. She has decided to end her life on her own yesterday and I really don't know why. Such a sweet looking girl, maybe thought that life brings nothing to her, no joy but depression, ed and isolation just decided to leave everyone without saying a goodbye, that's the toughest part to accept. I do not know how exactly she died but it was a sudden death so yeah. really, sigh. So much regret within me, i know that i could have done more when i was with her, in the ward. And to keep in contact with her when i left the ward. And not to have left her alone in both circumstances to struggle and fight alone. My deepest regret. I'm so sorry, XT. I don't know where you are now, but i hope that you are in a better place cause you don;t deserve all the mess and screwed up sadness life has bought you. Please, no matter where u are, take care of yourself and may angels be with you. From her death, I learnt quite a lot. That you'll never know where life is going to bring you, for the good or for the bad. I mean, so isn't it better to try and strive for what you want, to help who u want, to care, to love, to be to accompany people around you when you have the time instead of outcasting them. Work for what u want, do what you want when you have the time. Don't keep dragging on and on thinking that you have tons of time cause in reality, no one knows how much time is left for you. Don't let depression cause you to isolate yourself. Don't let ED take charge of your life. A fellow fighter has left, do you want anymore to leave? Ofcourse NOT. So, start doing something about your life, about the Ed and depression, don't let them take your life away. It's definitely not worth it. Lastly, learn to cherish. Cherish, Cherish, CHERISH. Not just people around you, but your OWN LIFE. Start loving yourself, make your life better. Don't say "f, i hate my life, I rather die" cause if you really died, there's bound to be a ton of regret inside of you. Please, treasure your own life, you're on planet earth for a reason. <3 Love to everyone Xx

:')

have a good dayy Xx

when the skyfalls.

yeap, the title is from the song sang by adele, skyfall. Like that song thanks to the nurse previously when i was in the ward. Hahah. anyway hope you guys have been well! Havent blogged for quite some time i know, hehe. Life's been okay, much better than before i'd say. Did not restrict not much at least and have been purge free! For maybe two weeks plus aalready :D GOOD NEWS. Anywaay, yesterday was a great day. Shir stayed over the day before and yesterday we went out to like shop, which wasted money ofcourse (how i wish i had unlimited cash) but at least i liked what i bought! Apparently she chose it for me hehe. So thankful. <: then, we met up with su! YAY FINALLY MY BF. HAHAHAHA. Best friend ok. SO happy, two of my fav people met each other and liked each other. what a blessed blessing from God <: we had dinner at PANDELICIOUS, its serving was okay but not exactly so filling if you ordered the sweet one. But both sweet and savoury looks equally good! and while waiting for su, we were camwhoring hehe. thats the good part. Mood has been slightly down for like the past two days. It was a hard hit on me, the thought that I feel that i am fat and ugly. And that anyone who said that I was pretty are all lying, cause i cant see myself the way they do. ahh that feeling, sucks so much. And i still do feel that way, i dont know why and i hope that the feeling will pass. :O anyway photos i'll upload tomorrow <:

Family time

Hello how's cny going for you? :D mine has been rocky. Ed thoughts getting strong during this season, and it was really hard not to give in to it. ): Times i did, times i didn't well at least i did not give in completely. HAHA. I honestly hate this season, well other than the ang paos i received. So glad that for me, visiting already ended and that means being free from all those feared foods and feared comments again. Yknow it call affect a lot. But thank god, I did not interact much with those relatives who do not know about my condition so I felt a teeny bit better as they did not comment or don't have a chance to. :D Been restricting during those visiting times as well, i just couldn't take it it was really pressurizing ahh. Mood crashed yesterday as well, it was so much to handle. Just wanted to go home and hide. Anyway. the best part... Today! Slept till 3ishpm after having my breakfast about 9am, it was good. Mum cooked oats for me, but still, the hospital oats came to mind. It was really good, I miss the hospital's one. An awewsome family time today, hanged out at i12 katong with family and watched a movie there. Journey to the west, It was actually really funny thought a lil no sense but well, at least everyone was laughing and i guess thats a good show if you're in the not-in-a-good-mood day:) And had my late lunch at Charly T's! The food was really good and affordable! I love what I ordered, photos up. Definitely gonna go back for more! Tomorrow Evan is coming over, I am so excited. It will be a good day tomorrow with her. Meeting Meg on friday, equally excited. Teehee. Enough said, be jealous after looking at the pics xx Follow me on instagram! weilinxox

:)

