bits and pieces of memories remained

When I was 13 in 2007, I hung out with a bunch of girls. They were like the prettier and slim kinds and well, I was petite all the time since young so it didn't matter much. I didn't pay attention to my diet at all! I just ate whatever I felt like, whenever I felt like, how much I felt like. I'd go for lunch with my parents at some chinese restaurants that we used to love and order two bowls of ramen and finish it all up! It wasn't a problem. And I'd have lunch with my friends too, all that we ever ate was KFC. I'd always go for my usual Shrooms burger with cheese fries and Iced milo. It carried on for about half a year, basically every weekdays when we had lunch together. That was when I started piling on the pounds. I have no idea how much weight I've gained and tbh, even though I knew that I gained some weight but I did not focus on it. But the people around did. Those friends. Remembering once when we were in class and since it was a free period, a movie was screened. And there was a scene, whereby a few girls dancing and there was this particular one. Who was fat, with big boobs, fat thighs and everything you can imagine. They started to say that that girl was like me, a resemblance of me. I took it in really hard obviously... They said it in front of the entire class. And I was so embarrassed. I left them and was with another clique from another class, so I wasn't close with anyone from my own class that time. Other than feeling like a loner and being bullied, I feel like I've no one to turn to since I'm always with them in class. Lessons and all. And I hate times whereby we have to partner someone. That always gets me anxious. After being insulted so badly, my self esteem was at rock bottom. I started to put myself on a diet. From someone who didn't mind how I look to someone who became so self conscious about myself, my appearance. I won't have breakfast, and all I ate was Han's Tuna salad with no dressing. I did not weigh myself at that time. I just ate the same foods every single day. And the weight starting dropping and at the start of 2008, when I was getting my new year clothes with mom, I lost quite a lot of weight that clothes can't fit as they were hanging off me. People told me that I lost weight too and ofcourse, it felt good. Though I ended up with constipation, gastric and loss of menses but I felt like it was all worth it to be able to be skinny. And since I was already looking good, I felt good too. I didn't see a need to continue restricting myself to salads with no dressings it was like rabbit food so I started to eat very little, but allow myself other varieties of food which I used to love. But at the age of 14, I started to weigh myself. I would eat really little on weekdays and have no lunch and on weekends I'd eat a lot of everything that I missed out. I weigh myself only on Fridays and Mondays. On fridays, my weight would be lighter around 40kg and on Mondays it'd go up to be 42kg or so. I'd make sure that by Friday the weight would decrease again and indeed, it did. This made me feel like the "plan" kinda work out and I just have to eat lesser on weekdays and I'd be able to indulge on weekends without gaining weight. It carried on for quite some time but still within the year of 2008 until one day, my parents were pissed at me for weighing myself and my dad threw the scale away. So, without a scale, I did not weigh myself anymore. And it became hard to maintain my intake as I can't know my weight either. Around nov-dec holidays of 2008, I was always out with my friends and we'd watch movies and all, eating popcorns and nachos. How I loved them. Since I did not know my weight anymore, I just ate a lot during the holidays. And it was really a lot. I was happy while enjoying my meals, It did not struck me that I'll get fat like before eating all those foods. And yes, when I was 15 in 2009, it was horrible. When I went back to school, my classmates asked me "what have you done during the holidays?" "why did you gain so much weight?" I couldn't really answer, all I said was "cause I ate a lot, too much" I only knew my weight when we had Physical Education and had to have our height and weight taken. And when I stood on the scale, the teacher read out my weight to be 52kg. I got a shock, and was embarrassed, yet again. I was so afraid that my classmates would hear my weight and laugh at me (given the previous experience though I'm in a diff class alr) Oh and by then, I was hanging out with this clique from my class that time and we're still in contact till today. Thank God for that. But who'd have thought that life was actually not any better than in 2007? I was still teased by this girl, who is actually fatter than me. She has really huge boobs but she just teased me. She started calling me fatty, and saying that I'm fat and stuffs, telling the guys that I wear a skirt of size 30 while she wears a 28 which was so tight on her tummy. I didn't care about her, well rather, I tried not to care about her cause I know that she was fatter. My clique was on my side too. But deep inside, it hurt. Obviously it did. My self esteem once