Reasons why i want to recover 2!

Why do i want to recover? I want to live. I want to live my life as intended by God. I want to be a living testimony to show God's grace and how he lead my through my struggles. I want people to know that that God i know is the almighty God, the One and Only. The One who gives strength to the weak, who fills the empty and who'll always be there for me in times of need. The One who will love me no matter what happens, no matter what decisions i make in life. The One who'll never give up hope on me, never judge me and never forsake me. I want to be free. I want to lead a normal life like everyone else. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin. I want to be able to accept myself for who i am. I don't want to be someone i am not. I don't want the numbers on the scale to determine my day. I don't want my value and worth to be determined by mere numbers that fluctuates from time to time. I don't want my parents to worry. I don't want to spend my time thinking about the next meal, what i should eat and how do i restrict. I don't want to waste my brain cells thinking of ways to cheat during meal times and thinking of ways to lose weight. I want to be honest with myself and people around me. I don't want to be a liar, lying constantly due to eating issues. I don't want to weigh my food anymore. I want to eat as and when i like, and know when to stop when i'm full. I don't want to restrict, binge, restrict and feel guilty. I don't want Ed to rule my life. I don't want Ed to control my life; mood and eating. I want to be completely free from Ed. I want to eat whatever i want without guilt and without the need to restrict for the next few days. I want to order my meals not based on the lowest calories but what i really crave. I want to stop googling for weight loss tips and thinspiration. I want to help others who are also struggling with an Eating Disorder hence i have to help myself first. I want to sit without pain. I want to be able to wear nice clothes(i can now) but without feeling fat and disgusting. I want to look at myself in the mirror and smile. And to be glad for the body i am given. I want to play the violin without thinking of whatever Ed is saying so that i can concentrate. I don't want to lie dead at home because i have no mood to do anything etc. I want to hang out with my friends once again. I don't want to go to shopping malls or wherever just to walk and burn extra calories, instead, i want to really do shopping. I don't want to be bothered by the calories of foods that I'm consuming. I want to be able to eat a chocolate bar without calculating its calories. I want to eat without thinking if i should or if i deserve to eat. I don't want to be determined by the size of my jeans. I want to live life to the fullest. I want to smile from the bottom of my heart and not fake a smile. I want to tell people that i am honestly fine instead of saying that as a lie. I want to be able to make unsafe food choices as well. I want to eat out with my friends and go for dessert buffets and all without thinking of restricting or restricting before the buffet and all and without thinking that i need to purge after. I do not want to be preoccupied with food and calories. I do not want to be obsessed with my weight and food. I want my health back. I want to have regular menses. I want to give birth to my own child in the future(tho i keep saying i'll never get pregnant). I want to improve the condition of my osteoporosis. I want to engage in sports that i really enjoy. I don't want my parents hard-earned money to be spent on hospital bills. I don't want my Mom to go through the trouble of preparing safer breakfasts for me, but to eat whatever she prepares randomly. I don't want to be jealous of other people without an Eating Disorder. I want to be able to know what is real hunger. I want my body to know that it'll never be deprived of food again. I want to be proud that i recovered!

This is why i want to recover. I know at times i did piss people off or disappoint them be it parents or friends with or without Ed whenever i say that i didn't want to recover anymore. Even when i said that, sometimes i really do mean it because i'm so tired to fight. But still, even when i meant that, there's still a teeny weeny part of me that's still fighting. Every moment that i'm alive is a gift from God. And for that reason, I can't give up. I have to carry on fighting. God has already won the battle for me, and i must overcome Ed and win over Satan. I know there are times when i feel really lousy and bad about myself. Everyone even those without Ed feels like that once in a while, just maybe not as frequent. I jus have to find ways to cope with that, right? I can't depend on the hospital and all, ultimately, i still have to be on my own and face the triggers outside. I have to step out of my comfort zone(hospital and home). I want my motivation to be high like now. Honestly i really don't want it to drop:( I know it'll be a tough journey with valleys ups and downs and i'll fall along the way, but the thing is to pick myself up. I have people supporting me; and i dont want to disappoint them. I want freedom. I really do. I really really really want to stop giving up but hang in there. Its so hard, sigh. Honestly, it really seems impossible to me. But ohwell, when there's a will, there's a way:)

"If you don't try, you're bound to fail. Its okay to fall and start over. If you try, there's still hope that things will be better:)"