I'll talk about the whole day today. What happened and all:) guess it'll be a long post. Woke up @ 9.30am and was reminded of doraemon. Ok totally random but i didn't watch it. missed the show. showered and all and left the house for church with mommy. Initially was intending to KFC to try the a.m. breakfast there. But in the end i didn't want to have breakfast there anymore. Tbh, was kind of scared about the calories and all which is so stupid and pathetic. But i really do want to try it someday. Maybe next Sunday if possible:) so anyway still had breakfast as well. not like i can skip it. went to kallang leisure for breakfast at the foodcourt there. And i practically ordered what i saw. like a lot of food. btw its dim sum. I ate half a char siew soh and egg tart. 1 meat ball stuff stuffed with veggies, a char siew and red bean pau and 3cheeze tofus. That's really nice. Was full after that. As it was still early, went to walk around cold storage with mom to like waste time and all. Haha got my crunchy raisin granola there, it's not sold anywhere else! And it's expensive like $9+ for one bottle. Headed to church after that and yeah. Ok things were pretty bad or rather not-so-good... kind of teared during worship cause i was comparing myself with others around me. Some lost weight, some are naturally thin lucky girls:) And it made me realize how huge/fat i become. Its so upsetting and depressing especially when my anorexic size keeps flashing in my mind. Its so tough to fight it off. It made me feel as if i have done something so wrong by eating that caused me to be like "this" now. Its really uhm idk:( and anyway there's this Japanese Pastor today who came to preach. He's really funny and interesting, his sermon was not boring @ all. And so after service, my cell leader kind of like asked me if i wanted the pastor to pray for me. Initially i didn't want to. But as to receive blessings from his prayers, i somehow agreed. Who won't want to be blessed? Ended up he prayed for my eating disorder as well because my guide told him that i struggled with ed for a year or so. So somehow the pastor prayed for me and told me to like cough out when he said so. I guess its to cough the devil out. But i was holding back... I didn't want ed to go. Honestly, when the pastor was praying for me, i felt blessed. But when it seemed like he was telling God to get ed out of my life and never return, i totally freaked out. I kept holding on to ed, not willing to let it leave me and go. i told it not to. Even so, i mean i still want to recover. But i just dont want to let go of ed completely. Its so hard, i just am not prepared to do so. Everytime when things get better and all, the voice inside speaks louder. it shouts. Its scolding me for what i've done. That i shouldn't have done what i did. Its so ironic. Sigh. Anyway i told mommy about it as we were on our way to Compass point:) Will not elaborate on that. So yes we went to Compass point. Well that's because I thought there was NTUC there! But it was cold storage-____- Mom dont like cold storage:( but i love love cold storage compared to the other supermarkets, so she said I'm so ang moh type LOL. Had late lunch there, and as I was so so tempted to skip lunch cause of what happened, mom went to get my lunch for me:) Thankfully she was there. I needed someone at that time if not i would have starved myself. So.. Had cereal fish for lunch. First time trying it and it wasn't that bad actually. Infact it tasted... like oats, but uhm sweet? Oh and i finally found the book, "Unbearable Lightness" by Portia De Rossi:) Started to read it. After that went to Hougang Mall hahaha for the NTUC LOL. And the rain was so heavy that the vision was so blur, you had to see the headlights to drive. Dangerous! And some cars didn't even turn on their headlights:( Got some groceries for tomorrow and tues and maybe wed's meals as well. Heehee. Bought quite some stuffs thou. First time wrote out a shopping list as a guide! Ok i must say it did work, at least we got what we wanted and more hahaas. Next, went to Kovan to get my dinner, Pontian Wanton Noodle Dry with chilli+black sauce its Number 3 if you order:) Continued with my drama and all and had dinner about 4hours later from lunch. Ok it was nice been quite sometime since I had it? Or maybe not. Lolol. Gonna have some fruits or rather many fruits with pretty much dried cranberries for supper. I know it isn't a proper supper, but have been doing it for a few nights already. Fruits and more fruits mixed with cranberries. Yum. Its something I enjoy without guilt no matter how much i consume:) I mean having lots of them might be high in calories as well but its better than all the junks and its good for my body too. I guess that's why i am sort of ok with having them:) Anyway already wrote out my meals for tomorrow on post-its and pasted it somenear near the stove:)
Here's the plan:
Breakfast- 3 blueberry pancakes + banana + cup of coffee (maybe some peanut butter/nutella/jam as spread! Or ALL. LOL cause i love themmmm) Hope i can have them without guilt. Sigh.
Lunch- Home cooked fried bee hoon:)
Afternoon Tea- Yogurt with raisin granola. Feel like freezing the yogurt or so!
Dinner- Omelette rice + teriyaki chicken + asparagus~
Supper- As usual
Well, so that's the plan. I think i'll stick to it:) with Mom making sure I do. LOL. Staying home tomorrow, so everything is home cooked and the kitchen is stocked up already so yeah. No storages at all, not even the tiniest bit. And will be packing my room i guess:) it's a mess now. Anyway I am really really confused. I dont know what to do, what to look forward to. Ohwell that's all. I just hope tomorrow will be a good start without mood crash and all or the depressing thoughts of self hatred and unworthiness.
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