Sickkkk

K, haven't blogged for like a week! Yet it felt like such a long time. Hmmm. Was down with fever since Sunday and although fever subsided, flu and sore throat is still not gone yet. Sadly! Anyway, saw Tina on Friday:) Was a good session and sometimes time passes by so so quickly that an hour was not enough! Ughhh. And she's gonna start me on another therapy most likely next week I suppose:) After that, went to see Deng Peng. Was fun, exercising and perspiring. But also tiring! I totally hate the dumbbells they are out to kill me:( Now muscle ache on my thighs so yay I'm happy about it! Worked the right muscles! Idk why thou, lately after I exercised, my blood pressure will drop by quite a bit. :X Like really odd cause it never happened. All started last week and this week didn't seem to get any better. And so yeah I looked pale too. Oh and today's saturday! Was supposed to go Expo with parents to check out the Natas fair s we'll be going overseas in April! But it was so so crowded. The main carpark was full, so full till cars were even waiting on the main road to get a parking lot. That's really insane zomg. So we didn't go there in the end. :( Quite sad though cause there's watsons sales going on too and up to 80% off! Yay ohmygoodness I'd definitely love love love if I went! Haha, so went to grandma's place after that and stuff. :) And since we reached her place early, we left rather early too @ around 3+. So Mom decided to cook dinner! Yay went to Nex ntuc to get all the groceries for dinner. She cooked mushroom spinach, salmon, tomato egg and herbal soup. K, herbal soup is not nice:( I prefer the other chinese kinds of soups... Okay so skip that. I've been struggling lately. Yes, ED. Its getting stronger like really way stronger. Mom said so, psychologist pretty much acknowledge too. So ugh and yes I myself knows it also... So I am just so stuck between what's good and what do I want to do. Really frustrating. If only anyone could save me, talk me out of this. :( Don't feel like posting it out so ask me yourself if you wanna know. Anyway, going to SL's church again tomorrow! :) Then have to have lunch, travel to Uncle's place @ evening time or so to celebrate Mom's birthday. That's about all for tomorrow:) xxxxx

:(

Times like this, I just wanna end everything and MIA. Sounds like a coward boohoo but heckyeah, that's exactly the thing. Don't know why I'm like that. Feel like such a failure, worthless, useless, hypocrite, ugly, fat, gross, disgusting, selfish, judgemental, blah blah. I feel like that NOW. Really sucky. Much like worsening my self-esteem when its already at its pit bottom. Ughxcjksjbdf sfmsdfm,adfa. Just so pissed with myself, well I don't think there's exact reasons to why I feel like that? It all adds up, one by one and all come crashing down... Ugh feels as though I can't seem to do anything well, like ohmygoodness so screwed. So screwed why am I so screwed. What kind of a friend am I? What a sister/daughter am I? OHgod so muchhhh thinking k this is bad. I'm feeling worse thinking about it... But I can't avoid it its like I'm trying to find my identity. I feel so abnormal, what's wrong with me? Whywhywhy! All I see is how bad how awful I am. I don't see what others see:( It's so hard to believe. I'm just so so far from being perfect. I hate the flaws I see. But I don't want to go back to Ed. I keep forcing myself, psycho myself that I do not want Ed in my life. I'm so confused really very very confused. Ughh anyway tomorrow will be a better day. This is just a fucked up moment in my life

Some things have to change.
I need to change.

Things should be left unsaid.

Just wanna be normal.

