Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas! Happy birthday to Jesus, iloveyou:) Went to church for service today! But before that, went to Kallang Leisure for breakfast at 11am or so. Late breakfast. Apparently, I had pre breakfast. Omg. I totally didn't follow the dietitian's meal plan for today. She said I can't eat lesser than what was planned and can have more. But I think I had too much. Way too much oh godddd. Had 5 fererros and some chips and half a halved cake xx Then breakfast. It was really filling. Wanted to have yoguru but momma didn't allow. So yeah had dim sum as planned. Ok I ordered too much. So I ate too much too. Makes sense, doesn't it? Shared eggtart, char siew pau, lotus paste pau, red bean pau, chee cheong fan, char siew soh and some fried stuff and sesame ball with parents. Was really full after eating that! But it was nice honestly. Headed off to church after that with 10boxes of presents! Im like santa clause hahaha. And I received alot of chocolate. ALOT. And I ate finish all. Actually not, but almost. See that's why I said I ate too much. But didn't have lunch tho, was too full till I almost vomitted. The feeling was gross and Ed sank in. Luckily just for a short while. so yeah. Anyway I'll just stop here about the stuffs for today. I'm feeling really bad and disgusted right now so yeah its kind of hard to continue about it especially looking back at the amount of food I consumed xx I am feeling so lousy, really lousy about myself. Fuck it, what's wrong with me:( It reminds me of the ward. The only place I do not think of anything, do not think of Ed. Out here, its so hard. Too hard. Sometimes it's all good, sometimes like now its simply shitty. What am I going to do now? What to do if it happens again? I know its inevitable that ed thoughts will continue to sink in like no one's business but omg I feel so alone. Apparently it feels like I have no one to turn to, no one to talk to about such issues. They simply don't understand. Yet talking to someone in the same situation as me might trigger them. That leaves me all ALONE. Forgotten and alone. I really wiah to die. And I miss sherry so so much. She's such a big support in my life. If only time could rewind... I thought things will go well, but trying to get rid of anorexia is so much tougher than having a life with anorexia. I'm left on my own devices, aren't I? Tbh, I really don't know who am I. I don't know which is me and which is ed. Sometimes I am really confused. And I really hate it when people just keep telling me I can do this when I feel like I can't. I know its a form of encouragement, but it makes me feel so much more like a failure. I really appreciate people's concerns for me, but yet sigh. I am stuck. Sometimes I can see the light, but as I am walking nearer and nearer towards the light, darkness overwhelms. The light disappeared. It comes and goes, it's like a journey that'll never end. Ohno my god. And talking about this, self harming seems to be the best resort. Like how purging can become an addiction, self harming has become an addiction for me. Or rather, pills come in handy at times like this. Sigh ok i think this is so Ed. But i don't have any defense strategy to go against it. So now, what now? I feel good and bad. But majority of the time, I feel bad. Ok life is screwed. With Ed. Or without Ed. Either way its screwed. Omg I am going to cry now xxx why am I such a failure that I can't even do things well? Wtf is wrong with me honestly. I have such a low self esteem. I feel like i let everyone down. Especially God.