again hit rock bottom and I have no idea why I just continued eating... Maybe I found comfort in food or perhaps cause she's eating as well. I don't know. Life went on as usual with school, being teased by her. Once, duuring biology lesson, the teacher asked "who can't swim". Mainly of us raised our hands but she just had to pinpoint me, saying "cause you're too fat so you can't swim as you'll sink" It didn't make sense, I know but It hit inside me, yet another time. My other friends not from school also said that I have big boobs as well and that made me feel fat. Everything was basically fat. And in 2010, my weight went up again... to 54kg. At that time, I was seeing a doctor in kkh for my constipation and gastric issues. She referred me to a dietitian at the same time. OMG the dietitian was so strict with me. Remembering once when I went for the appt at the dietitian's, I gained 0.5kg and she was so mad at me. "Why did you gain 0.5kg?!" It was sooo humiliating. And I think that they wanted me to lose weight though they did not tell me directly. And at another follow up, this other dietitian gave me a diet plan and a whole list of reasons to lose weight stuffs and list of calories for the different groups of foods. WOW never would I have imagined I'd have received that. But with school and esp O levels that year, I still ate. Just maybe a little lesser like a wedge or two papaya for dinner. But I'd always have a bakery sandwich for breakfast and rice with dishes etc for lunch. So I didn't look much different. But after O's, I focused more on my diet and weighed myself once a week or so. I was still eating and it was still fine but I managed to lose some baby fats. Just a kg or so. In 2011, things got worse and that was when my anorexia became deadly. At Feb, I was about 50kg and was living on oats and yong tau foo soup and Xndo diet foods. Once, While I was preparing my Xndo meals, I kinda lost vision for a couple of seconds and lost my voice for that few seconds as well. It scared me. I felt faint too. But that did not stop me from dieting. I was just so determined that nothing could stop me. I will go running twice a week or so with my parents at Macritchie and have ytf for dinner. With no lunch. And by March, I was 45.5kg. My weight dropped 1.5kg every 2weeks and I developed issues with food and eating. So the doctor in kkh diagnosed me with EDNOS (Eating Disorders Not Otherwise Specified). It made me slightly happy that I lost weight again and even thought the doctor kept going on about how my system will slow down without enough food and energy, I didn't bother about it at all. What occupied my mind that time was just to be skinny. Plus, I was already reading up on anorexia at the same time. I was then admitted in march after that weigh in and stayed in there for two weeks against my will. It was a horrible two weeks. And I was weighed backwards, that made me really anxious as I wanted and needed to know my weight. I would cheat during meals time, not finish my food, wrap the food up in tissues and hide it in my pockets/drawer and pour the supplements top up into my water bottle. I would also exercise in the shower. And do leg lifts on my bed. But it just happened that one day, the nurse left my case notes on my bed table and I took the chance to peep and saw my weight. It gone up by 1.5kg, I weighed 47kgs and I had an anxiety attack. I cried so badly and hated the doc so much for admitting me and ruining my diet plan, and started to self harm by scratching myself so badly. And was suicidal at the same time. The doctor then decided to refer me to sgh, which treats Eating Disorders and the following day after I was discharged, I had to go to Sgh for an appointment with the psychiatrist there. She weighed me, and my weight went down by 0.3kg in a day. She said that it wasn't a good sign but all I could think of was how to lose back all the weight and more that I've gained. So my restriction cycle repeated. Plus seeing the girls over there at the clinic really made me envious. They were mostly suffering from anorexia and were so skinny, it triggered that part of me. I had to go back every two weeks to sgh for a follow up and my weight drops during every weigh in. I felt weak all the time as well and I've not much energy to do anything. Until around April, I went underweight and since I have also missed my menses for more than 3 months, I was diagnosed with Anorexia. It became a weekly appointment to monitor my weight more closely and at the same time, I was put on the waiting list to get admitted. I was supposed to started school that year in May, and I did go to school for two weeks before getting a text from my mom saying that there's a bed available and that I'm to get admitted the next day. I teared, I didn't want it but I've no choice. I didn't think that I've a problem or was sick enough to be treated. At my admission at sgh, I weighed 39.9kg on 9 may 2011. I felt happy as I was finally below 40kg. But yet at the same time I wanted to get out, I didn't want to be hospitalised any more so I told my mom that I'll finish all my meals and gain the weight. Plus I've really awesome