Hep so had breakfast @ home today! Was actually thinking of having it outside but thanks to my sis, she was so tired and skipped class in the morning so we all slept in:) So... Appointments today! First saw the dietitian, and yay she was really proud of me! And very happy too. Aww I'm glad. Really. My diet been good, hardly restricting(reduced by alot), no bingeing, no purging either! Hehe she talked quite a lot as well, stuffs like why do I need fats from the food I eat and all the vitamins etc. And she also told me to not give in to ed as I still have some Ed behaviours which hopefully will no longer exist! So yeah, told me that I should trust my body as well that it will know what to do, and not worry about the food choices I make and all as I eat different foods everyday. Honestly, I was really comforted by what she said. Headed out for lunch after that @ Plaza Sing! Only had about an hour or so, so dined @ foodcourt. I think its a rather good place as there's different cuisines and stuff. Haha. Tried the Taiwan cuisine, which has no queue! Surprisingly, the food was good! Like not bad! Totally don't know why no one bought from there! Next, saw the doctor before seeing OT. Pretty screwed, almost got admitted! Thankfully not omg. Skip that and OT. Did the same stuff for OT, so yeah nothing much! Oh, and went to fetch dad and had dinner @ Ehub as he wanted to eat the Curry Fish Head from Magic Wok. So yeah, ordered dishes and shared. Heehee was a good dinner I'd say! Share the food, share the love:) And I went to get a snack- all time fav yoguru! They came up with a smaller size cup, and wrote how many Oz for each cup! The cup all looked smaller thou, like by quite a bit actually... Ohwell but the yogurt's still as good, so it doesn't really matter! Anyway, heading out tomorrow around 10+am to meet LJ @ Fernvale. No idea how to go there but will definitely reach there! Singapore is just a teeny weeny red dot. LOL. Gaahhh I really need something to do... Ughhhhh.

Diets are dumb, no?

Halfway through Valentine's day! Its just a usual day, life goes on as usual. Anyway went to the movies this morning with Mom, and watched Safe House! The show was still alright, but the ending was kinda stupid thou. Like everyone died except for one. LOL. Struggled a little for breakfast as I didn't really felt like eating, so yeah. Thankfully I still ate something! Oh, and I got my menses back! Its looks like spotting but hopefully it'll be real this time:) And talking about lunch, I spent an hour deciding on what and where to eat! Walked around century square, sat at the food court, and left. Then walked to Tampines mall instead. Ended up @ the foodcourt too! Was really crowded as it was during lunch time! Andandand singaporean's culture- booking seats with tissue papers! Zomg. Apparently, majority of the tables at CS FC has at least a pack of tissue! It's so retarded seriously... Skip that! I finally had my favourite tsp for snack, 3 of them. 2salty, 1sweeeet. Yummmmm. Was kind of scared and anxious initially, but after some encouragement managed to do so! At least its a victory won over Ed, and that's good enough. One better than none, right? Struggles will never go away, but it will lessen once we learn to cope with them! I guess the important thing is that when faced with struggles, we shouldn't give in to Ed, cause it only makes Ed stronger and get a tighter grip on us. Its a lesson, be it a victory or defeat:) One day, so long as we hang in there, we'll all see the light ahead:) Rainbows! Rainbows appear after rain. Teehee. Btw, gonna share an article from Seventeen magazine!

"Why diets are dumb"
1. Instead of obsessing over calorie counts,
DO THIS: Use a mental checklist! Eating healthy isn't about the calories; its about the nutrients that are in those calories. If your body does not get what it needs, you'll suffer intense cravings that'll send you scarfing down everything in sight! So make sure every meal and snack has: Protein, Healthy carbs and Healthy fats!
2. Instead of Swearing off "bad" foods,
DO THIS: Eat smaller portions!
3. Instead of skipping meals,
DO THIS: Eat more often!

This got me thinking, and it does make sense if you ask me! I totally agree with it. Skipping meals will cause our metabolism to drop, and that makes it easier to put on weight and stuff. One reason why people develop an Eating Disorder too. I know it may be hard to challenge yourself if you have Ed, but look at point 2! No food is bad, sinful or unsafe. Those are all the Ed terms! Of course, there are some foods which are not so healthy, but our body need them to function as well! I guess many Ed victims enperienced bingeing when we deprived our body of food. So yeah, go for what you wanna have! Hard? Yes it is hard I know, I struggle with that too! But having a few pieces or so won't make any difference. Trust that your body will deal with that:) Moderation is key- I totally agree with this! That's rather the ideal diet, healthy lifestyle with exercise. When at a healthy weight, I did mention before! Psychologist said so too, that's the ideal answer. Which truly makes sense:) I'm gonna give myself a challenge! For me, I'm quite scared to eat stuffs like chicken rice etc for meals, and as for snacks, I'm only comfortable with having froyo. That's all. And fruits. Its pathetic, oh yes so pathetic! So I came up with an entire list of foods that I am gonna challenge myself to.

