:)

Decided to unprivate my blog. Well, cause i think feeling so down now is also part of recovery, isn't it? So why should i close it? Anyway if you guys happen to view my blog again, welcome back hahaha. its open for reading now:) Anyway, its been tough since my last post. I'm still having trouble getting to sleep and uhm crying at night. Sigh. I am so stuck. I feel so lousy about myself honestly. I can't explain the shame i feel and how fat i view myself. I hate the mirror now. I really do. No matter how i look at myself, all i see is fat. Been restricting quite a lot lately, the only thing that stays the same is that i am still having tons of fruits and dried cranberries. Honestly, I am quite scared that sooner or later i might actually start to fear the calories of fruits too:( Aw man. But talking about this, I have to admit that having some "control" of my diet made me feel special again that i don't have to eat. Also, my mood wasn't that bad as before when i ate normally. This actually shows how strong Ed is. When i obliged to it, things seemed better. But the question is, how long will it last? It's so temporary i know. But i just want to walk one step at a time. I know i'm foolish, i know Ed is a monster, its nothing good to have it in my life. But easier said than done, i don't know why its so tough to get it out. Sometimes i really hate it, but sometimes i feel like i need it. Get me? That's why recovery is so tough xx :(