A bad start turned good:)

Ok, so as i mentioned in the earlier post, I felt so guilty from all the biscuits:( But glad that i didn't like restrict. Yay heeheehee. Stay home today to help Mom vacuum the house. And anyway mom prepared lunch! Home cooked one hehehe it was yummmmzsxzszxz:) And I took Sertraline again so yeah headache, slept till like 4plus and prepared to go kovan with Mom. Shopped around Cold Storage as always while waiting for her! And had Dinner with dad as well @ Hansik Korean Restaurant~ Yum. With 7 differents kinds of kimchi! Ok so today's korean cuisine was successful~ YAY. First try was such a success. (L) Going on Italian tomorrow! Pizza is a challenge for me, so i won't be having that till I am prepared for it:) Will be heading down to Ion Orchard with Mom to collect my pay and have to go SGH AGAIN SIGH for dr ng's appointment. Everyweek also go hospital tsk. Friday also have to go:( Anyway so intending to have lunch @ Alfresco Gusto, an Italian Restaurant. Most prolly getting Mac and Cheese!!!:) Kinda want muchroom ravioli too gah. Ok tomorrrow's meals are planned well. After appointment will be heading home, Mom will be cooking dinner before going out. :) Just hope appointment will go well tomorrow:)

Guilt sinks in

Ok i feel guilty now. So much for my greediness.. Woke up @ like 6am or so and went to have biscuits. its not one or two, its a whole bunch:( OMG i so feel like killing myself. Seriously I know its not a binge lah cause anyone could have easily snacked on that.. But i just feel like a failure. like why on earth did i eat at weird hours?! Monday also.. today too. ugh, what the hell is wrong with me!! Worse was i even went to calculate the calories. OMG its nuts to me. And i don't feel full. its like so much junks, empty calories. OMGOMGOMG KILL ME SOMEBODY. Why can't I stick to just the dietitian's portions? I know sometimes i eat lesser or sub fruits for snacks and all but days like today reeally make me feel so bad. Now i kind of wanna to skip my appointment:( Ok its a bda start being overwhelmed by guilt. But i hope i won't end up restricting for the rest of the day, and will still follow accordingly to the dietitan's meal plan. Just have to take it as a lesson learnt i guess. LESSON LEARNT: When hungry, eat proper meals so to avoid overeating. and it'll be more filling. compared to junks. OK. Done.

Happy girl today!

YAY uo till now everything went welllll:) OMG its like no Ed attack today.Ed didn't really speak to me. I mean he still did speak a little, especially after dinner. Like telling me to skip supper cause i had a really filling dinner like ADDITIONAL mixed economic beehoon and kway teow with ikan bilis and the nuts together and 2 fishcakes! Not forgetting chilli!!!:) My tummy is still so hot and warm now from all the spicy-ness:) Drank lots of water till the food kind of went up my oesophagus:( OUCH. It was like a hot sensation! MYGOODNESS. Ok anyway today is a good day:) I followed my meal okay hehehe. From breakfast as the first main meal and so on:) Everything was portioned out so no chance to restrict or give way to Ed. And su lynn told me anout she "Fatifying" her meals HAHAHA. Funny girl she is. Ok, in the end didn't went to catch a movie. Was actually intending on watching Breaking Dawn or Already Famous:) But decided not to, haha last min as always. After Breakfast, wemt to pay for the baking lesson on Friday! YAY 3more days~ its a 3 hours lesson, from 1.30pm-3.30pm:) So like I can distract myself from Ed thoughts though its still about food. Ohwell and Mom told me to like prepare myself cause baking is all about butter and more butter. Ok kind of scared when she said that cause its easier to eat desserts without knowong how much butter was added.. But i guess i will try a bite or so:)
After that, we headed to have lunch @ Bedok Point. First time there! Ate @ Kung Fu paradise. Hahaha the place has a cute name uh. Lol. Walked around then went to some place to take pictures of sinks for Daddy and to Grandma's place!!! :) Sat for around and chit chat a lil with granny:) she' so cute, heehee.
So, the next place... was Parkway Parade. Initially told mom to go there so as to get the Cinnamon Toast from Cedele for lunch. But last minute changes so didn't get that in the end:( But got snack there though heeeeheeeeeeee. I love Cold Storage the most! But the things are more expensive? Is it? Idk. Ok so ended up we went to GIANT to get the stuffs and all for lunch tomorrow.:) Oh and I came up with an idea. I think it sounds kind of fun? Ok maybe fun is not a right word, but it is anyway. Like everyday I will be on different country's cuisine for like the main meals! Snacks will be up to me, but usually the usual ones I feel comfortable with:) Final decision, tomorrow will be KOREAN CUISINE. Teehee everything has been planned out already. From breakfast to lunch to tea to dinner to supper. So don't have to care about the meals already. Yay. Ok, i love my day today. I really do:) Will be having home-cooked meals more now:) Mom will be cooking whoohoo love it (L) Will be finding for new recipes too! So that can try out the cooking and all. Ofcourse most of it will be done by Mommy la, I would have burned the kitchen down if on my own LOL. (there's a epic story behind this sentence) From Italian to Mexican to Japanese to Chinese to Malay to Indian(eat out) to Korean to American to Thai to Viet and etc... Some will be whipped up @ Home while some will be eaten out with whoever I am with. That'll be dependent on which cuisine that particular day:)) So I'll be trying out main dishes from different countries. Its a big chance hahaha but hopefully it'll work out. Will see how Day 1 goes tomorrow~