Main meals:
Chicken Rice
Curry chicken rice
Creamy pasta
Pizza
Bibimbap
Hokkien Mee
Char Kway Teow
Sweet Sour Pork Rice
Murtabak
Briyani

Snacks:
Fruit Tarts
Durian Puffs
Regular granola bars
Madeleine
Ice cream
Scones
Muffins
Waffle
Bubble Tea
Chocolate bar

Just 10 of each first. Ofcourse it won't be a daily challenge! I'll have my pace &those done will be posted!

Oh anyway, went to Food For Thought for dinner last night! So picturessszxxz:

Hummerstons!&"In this world, but not of the world"

Boo:) Woke up really early today as was going to sl's church- TJC. Oh, and initially I thought I was gonna be late, especially since I missed the bus! Prayed really hard and experienced God's work early in the morning! IRIS said the next bus will only arrive 29mins later. But hey, guess what? The bus arrived within 10mins! Yay glory to God:) Ok, so met her @ Eunos mrt. Honestly, even though I'm a singaporean, its my first time going to Eunos! Ok, at least I went there today. Had breakfast there too, @ Mr Bean! And omg the ice cream is really really good. This month they're selling the chocolicious flavor! Yummm. And walked to her church under the scorching sun. How I wish there would be the four seasons in Singapore. >< Her church was rather empty as the main service was on Saturday instead. So worshipped for a really short while and went for lesson- bible study! Though it was my first time there and it was a small class, I received a lot from the lesson. The teacher talked about 3points; -Priorities, -Standards of Man &- Desires/Wants. It really got me thinking about my own life and about Ed. And well, a really good time for reflection too! The point that really impacted me was to not be conformed by the actions of man. It's really upsetting seeing people do the wrong stuffs and all just because the society is doing it. I mean everyone should have their own opinions and views, not follow the crowd and get affected, changing their belief about whatever. So yeappp. And we headed down to join in for prayer after that. Ok tbh, it's the first time that I actually prayed for about 20mins kneeling on the cushion! Yay. As it was a rather long time compared to my usual praying time, the prayer was more detailed and I prayed for more issues as well. Really felt God's presence too. :) Blah blah blah and off we went! Back to Eunos station. Trained down to Clark Quay as we wanted to go to Hummerstons for lunch. It was hard to go there, to reach the restaurant. We somehow lost our way and ended up using google map! Its a really useful appt. Hahaha. And after that, we kinda reached the main road, and had to run pass the tunnel and climb Got myself the frozen yogurt there, blended with raspberry. A little icy, but really tasty. It has the flavors. Not those creamy kinds! Anyway, had an argument with dad on the way home. But anywayyyy everything's fine now so won't talk about that. WOOOOOHOOOO. Will be treating Sam dinner tomorrow night, advanced bday celebration! EGGCITED. Will be going to Food For Thought cafe! Haven't been there before, but the menu looks really yummmmmyyyy. And the pictures!
From Hummerstons:

It's on and off!

Hey, look at this!
It looks good, right? :)


Frutti di mare cartoccio! Its baked in parchment paper! My first time eating a pasta like this. Te wrapped version is so cute!


Tadaaaa! The unwrapped version! Looks really good! Cost $25! :(


Tagliatelle Beef Cheek!


The pasta's menu! There's other mains and sides of course...

Ok anyway went out with HX yesterday for lunch and movie, and all the foods were from Oriole @ Somerset! Quite a nice place to dine actually. Has indoor and outdoor seatings! Obviously we sat indoors, it was so humid! And we always lose our way around Orchard! Its not the first time seriously. We looked like some tourist from some bangala country! Hahahalol. Watched "Jack and Jill", it was a really really good show! Was really hilarious, won't mind watching it again. Pretty much taught me to appreciate my sis more:) Thou we're not twins! Watched @ Lido! Big cinemaaaa. Thought we went to the wrong cinema, was late by a few minutes as we walked to Ion Orchard to get food to smuggle in! Got Yogurt place's frozen yogurt! It was blueberry flavour that day, (so i think they change it everyday) and yay it was pretty good! I didn't like the soft yogurt from there tho. Its so milky yikes.