Hello! Feeling so happy right now. HAHA. Finally talked to my lil bro. Haha made me miss him so much. So entertaining. And just now, was playing on the bed with Meg. Actually was playing with the buttons on the bed, and its called "Aladdin and the flying carpet" HAHAHA how entertaining! Totally bought my mood up hehe. Thank god for people and friends and everyything. Another good news, DISCHARGE tomorrow after prog! DISCHARGE DISCHARGE^^ Day prog on thurs and fri. Hopefully Evan will be on outside food so fri can go somewhere else for lunch:) Start work next monday, $7/hr. Really hairpee bout that. Life's finally back on track again, meeting my fav clique also. That's the best part of everything. Gonna have dinner at Ice Edge Cafe tomorrow near my place! Missed the ribs and lava cake. Kinda worried about going home though, about the meals and urges to bp. ugh. Be yourself, everyone else is already taken. Till then, xx

A good day it shall be

GOOD MORNING:D Just had my daily fix of breakfast in the ward! One of my favs, oats and bread and it was good. Sweet oats. And well, having it come with jam and butter, I am starting to think of butter as a source of energy as well and not just all fats. Which really helped. :) So... going down for program later, day 2. Yesterday's one was just fine, but i was so sleepy i couldn't concentrate at all. aha. Today's program will include baking! Excited really, wondering what would we be baking and photos will be up for that. Teehee. I hope today will be a good day, for me and for everyone. Have a good day everyone:) Quote: You've gotta dance like there's nobody watching, Love like you'll never be hurt, Sing like there's nobody listening, And Live like its HEAVEN on EARTH. - William W. Purkey

Love this song.

meaningful visit

Thankful that Shu Qi came to visit yesterday noon. And we watched a sermon about addiction. It struck me honestly, and kinda got my faith back and yes thank God for her, she helped me so much and had always been helping me I'm really grateful for her. and that. She talked really a lot of sense and truths, and i realized i had misconceptions about God. All along, I thought that God will ultimately bring me to where I was meant to be and that no matter what choices I make, God will ultimately "force" me to the plans that he has for me/ But I came to realize that that's actually a misconception because we all have FREE WILL. That's a gift from God too, no? I believe that every good thing comes from God as there is no coincidence in the Earth filled with so many miracles and etc. Came to really realize that no matter what choices i make, i chose them and that God is watching over me, which means that everything will turn out well. I mean, yes. Maybe after sometime, I might face smtg not so good but I believe that the end product is going to be good because God is in it with me, he walked the paths before I did and carried me, led me through it thats why there's only a pair of footprints in the sand. So much love from Him. And we talked about future, what do I want to do with my life. I've been wasting away, to an Ed and never have I really tried of ways to make my life fruitful and never have I tried my best to fight it, to beat it out of my life. In fact, Honestly, i just let the days pass by and go with the flow. I have dreams, what I want to be in the future, the kind of man I want to marry etc. But I have no timeline. When am I going to graduate? I've no idea because I do not plan, so I have to timeline which means that I allowed for time to just pass by without me putting in efforts to stop it. Eg, deferment. Its already my second deferment. By right, I should be graduating with my last year's class next year but because of ed, it had to drag on. I wasn't cool with the idea but I did nothing NOTHING to stop it, I was just so agreeable and neither did I put in efforts to study hard in the ward. Because I did not plan a timeline, even for school. I really have to, have to start doing it, things that I want to do in a time frame if not I can really assure everyone that I won't be doing anything I've always wanted to do. Actions ultimately is bigger than words. DO, not just SAY. And regards to the sermon, as I said earlier it was about addiction. How people are addicted to many things/anythings in life. It need not necessary be those common ones, like smoking or drugs. It is more than that. Being so absorbed in "that thing" that people forgot about god because those addiction blinded them, and they couldn't see. Like, bad habits that someone keeps doing is also an addiction. Being so absorbed about my Ed is also an addiction. There's really more to life than being sucked into the addiction that you are in to. Everyone is definitely into an addiction that is unhealthy, and I have many. ): I have to let go of those and let God be the center of my life, not all those "things" which I'm absorbed in. And definitely it is going to be tough. Letting go of so many things, control, and giving all control and life to God, having faith is just so hard. I've always always said that I want a life, with God it in but I'm doing nothing to draw close to God. All I am doing is nothing, drifting away from God and wth how does it even help. It doesn't at all. I've to start doing something and I will start doing something about it, and my life I don't want to continue wasting away anymore. I've wasted enough time and that's enough, really. I need you back, I really do, I Want you back. Oh and when i was watching a part of a sermon just now, it said "God knows what you truly need and sometimes when it takes something away from you, Eg relationship, he knows better and has prepared something even better for you" :)

Maybe I got affected so I "liked" you. But its crazy cause i dont know you. And you probably dont know about my existence. But Idk why you're on my mind and i keep thinking about you, even dreamt of you. Sigh, I have no idea why this is happening, AGAIN. Happens all the time to me I've to learn to guard my heart so much. But yet, I hope it comes true. Why meeee boo. I need you God. ):