Okay GOODNIGHT

Will it end someday??

I am skeptical. Will Ed ever disappear out of my life? The question is, is it even possible to live a life completely free from Ed after being with it for some time? Will it just let go of me and not try to block my planned out wonderful plans? I. Don't. Know. I. Honestly. Don't. For a split second, Ed came in. Why can't my day just end well, for ONCE without Ed. Even if its just a day, why can't I? My day seemed went so well today but it just ruined it. My mood is low now. I kinda want to get admitted. I don't know why. I guess I don't want to face anything right now? Life is so screwed. Ugh. I honestly think I am very weird. Like why do I keep contradicting myself? I just msged Nicole a while ago.
What I sent her: Sometimes i am so jealous of those anorexics though i know they looked gross and boney and all and like i know ed screwed up my life so much. but i just don't want to let go of it completely? idk what i want:( and everytime i cannot restrict or control myself i feel like a failure. Like its totally opposite ends. I was like such a pro when it comes to restricting yet now i can hardly hang on for more than 2days or so. It feels like crap. I feel like crap. And like sometimes I think that I dont even deserve to be happy cause Ed is in control, even of my emotions. Like i am happy because he allowed it, and when he dont, i cry and all. Mood drops all the way down:(
I constantly tell myself that I hate Ed. sometimes it works, sometimes it doesnt work. Its like am i trying to psycho myself that i hate Ed or do i really hate it? Cause sometimes when I feel like Ed really might leave, I start restricting and all to make Ed stay. I mean seriously lah, what am I doing? Who am i kidding when I say I want to recover? Do i really want it for myself, to regain life, to regain health? Or am I doing so just so that I don't disapoint others who have been through this periods of ups and downs with me? OMG. I dont know i dont know i dont know. I need a brainwash.
I didn't use to have Ed in my life when I was young. Yet once it barged into my life, I can't imagine a life without Ed. I don't know how will be life be. How different will it be? Seeing from all those who have recovered fully from anorexia, it seems like their life is so much more than a lifeless one with Ed.
Yet, I question myself. Will it happen to me, to have a real fulfilling life? Do I even deserve it? Sighhh.
It's a love-hate relationship with Ed. I mean I don't think I love it, but yet I don't hate it so much that I want it completely out of my life.
What's wrong with me?
The reason why i am recovering is to live a life without Ed. And I am not letting go of it completely on my part. See, once again I am contradicting myself.

Ok, I should stop my rant here. Now other than continue eating to like recover for the moment, I don't know what else I can do. Just hope that each passing day will get better.

3/4 Way Through!

Yay I actually Did. Follow. Meal. Plan. From. The. Dietitian. Ok actually not completely, but still I did! Yay super satisfied with Breakfast, it was like I didn't try to throw away or whatever but ate everything down. Won over Ed for this~ Ok apparently I only slept for like 3hours+:( But yeah not really tired during the day though, it was only until mid noon that I got so sleepy. Accompained Mom to CPF central @ Taampines. So... Went there, queued for quite some time and then the person only gave a queue number and told us that we needed to wait for about an hour -___- So, we decided to go NTUC first to like waste time. Got Pancake Mix and snacks and milk and yogurt and blah blah blah. But we only took about half an hour, so it was still like a long wayyyy. Walked back there and waited, and waited and waited. But still, was waiting. Got really pissed with the waiting la. And Mom suggested we go get lunch or something first... But wasn't hungry yet so like nah. Oh And continued waiting. Ok its so stupid, really. But thankfully some numbers ahead of us were called but no one responded! YAY. Finally we got our turn and mom spoke to her and all. Then, we went back to Tampines Mall to grab lunch home as the new fridge was arriving today! Oh btw, it arrived already:) PREETTTTY:) Then after lunch SLEPT, Finally the tiredness was sinking in HAHAHA.
:) Having Home cooked dinner now!:) Ok, and plans for tomorrow. Will be going out with Mom to catch a movie and make payment for the baking classes! Signed up for it! Sounds so fun and a good distraction too:P Signed up for the cheesecake and macaroons one!! Cant wait for hands-on lesson on FRIDAY:):):)
Today has been a great day:) Hope it ends well too!