Anyway, sometimes I think that I'm being controlled by Ed again. It seems so annoying, yes it is. But so hard to get out of it. I know it's possible and I do want to get out of it really badly. I hate abiding to its rules and stuffs, and if I don't, I feel guilty and all. It's really tiring, draining all my energy. It's useless to have Ed in my life, that's a fact. Anyone struggling with an Eating Disorder would know how much life's screwed up just for one thing: THIN. And its in fact more than being thin, but DEADLY SKELETAL THIN. It's ugly, isn't it? To logical people, yes its way too thin. But wwhat about those struggling? No, its just a lump of fats. Sometimes its really heart-breaking to know what they are going through, especially after going through it on your own. Yet, its like more teen girls are developing Ed:( Don't know what to do, it really makes me feel helpless especially when I myself is not recovered yet and still struggling pretty badly at times. This goes to show that Ed is still strong in my life, that it still has a say. That's when I lose myself. I realised that I can't fully be who I was again if Ed is not gone, not disappeared. It tends to speak on my place and even I don't get it at times. It's just like a devil, an abusive boyfriend, whom you love and hate. Whom you're scared to let go off yet wanting to let go of it so desperately. That's how I feel sometimes. The fear is increasing, and yes honestly I'm scared. Really scared... Those who are close to me would know exactly what's freaking me out so badly. So yeahh. Ohwell, anyway skip that for now. Oh, I tried cooking my own dinner just now! And it was a disater. The linguine was rather hard and uuhm rubbery? And the sauce was so salty! So I decided to add water and it was too watery, ended up tasteless. Zzz this shows how well I can cook huh! I bake better than I cook. That's so sad:( Ugh. So, went down to get dinner. Pretty much a waste of my efforts as mom actually told me to get my dinner from the coffeeshop downstairs! So yeah, hahaha. xD But I'm gonna learn how to cook! :) It's basic survival skills LOLOL. Rather. Will not be going to my church tomorrow, going SL's church instead and lunch-ing today after that. K, I'll stop hereeeeeeee! Toodles!

Life moves on...

Been feeling really down the past few days, cried buckets! Was pretty much out of control with my emotions and all. Cancelled meetings with friends, didn't have the mood to do anything! Just wanted to waste away. But yay I'm feeling better now. Ok so what triggered me? Tbh, I don't have a specific answer to that question. All I know is Ed is trying to mess up other aspects of my life as well. It became really clear to me after SL told me that. I mean, its now more than the food and all.. Still have issues with food, but its not as bad as before. Like I can challenge myself to foods that I'd never have eaten the previous times. So yeah, she told me that Ed is getting smarter, to divert controlling my food intake but control other stuffs such as my emotions! It really sucks, unable to control your innermost emotions. Really bad mood swings! Cried because of all the typical Ed reasons, which is rather stupid. Logically, who would cry because of those? But yes Ed made me think otherwise. Like I said, screwing up my mind. So yeah. Oh but anyway I'm glad I went to meet SL yesterday. She's really a good support, felt better after talking to her hehe. No idea why but it just seems to be the case all the time... Ohwell had dinner @ House of Robert Timms!! Pasta. Was a challenge for me as I had some Mushroom&bacon cream based spaghetti. Haven't had a creamy one since I don't know when already. Been really longggg. Was good tho, yay. And yeah things were good for a while till I reached home and started crying again. It seems like I've got too much tears to spare! It just keeps rolling down and down and down. Ugh I hope it all ended yeaterday as today's been a good way to far! Heeheeeee. Oh and I realised that I still have water retention. Like yes I kept going to pee a couple of times within an hour. Its like after drinking water, those excess liquids would be flushed out and hence byebye to W.R. Haha. Anyway met up with Mary today at Tampines 1! Been some time since we met up together for a chat. Had lunch together as well. Initially we went to Thai Express but it was really noisy! Could hear all the buzzy noises here and there! So... We left! Not sneakily! And went to Century Square instead! Dined at Sakae sushi, and settled lunch! Yummm. Continue walking around cs, t1 and tm! Talking and going in circles! And anyway Mom cooked dinner today and yes it was absolutely delicious! Had chicken and veg stewww and another dish. Great! She's gonna cook dinner tomorrow as well, can't wait. Well, its part of healthy eating I guess. Not restricting, but just eating healthy! Balanced is key, yeah? Session with Tina tomorrow yay seeing her on a weekly basis so its so alright. Like she's a really awesome help and listening hear! Will meet HX after that for lunch at a restaurant around somerset area and don't know whats next! Hehe okay toodles~

Oh and the challenge pasta!:

Tough.