classmates that time too. But no, it wasn't like that. During one morning rounds with the doctor, I asked one of the doc "what'll you do once I reach healthy weight" and she said "we won't worry about it till you reached 60kg or overweight or what". OMG. It was such a silly reply. I was sooo triggered and I took it as they are going to make me really fat, and my whole mindset changed. I didn't want recovery anymore, not even for my parents or to go back to school. All I wanted to was to lose weight, as much as I can and I was very very anti recovery. During my first week of stay, I gained 3kgs with three meals and three resource (supplements). The worse feeling ever, and my mhw was set at 43.3kg. That weekend, I had a meal outing and I kinda restricted my dinner and walked around, and on the next monday during weigh in, my weigh dropped by 0.6kgs and I was on RIB (Rest In Bed). And was increased an additional resource to 4. And was weighed again on Wed. After that, during every single meal outing/home leave, I'll always end up sabotaging myself by restricting and/or self harm. And it took me 6weeks to reach 44.5kg, in the healthy weight range. I was then discharged at that weight. Straight after discharge in end June, I went back to my old ways of restricting my food intake as I did not like the idea of weight gain and felt that it was all fats on my body and a week later I was to return back to school. Upon returning to school, I received many comments and one of which sent me back to the ward. This girl told me, "You really look fatter". I already felt horribly fat from the gain and I didn't need anyone else to rub it in... Yet she did and my mood crashed so badly. I was so suicidal, my parents came down to school and drove me to sgh A&E where I was warded again. And for that admission, I weighed 42.5kgs. I had lost 2kgs in a week. I was warded for another two weeks before I got discharged in mid july and I decided to defer my studies at the same time as I've missed out too much and doubt I'd be able to cope. Plus all my attention was just on my anorexia and weight loss. I was also referred to a psychologist at the same time, who I am still seeing now and has helped me a lot. I went to find a job and got one @ Ion. All I did to occupy my time was by working and that includes hours of standing which further contributed to my weight loss. All I was eating was an eggwhite and porridge every single day. It was like a routine and I was very strict with myself. My weight continued dropping and my health worsened with each passing day. And I bought myself a digital scale and weighed myself every day, 5-6 times a day. During follow ups at the hospital, I'd always waterload to make myself weigh 2kgs or so heavier. Once, as the psychiatrist that I was seeing that time was leaving, my next appt was scheduled to be in 5weeks times as I was going overseas too. So that was the earliest appt for me. &I didn't really meet my friends anymore as food was always involved during meetups and I couldn't bring myself to eat anything more than my usuals. This continued on till before I went to Perth with my mom and relatives. It was during sept and before I left, my weigh already dropped to 33.5kg. At Perth, I did not eat the foods there and walked around in the cold. It was freezing, I had to wear 5 layers of clothings to make me slightly warmer. All I allowed myself was a Special K Bar and canned soup for dinner. Nothing more, nothing less. And I had to supervise my mom when she heats up the soup for me to make sure that she doesn't add anything else in it to increase my calorie intake. This carried on for a week till I was back in Sg. When I was back, I ate the same as before again and when I went for my appt, due to the dangerously low weight, I had to do another ECG and blood test. The ECG showed that my heartbeat was low and there was some irregular wave or smtg. Blood tests wasn't good either as I was really malnourished. Blood pressure was lower than normal as well, nothing was ok. The new psychiatrist (which I am seeing now) wanted to admit me right away but I refused and my mom too refused cause she knows that my mood would be very unstable in the ward. Every week during appt, I was getting sicker and sicker. Things only started getting better when I had a fall from my bed and I didn't really know that I fell as I was kinda unconscious. My head swell and I injured my spine, it hurt so bad that I couldn't bent and I was so afraid I'd be paralyzed. That was on 9 Oct 2011. And it struck me that I should start gaining some weight for myself. And yes, I did. Logically thinking and I made the right choice. And I carried on till today, its been more than a year and I'm so thankful for my MOM especially and my family, and my friends who's been supporting me during this period. It has been a very extremely tough journey but to those who are trying to recovering or in the midst of recovering, DON'T EVER GIVE UP. Cause life will be so much better when you're able to do what you want, eat what you want to. If you need to talk, contact me anytime<3 Quote of the day; "Fall down seven times, Stand up eight times" :D