Malaysia Trip!

Ok, uploaded some pictures aready! It was a good trip overall, with lots of fun and laughter hehehe. Really did let go and enjoyed myself especially with the food. I thought I was going to restrict when I was there cause of the foods, heard that they were pretty oily. But nope, not really. Its like a sense of accomplishment as though I defeated Ed. Hehe -Pats on shoulder!- I mean of course there were sudden attacks from Ed, but I overcame them. I know all of us can do this! :)



This Is Me. Recovering Stage.
Taken at Klana Resort's lobby~


Dearest Mommy & Meee


Mom And I~

First meal upon arriving @ JB!


Aloe Vera Enzyme Drink+ Honey


Otah! Awesome the best otah I ever had!!


Wanton Meeeee

Monday's Lunch @ some unknown place HAHAHA
Well, didn't really like this meal so ate quite little. Not to my liking:(


Seafood Ee Mian


Hong Shao Chicken (I think)


Sweet sour pork! Preferred this over the rest~


Soup!:)


Something like Fried Meatballs


Long Beansssss


Tofu+Broccoli and stuffs!


Fuzhou Fishball Seaweed Soup

Monday's Dinner @ some Restaurant:)


Sliced Fish with Ginger and Onion


Stir-Fried Chinese Cabbage


Kang Kong- Superb


Beef + Tendons


Lamb (Didn't try this)


Beancurd in Minced Meat Sauce- Its sauce is thick, near prefection~!


Roasted and Steamed Chicken

Tuesday's Breakfast Buffet @ Klana Resort~


Spring roll, Chocolate Muffin, Almond Swirl, Butter Cake
LOVE THESE:) SWEET TOOTH YAY


Roti and Dhal (Finally found curry dhal, yum!:P)


Croissants And Marble Cake
(Both are equally nice too~)


Fried Bee Hoon, Pineapple Fried Rice, Coconut Rice

Tuesday's Dim Sum Lunch @ a Restaurant in KL
Nice nice dim sums! Super satisfied and stuffed after that hahaha.





























Tuesday's Dinner the Hakka Way!
Soup~


Steamed Chicken


Pig Knuckles (Was a challenging one! Just a small teeny bit)


Forgotten what this is! Ops


Kang Kong (Not spicy though)


Steamed Fish with Silken Tofu (Most satisfied Dish among the rest!)


Pavilion~
Reminds me of Orchard Road Heehee


Tropical Fruit Platter. (Room Service~ Furama Hotel)

Breakfast Buffet On Wednesday @ Furama Hotel!


Coffee and Plain Congee (Not so nice :()


Muffins, Pastries, Egg Omelette (AWESOME the Egg Omelette seemed so popular! So are the pastries:))


Fried Rice, Mee Goreng, Roti with curry, baked beans, potatoes~
(The first place I saw potaoes from day 1)


Waffle with Maple Syrup, Strawberry Jam (so so sweeeeet)
Oh and Prima Deli's waffle is nicer, more crispy:)


Chocolate Rice+ Banana Crepe

Last Dinner @ San Lou Bee Hoon!

San Lou Bee Hoon (Love Love Love this ttm! Best Fried Bee Hoon I ever tasted)


Fried Fish in some sauce that's why it black LOL (pretty salty!)


Fried Tofu (Crispy with a crunch!)


Bitter Gourd (k, didn't try this. Not a fan of that!)


Kang Kong (Favvvvv~)


Fish! (didn't really like this, almost got chocked by the fish bones eeeks)


Fried You tiao with sauce


Pork Ribs (yumm yum:))


Desserts @ Lavender Bakery!


Desserts @ Lavender Bakery:)
(Had the Mango Macademia nut one:))