Yesterday was tough. Today's a tough day too. Cried buckets. Talk about it when I'm better.

tired tired!

I'm so tired. Having trouble sleeping at night, no idea why. Slept only at around 2plus or was it 4plus am. :( Woke up at 10am. Zomg so... I fell asleep just now hahaha. Spent the day at home today! Baked as well. First time baking biscuits and yay it was a success. Yummmz. The first batch was slightly burnt cause wasn't watching over the fire, but the secong batch was good. Was actually just white chocolate biscuit, but the recipe was somehow screwed up so ended with the end product of "White chocolate, almond and raisin biscuit". Hahaha, addictive. Seriously couldn't stop. How sinful was it? And I'm finishing my drama soon! A korean drama, aunt's disks. Okayyyy Mom cooked dinner today. Yay. Was supposed to help her out but she said that I did not wake up when she called me. Ops. Mom cooked Wanton noodles! Yummm healthier than those sold outside as it wasn't oily. Satisfied now. Oh, and adding chicken floss really makes it much nicer! Has the crunch~ Hehe oky the photos:)

Carls Jr!

Heyyy:) today's been a rather boring day? Was supposed to go out but changed date! Teehee. So, went to granny's place instead. It was really fun there, laughter and all filled the house! Oh, and surprisingly I didn't fall asleep though I was mad tired x: Anyway tried the flinstone's funny rings cereal with chocolate malt milk! It goes pretty good together, hehehe. My love for cereals is back, lol. Bought Puffins too also a nice cereal. Headed out for lunch with parents at Changi City Point before going to gran's place. Second time there! Didn't really shop around, just went to have lunch and left. Honestly, things have been rather difficult since last night. No idea why, but Ed just seems to be stronger. Its like I can feel it getting stronger. Sort of. Had a really hard time deciding on lunch, and didn't want to eat at first. Just wanted to get a cup of Yami yogurt as a substitute for lunch.. Obviously Mom was against it, so I looked through every menu on at the different stalls. Was so tempted to get fishball tang hoon(which is obviously ed cause I hate fishballs) but luckily I didn't! After talking to Mom for a moment, I walked once more and got a meal from the Korean Stall instead. Was feeling somewhat guilty, but what's eaten is already being digested, so no point thinking about it. And talking about yesterday, things were rather good except dinner. Like today, I kind of felt guilty. After dinner. Ordered Sambal Seafood fried rice for the second time. Was a challenge! The first time I ordered that, I did not finish it though I wasn't really satisfied. The fear made me stop eating. Yesterday's challenge went ok as in I finished the whole portion, but it was the after effect that sucks. I felt so so guilty I didn't have the mood to do anything. And yes, Ed thoughts sank in, saying stuffs like why did I eat this instead of that etc. Omg it really created hell in my mind): I had a black face LOL. Mom's mood was kinda ruined too, because of my attitude and stuff. Oh, we were at ntuc back then. And was actually getting stuffs to cook for next week's meals. Ok,but thank God really. For my Mom. I got my own self back and pushed Ed thoughts away, remembering what the social worker said to me "Recovery means challenging yourself" and what the psychologist said as well "You have to get up from your comfort zone". Those really encouraged me to not think about Ed and all the guilt involved! And yay managed to get supper later that night. Oh, and about the title... I tried Carls Jr on Thursday night, dinner!! So happy. Really a huge challenge. But I felt really good after eating that! And a lil sleepy:( It was awesome, yummmmmmzzzz. First time in my life that I tried that! Ordered Beef Thickburger- Portobello Mushroom Burger SET. Everything single stuff was being digested! HAHAHA. Yay I'm really happy:) Anyway, I guess I'd have to stop eating froyo for a while. After having one cup today, my stomach felt really bloated. Don't know what's wrong! :( Ugh. Church tomorrow, will be meeting Grish after that! Gonna go to 112 Katong and maybe Parkway. Feel like getting a job at Berrylite! Ok but it might not seem like a good idea now cause it'll be tough to not have them while working with them. Hahhha.